What to do if you hate your house

[Raindropsandroses123]

We have been in our house for 6 years and I can really say that I hate it.
When we were putting an offer in I really had doubts but there wasn’t much else on the market and we had to get going as our rent was expiring etc plus life.
My DH likes our house and I really don’t. The bedrooms are actually quite small that you can’t do much with them or adjust the furniture around. The front of the house is 1960s ugly. I hate the street, some neighbours are lovely but some are not. The living space is open plan and functional but we are stepping over ourselves with 3 kids. I declutter every month. I hate the decor and DH won’t let me do anything with it as he says we have young kids who are just going to ruin it. I get jealous of friends when they are doing house projects (even the ones with kids) and I’m stuck here with DH not allowing anything. I don’t invite anyone over as I’m kind of embarrassed, mostly of our shitty furniture.

I know it’s first world problems and I am glad we have a roof over our heads that we can afford. It’s in a good school catchment area and that’s one of the major bonuses. However I wish I listened to myself when we were buying it. It makes me unhappy.
Thing is, we could easily afford to move or extend but DH is tight and lacks creativity.
Has anyone felt like this? At what point do you move when you dislike your house and are outgrowing it? Has your OH been tight about it.
AIBU?

This is no way to live. He's a dictator, and a miserable one at that. The house is the least of your problems. You DH has put a dark wet blanket over your life and it feels to you like the blanket is the house, the house is just a stick he is beating you with, he's the wet blanket.

One issue is he lacks creativity… he is just black and white. It frustrates me as I am quite creative and I would love a certain colour on certain walls and he things it sounds disgusting and OTT. I’m also thinking of practicalities, if the hallway was darker rather than than white all the scuffs on the walls wouldn’t be as obvious. I also have storage ideas but he just says the kids will draw on it…. They wouldn’t!

You could at least compromise.

I hate colours on walls, makes my house look cluttered, but you can either try to agree on a one colour - and you get fresh paint anyway, or you each get different room to style.

I can’t fathom why you are letting his preferences override yours. Surely you get a say?

I had this- or very similar. It wasn’t so much about controlling- at least he would never have made me send anything back or anything like that- but the flow of the house was bad- I ended up stuck in the kitchen and he just didn’t get it. He didn’t want to invest in the house or our relationship. In the end I had to leave I was so stressed. Which is not good financially in the divorce stakes, so don’t do that.

It is a big issue. It’s where you live and you need to be able to relax and feel safe there. You’ve given it 6 years. You still hate it. Time to get the estate agents round and get it valued. Look and see what you could get instead. And then you’ve got some evidence.

I’d also get some mediation or counselling. He needs to hear you properly. And have the opportunity to be heard himself. Then you can both decide what you want to do separately or together.

A house that’s dragging you down after 6 years isn’t going to stop dragging you down if nothing changes. Good luck

You’re a 40% bracket earner, book yourself a man with a van and crack on.

This. Or book yourself a divorce solicitor.

You don't have a house problem, you have a dickhead husband problem.

Does this attitude spill over into the rest of your life?

Why is he the boss?

I'll add my voice to the chorus saying it's a husband problem. Doesn't he care that you're not happy? He shouldn't have veto power over everything. That's not a true partnership.

I'd suggest that either he opens up to the possibility of moving or he accepts that life is for living and it's worth spending a little to improve the house, but if minor redecorating won't solve your issues with your house, I'd just push the idea that it's time to move. If you can afford it, why not at least look to see what's out there?

Get your house market ready. Hire in a handyman to help. (I only just discovered that handymen were a thing and it changed my life because I had a similar situation as yours). Getting the house market ready makes it less about what you or he like (I love bright colours; he likes expensive neutrals; I forged ahead with the cheapest way to achieve something that would sell = clean and uncluttered). Market ready was so much nicer to live in and after I had done it he saw that too. For my H it was about the money and the effort and thinking it was impossible and/or we couldn’t afford it (we could). I said I had had enough and if we couldn’t afford to make the house nice we couldn’t afford the house because I couldn’t live like that anymore. We sold and bought a cheaper house I have since forged ahead and decorated in a way that works for all of us. My advice: just start. He will either come round or you will be getting divorced and in either case getting the house to look ready for market moves you in the right direction. Good luck OP

I’d be ditching the DH especially as you are a higher earner. As a lone parent of 15 years I can tell you how much more peaceful it is not having to negotiate everything with a controlling asshat.

Repaint yourself using wipe clean matt paint, Dulux do some. You can get special kitchen and bathroom paint designed to cope with moisture too. Get your husband to take the kids out while you do it.

