Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

And yet they all survived - are thriving in fact. So all's well that ends well, hmm?

Maybe super clean homes aren't that important after all. And I still don't understand what's wrong with the kid ordering his own drink.

Anyway, none of that's got anything to do with your own situation. It feels like you're combing over your sister in law's supposed faults to try to recapture that feeling of superiority you once had. But it's a pointless exercise.

We have a sitting room we like to keep as a grown up place, no crisps on the sofa, no unsupervised pets etc. It's fine if there are other rooms where people can do that. It's no different to many houses having a no drinks and food in bedrooms rule which I often see advocated on Mumsnet.

OP - why is it an issue if your children don't want to go on holiday with you? They live with you! The relationship can't be that bad. Maybe they want a break, the house to themselves. Perhaps once they've left home more likely to want to come on a paid holiday.

I think it must be an extremely bitter pill to swallow for the OP. Messy, chaotic SIL raising high achievers who still want to spend time with her and go on holiday as a family. While it’s failure after failure with OP’s children, and a dickhead husband to boot. 🤷‍♀️

Think you've summed it up perfectly, tbh.

He sounds like an insufferable snobby arsewipe only bothered about tangible success. What an embarassing cock.

@SharpLily - I could have written your post - apart from growing up in a strict household. It's quite funny re: the swearing because despite me being quite sweary, neither of mine are at all - even to the point they won't sing swear words in songs.

We are so busy with work and other activities and are a neuro-divergent household. We also have several pets, including a cats which have occasional accidents - the OP would definitely have to retreat to her bed after a visit to ours 😂

@TudorMary - parenting differences aside, I think you and your husband both need to reflect on how your children have ended up doing things they clearly didn't want to do or weren't suited to. Did you make it clear that they were expected to go to uni and do specific courses (like science and medicine) or did you let them find their own way?

My eldest is not academic and is currently at college doing an apprenticeship that she chose at the very last minute - she had no idea what she wanted to do after GCSEs and had initially signed up to do something else, but really wasn't happy. We had a conversation about what she wanted to do, if she could do absolutely anything, and luckily I was able to find her a relatively local course which she is thriving in. It will likely never earn her a fortune, but she will be happy.

My youngest, by contrast is very academic and currently wants to do medicine - but previously did want to go into performing arts. I fully supported her dream (extra dance lessons, auditions etc), but did have to have some very difficult conversations with her about whether her performing talent was strong enough, while making it clear I would back her no matter what.

I will be quite disappointed if she eventually chooses not to go to uni - but only because she is so academically gifted that I think it would be a waste, but I will never, ever voice that to her and I would never be disappointed in her, only for her.

Sounds like your eldest two have found their way now, but some self-reflection may definitely help your youngest to ensure her next steps are the right ones for her - and if she needs to take a year out to travel, work or volunteer to figure that out, then fair play!

I don't get the logic.

Is his theory that bacteria from cat shit makes you more intelligent and therefore more likely to get into Oxbridge?

Because if so I think it's more likely that they didn't get into Oxbridge because they inherited half of their genes from him and he's not the sharpest tool in the box.

Your poor children. What a dreadful father. Is he a 'high achiever'? In their shoes I'd be ashamed of him, he clearly values status over happy and healthy children... I could not look him in the face ever again.

The absolute hag like behaviour on MN blows my mind.

OP ripped a new arsehole as always by every MN clinker having their 'moments'.

OP, you're going to naturally compare and analyse if your husband does this sort of thing on the regular. I have a feeling he does.

I'd struggle with what you describe. But it's so magnified for you because you have this fly in your ear dropping in messages and more overtly blaming you for his perceived failings; using the in laws as the vehicle. It's all a distraction so he doesn't have to look at himself. Who gives a fuck what uni who goes to.

Of course you're going to compare and highlight the faults over there. He's feeding it.

How to move forward; your husband needs to be put in his place. Do you have the confidence to do so? Regularly?

Maybe avoid interacting with the in laws until you're in a better place. A better place means less time with your husband listening to his drivel. Do you have hobbies or interests that you can pursue, alone?

Everything else is noise here telling you to make some changes. I'd metaphorically drop kick husband into reality as a start. 💐

He knows the kids are real people right...? They arent little programmed robots that reflect how you've programmed them. They've come out with their own personalities, their own ideas, wants, desires and drivers. I think he's seeing them purely as products/accessories, honestly I don't think parents can massively influence these things. If the kids were smart enough to go to Oxbridge, it's a mix of genetic luck in their IQ, hard work and their own determination and desires - it's not likely to be much to do with their mother, and it doesn't reflect as her success. Parents can set values, can support, cheer from the sidelines and provide an environment that encourages children but you can't "make" your children anything other than what/who they are. I don't think better of someone because of what their child does, what a weird way of assessing someone. Also getting in to Oxbridge isn't the finished life is it, they might be unhappy, have no friends, be unhealthy, not be kind, be boring.. there's so much more to life/people!
He needs to love your children as the unique, individual souls they are, rather than view their achievements/lack of achievements as a personal failure or as your failure.
No wonder they don't want to spend time with him.

