Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

I don't think you writing reams slagging her off will help ease your jealousy. Either she did something "right" (depending on your definition of success) that you didn't, or her kids just have "luckier" genes.

Also your husband is not looking at his own role in this and is taking it out on you. But both of you should stop comparing / viewing your kids as inferior because your kids will definitely feel it...

Also, while life skills are obviously all connected, I think parents kind of overthink/overconnect everything. If you want your child to be academic, work on that directly. No amount of chores training will help; you have to either drill them academically (if conservative and crazy) or edify and educate them (if more hippie type). Likewise not having housework skills may not necessarily hold someone back academically; students at Oxbridge don't have to lift a finger to cook or clean.

Children stop going on holiday with their parents as they get older - not an issue to worry about.
Why is it so important that your kids go to uni? It doesn't matter. I have one who went and one who didn't. Studying isn't everyone's thing. Just let them be. Are they nice people? That is the thing to be proud of.

Yes surely you'd start with the cats pissing on children and shit filled nappies rolling all over the floor, not the child speaking to a waiter and cutting a cake.

Q-Why is the husband blaming OP.
A-Because he knows it's easy to make her feel guilty and punishing someone is easier than properly analyzing his own reaction to the situation.

You need to push back harder on this twit OP!

I think people are just questioning the validity of the story, because it’s difficult to imagine a parent witnessing first hand the living conditions their own nieces and nephews were subjected to (not to mention their own children when they visited) and not report the situation to SS or, at the very least, the children’s school. Makes zero sense.

Of course it not 'cool' but the OP is fairly obviously exaggerating. I very much doubt the cat shit was left for hours or the nappy on the floor for days or that the house was in anyway dangerous. If it was someone would have notified Social Services.

If it had truly been a neglectful household that warranted social services involvement then the chances of all of the kids ending up at Oxbridge and still wanting to be in touch with their parents and go on holiday with them is vanishingly unlikely. All of which just adds to the likelihood that the OP is exagerating and displaying a lot of jealousy fuelled snobbery!

OP didn't add any of that until she realised the replies weren't going her way.

I don't think that's an accident.

Why does he consider you solely responsible for the children? What did he do to expand their minds/ create the outcomes he wanted for them?

I find so much about your way of writing OP confusing haphazard and very judgemental of your SIL

Fact is you say yourself you have no idea how they parented behind close doors aside from lots of animals and a relaxed Attitude to fizzy drinks. So you are being very judgmental - which comes across as down right envy to be honest.

thing is with 3 kids on the bounce having issues in higher education you definitely have to look at yourselves and the way you have raised them in that respect. And maybe your husband has a point

Yeah and the drink has changed from 'two fizzy drinks' (which could mean anything) to unlimited coca cola which tbh I would judge for a four year old.

Note I say 'would' because I'm doubting OP's ever changing story...

I think the expectations are a red herring. OP sounds very judgemental. I'd let a child call a waiter to order a drink, having agreed this with me first, and I would probably give a knife to cut a birthday cake, given that most birthday cakes are sponge and a fairly blunt knife will cut them - obviously one watches with vigilance.
The bone of contention is that OP's style of parenting elevated manners (good thing) and tidyness (good thing) over in-laws messy house and rather relaxed parenting. Outcomes are different, but the material that went in is also different. OP's equally judgemental DH appears to think children are sausages that come out of a machine and can be prepared to order.

I am not surprised the kids don't want to go on holiday with either of them.

NB Because OP's DD thinks she has failed an exam it doesn't mean she has. Wait for the results.

You sound like very hard work.

The other kids may not have had the tidiest of homes but there's was a happy, safe home.

Discussions sound like they were had and still are between parents and children, respect given to each other and opinions shared in a safe criticism free environment.

Re ordering for themselves and cutting cakes at a young age. Again they were encouraged to be confident in themselves, communicate with adults and others around them and not be afraid to try things. They were and are trusted.