I’ve known several people, almost all men, who consider a home nothing more than a practical place to sleep in. They are quite happy with a box and four walls. They are usually types who are really into work and a sport hobby and that’s where they focus all their energy. They are often quite successful financially and therefore people think they make a good partner but god they are so
boring! Anyway, as people have said the issue is your DH and you need to have a word with him. If he isn’t willing to understand or be flexible then you have a real issue.

Why is he the boss OP? If you just painted a wall one day how would he react?

From a practical side, if you want to paint the hall you can have lighter colours but you need the right paint. You want Class 1 Scrub Rating, so for me that would be Johnstones Acrylic Durable Matt you can have mixed to any colour. That means you can clean off any marks. For stain blocking any marks you can't remove before painting Zinsser Cover Stain primer.

I completely agree with everyone above, who made him king? You live there too. You can make changes and you need to just tell him to stop with making it difficult because you won't change your mind. He has conditioned you not to do things because he will make hassle. Screw that. Let him be uncomfortable, why is it always you feeling uncomfortable?

He has no right to say that you can't do anything to your own home. Using the children as an excuse not to decorate and not willing to pick up furniture, he just sounds lazy.
If he doesn't want bold colours on the walls he can come with you to B&Q and help you choose a new colour that you'd both like.

Absolutely this. Why does DH get final say on a coat of paint?

I agree with others you have a husband problem not a house problem

your both high earners so you have your own money I assume, yet he makes you send items back. sorry OP absolutely not, why are you letting this happen, it’s your money and your house too if you want something/want to do something do it!

Dh and I have different tastes in decor so whenever we do anything in the house there is some compromise- in style and how much we spend. So I understand your reluctance to go ahead without your dh being on board.
But he is not compromising in the slightest way to accommodate your feelings and comfort. I wouldn’t tolerate that - I would go ahead regardless and tell him that your marriage is in jeopardy if he can’t tolerate that.
You spend more time in your home than anywhere else. It needs to be a welcoming comfortable space if that sort of thing is important to you. And life is sometimes shorter than we expect so you have to make the best of it while you can. And why work hard if you can’t get pleasure from spending your money to make life easier

Your DH sounds like a right miser / if you both are higher rate tax payers you can afford new furniture, decorating etc. it’s cheaper than moving house!Give him an ultimatum of either decorating or moving (or divorce!).

im with you on the not liking your house though - I feel I was railroaded in to buying our current house - not much on market we could afford at the time, dh ‘persuaded’ me but I was never totally sold on it. Now years later DC are adults it feels pokey (when they were at uni it felt more spacious as we spread out).

I did get used to it after a while - but it took years.

Hoping to move in about 5 years whrn we retire and kids have buggered off so we can downsize to a flat or small 3-bed.

This was my ex. And I left.

You only have one life.

@Raindropsandroses123 any updates for us?

It sounds a bit to me like when the kids are older he'll find another excuse as to why you can't redecorate. It's very controlling to demand you send things back - it would be bad enough if you were spending 'his' money, but this is literally your own money and sometimes he is going to have to see things in his house that you bought. It's also really patronising and belittling behaviour, the message seeming like 'Oh, you spendthrift woman buying silly things we don't need', I think in your position that would get to me most.

Zombie thread

I was in the exact sae situation except without kids. I allowed my husband to control me and I ended up in psychosis and lost everything - the elite career id worked os so hard for getting my PhD. my physical health, all my friends - every single thing. hides thing is he knew I loved Home Design so would buy me World of Interiors magazine every month

@Raindropsandroses123

Talk us through what would actually happen if you picked things without his input, didn't send the new furniture back, painted the hallway dark and then refused to follow his requests to send it back? What would your dh's behaviour be like? Would he silk? Would he shout? Does he withhold money?

He sounds very stubborn but it also sounds like you are being a bit of a martyr or you are in an overwhelmingly controlling relationship where you have come to see your dh as your keeper and the person to please who must give you permission. Which is it? Are you able to assert yourself in other areas of life? Do you feel like an adult in charge of your own destiny? Or have you moved from controlling parents to a controlling dh?

Marriage should be a partnership and it is possible to have differing viewpoints within a marriage if both parties are able to compromise at times. For example, my dh is not a fan of anything bold or fussy and will pull a face at all my decor suggestions but because I argue my case enough he will often agree to things he considers too bold and often likes them. Likewise I might have an initial idea but then work to find a toned down compromise. A recent example was tiling our kitchen the other day. We went for a slightly lighter tile and not in a herringbone pattern because he really hated it but actually the colour was similar, the tiles are still lovely and the kitchen still has the vibe I wanted. And actually, I've conceded that the herringbone will date too quickly and the dark colour would've drained the light.

I think you need to really reflect on your relationship here.

Start with a small corner, and do something you love with it.

Tell your husband he is being a dick.