You and your husband both need therapy. Be honest, you're both disappointed and on at least one level your kids are not unaware of this. It's not too late to turn things around but it does need proper self-reflection and facing up to some home truths, not sweeping under the carpet or smothering in drama.

Your husband is being an utter prick but you've had a role to play in this family dynamic too. How do you want your relationship with one another to look? How do you want your relationship with your adult kids to look? Stop with the blame game and see a professional to help work on self-reflection, self-respect and responsibility. Refuse to engage in any conversation in the home about the in-laws/cousins. This is about your marriage, your family, your future.

He shouldn’t tell them they’re losers but he should warn them about the realities of life and that an art degree is unkept to fund nor equip them to live well.

I disagree with all the posters about how it will all pan out. Life is competitive and difficult - he doesn’t have a right to be ashamed but he does have a right to be concerned.

Instead of blaming you, your husband should be trying to fix things. They’re in their 20’s not their 40’s and even if they were it’s never too late to lead and guide and nurture.

I'm sorry but an unusable toilet and 'front room' all sounds a bit Hyacinth Bucket. Honestly the more you talk disparagingly about your SIL, the more jealous you sound and I think your husband has seen this weakness and is running with it. He didn't want your children sitting in shit and eating biscuits, I think what you're worried about is that SIL is more academically intelligent than you and he's holding that against you. Inside you both believe that having a more intellectual household would have produced better academic success for your children but inverse snobbery won't let you admit that so you're distracting with tales of cat shit. Cat shit and fitted kitchens have nothing to do with academic achievement, but a literary household and open and intelligent conversation might contribute. Your husband can't just pin that on you. Presumably he lived there too.

I know you're trying to build a case against her for us all but it's not really working. She's different to you and prioritised different things. I'm pretty sure anyone is allowed to use any of her toilets or eat anywhere in her house. You can't moan at her for that attitude being the opposite of your own, and then moan about the results you think that brings. But again, as you've been told many times, the academic success of your and her children does not depend upon how modern her kitchen is or how clean your 'guest toilet' is. You have to look deeper into the way both families have interacted and communicated with their children outside of floor mopping and surface wiping.

You sound delightful, #Crushed23. You seem to like to think that it's a bitter pill for her, and to gloat about 'failure after failure' (your words, not OP's). When she's very clear that her issue is with her husband complaining about the kids.

OP this thread is weird. Don't take it too heart.

In an ideal world our children can hopefully survive and thrive without us and your role as parents is to facilitate that. They may not be brain scientists or rocket surgeons 🙂, but if they can make their way in the world without resorting to criminal activity you're probably ok.

Haven't rtft but the usual mn mantra is, 'comparison is the thief of joy'. What works for some doesn't work for all. Figure out what works for your family.

@Crushed23 there's something about your posts that demonstrate a real revellery in a situation someone is really struggling with. Nasty.

This is a ridiculous thread op. I don't mean you...I mean the replies from the people who don't keep a clean house and feel personally criticised.

Your DH is an arsehole - it's that simple. He's making it impossible for you to love him when he's criticising your children. They're individual people - not extensions of him. I don't see how you can get past this really.

The two people I know who went to Oxbridge both attempted suicide whilst there. I'm glad my DS didn't apply.

Why are you getting the blame for their parenting, why wasn’t he spending evenings studying with them if he was going to value that in the future?

Your BiL’s kids sound clever. It doesn’t really matter what the house was like or how they were spoken to, there are always going to be some who are more clever.

What does your husband do? Did he go to Oxbridge? Is he highly academic?

Meh, I went to Oxford. Its no big deal, it's not even the best option for many fields of study. I dont even have a high-flying City job to show for it either.

Your DH needs to pull his head out of his arse, quite honestly.

@SharpLily don't be so ridiculous. You have no clue how academically intelligent to OP is. Living in a shit hole and having children at Oxbridge is not proof of intelligence.

I went to Durham for my postgraduate studies. 10 years later I don’t even work in the right industry for my degree. Must be a failure!

Agreed, he sounds like an idiot. But then I’m not sure I’d be so worried whether in laws eat biscuits in OPs position either.

Family of BIL sound like fun. Maybe their kids were free to be who they wanted to be in the world? Maybe they’re just more academically gifted? Maybe they were just loved and felt loved, not thought of as losers.

The fixation on the in-laws is a distraction from your own problems. You need to erase the relevance of their life and lifestyle choices from your mind because they are absolutely irrelevant to you and your family.

Your DH sounds a bit harsh but I wondered if he is worried about your children’s futures- I’ll be honest and say I’d be anxious about two of them dropping out and quitting - then a year off… are they able to stick at things and succeed after failure? My brother stayed at home for years and was never able to stick at things. I think my parents gave him an easy way out actually and enabled him to not face things; my mother felt she was being supportive. Is this possibly how your DH sees it???

Are you worried about them not finishing things or do you think that’s ok. I’d be stressing tbh. I don’t think there’s any point in Comparing them to other kids though!!

I don’t know why you keep answering posts by slagging off their house ( in detail!). That’s not relevant to your OP and you’re dodging comments about your husband’s, and your, attitude towards your dc.
why would you want to write a book? Why does their house/ parenting matter so much to you?