Caring, love and compassion demonstrated and encouraged with each other and all of the local animals who sensed a safe, happy and loving space where they could be at their most vulnerable and entrust their babies to.

They sound as though they actually like each other as people, that's why they're happy to go on holiday together. I'm not sure that any of the above has been consistently mirrored in your house during your kids childhoods.

I grew up in a house that sounds a lot like yours. Wiping round, brushing the floor, dishes or whatever with the age old "it only takes a minute" Believe me, living in a house like that is ensnared in disapproval, potential conflict and chronic judgementalism.

Was her husband not equally responsible for raising them?

Your children have grown into productive healthy adults. Neither of you did anything wrong - that is a success story, anything else is a bonus. It sounds like your husband is projecting - he feels inadequate or feels like a failure and directs it at you and the children. Its telling that he compares you to SIL, his kids to theirs but isn't comparing himself to his brother. I would tell him that perhaps his brother was a better husband and father and that's what made the difference!

Why would you be bitterly disappointed?
Please explain?
From what I'm reading, OPs kids have done nothing wrong and thriving on their choices

I love this thread! My DH grew up in a house like your SIL OP. My MIL always said "tidy house, tiny mind".

All three of her kids are very successful. I never made the correlation 😂

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Why is it deemed second best by some if people don't go to university?

You could go on all day about your sister in law and the state of their home, but I think the proof is in the pudding- the simple fact is their children have gone on to be adults who want to spend time with their parents and yours don’t - I think some serious self reflection may be needed here.

There’s no point commenting on your children’s perceived lack of success or failure because that’s just ridiculous- they are doing perfectly fine. They’re still figuring life out.

Your DH sounds deeply unpleasant and as for having absolutely zero anxiety, that’s super for you but I suspect the mounting pressure and high expectations of your children have given them plenty.

I presume your husband is something spectacular? A neurosurgeon at the top of his career, highly educated and earning big sums or some such, to be so caught up with this comparison of his nieces and nephews?

This thread is so very sad.

My parents were judgemental of others and hyper critical. It's left me, and my siblings, lacking in confidence, afraid to step out of our comfort zones, afraid of being judged by others, and none of us have achieved our full potential. There was always an air of my mum & dad being disappointed in us. Maybe that didn't happen to your SIL's children - perhaps they were given confidence and a "can do" attitude, and that takes young people far, regardless of how messy their home is.

It’s very interesting, isn’t it. I wonder if it’s the freedom and space to be oneself without judgement that makes the difference. A family that is obsessed with tidiness and arbitrary ‘house rules’ might inadvertently stultify their children’s personalities. There isn’t much time for intellectual debate at dinner time if everyone has to crack on with their set chores straight after they finish eating. Likewise worrying about using the wrong towels or frequenting the incorrect bathroom creates a general sense of unease and tiptoeing around in one’s own home - can’t be good for children’s self-confidence.

I don't know why you keep bringing up the conditions of this other family. It is completely irrelevant. Tell your husband to wind his neck in, and if he can't be proud of his kids, then you feel sorry for him. Are you scared of him? What are you supposed to say? Tell him to shut the fuck up. You know now that swearing leads to Oxbridge.

What nonsense!!😂

Her kids sound as though they've turned out brilliantly. You sound every bit as jealous as the OP.

My Son went to Oxford and did a degree in Astro physics. Is a very unhappy adult now plus unemployed. Education is NOT everything. Your husband sounds like a prick.

Your DH is being horrible. He's probably blaming himself somehow and projecting.

That being said, parental input is very much needed when choosing unis etc. My in laws didn't do A levels or go to uni, and, while being wonderful parents who raised 4 wonderful adults, failed at guiding their very bright children past the age of 16 and they all got a bit lost on the way. My DH was the first to go to uni and ended up leaving and trying again a few years later. He had no one to speak to about choosing unis and courses, no one to advise him when he was struggling. He doesn't "blame" his parents but acknowledges he really missed that support that his peers had.

But it wasn't actually the true reality was it 😏