Partners 12yr old DS irritates me so much

[Ontherocksthisyear]

I know this sounds harsh and I haven't let on to how much he irritates me, but I have tried to talk to my partner about his DS behaviour, but he doesn't seem to really get it. Am I being unreasonable irritated though?

Some examples of why I'm struggling with him...

He lies. Not only when you ask him about something and he fibs so not to get in trouble. But, he will literally fabricate an entire event that has never happened. Or argue something to be a fact when I know it isn't.

He is addicted to his iPad: he will walk around the house watching it. He couldn't put it down the other day when he was boiling some noodles, had it propped up on the side. He will watch it very loudly. We were only holiday recently and him and DD had to share a room. He would stay up on his iPad until the early hours and not turn the sound down when asked.

He will be very cutesy with our 11month old when his dad is in the room. But when he isn't in the room he will not bother with him in the slightest, he will just ignore him completely.

He talks slightly disrespectfully of his mum. Saying recently that she has a drinking problem and never bothers with him. But from what I see she is always taking him to some club or another, or off camping or arranging sleepovers for him. But I suppose I'm not there to really know.

He only bothers with my DD, who is a similar age to him, when he has been locked off his iPad. Otherwise has no interest really in interacting with her.

When he first comes over he acts very sweet and I think we are turning a corner, and I
Ask myself 'why have I found him so annoying?' But after a few days of being here he is lazy, glued to his iPad, chucking litter behind the sofa and telling all sorts of random things that I know are not true.

Maybe this is just normal behaviour? My daughter is nothing like him though. She is very self aware and mature in many ways. Prehaps I am expecting him to act more mature than he yet is.

How much time does your partner spend with his DS each week?

In good old MN fashion you have a dp problem.

Dad? He's conspicuous by his absence from your post.

The issue here is your partner and the way he parents his son. No, this is not normal for 12 year olds, but most 12 year olds don't have unlimited access to their devices, especially overnight.

Why isn't your husband putting limits on his iPad use? That's the real issue. He shouldn't have it in his room at night in the first place.

And yet you thought it was a good idea to get together with this man and have a child with him?

Issue is your partner not doing the bare minimum parenting. I suspect lots of 12yos would be glued to an ipad without a parent telling them not to.

No reason why your SS should want to hang out with your daughter or baby just because you're shagging his dad. He should however behave decently- not chucking litter about etc. Again, the issue is his dad not stepping in.

My partner tries to enforce no iPad rules, but because he is not with us as much as he is with his mum, he doesn't want his time here to be stricked with loads of rules and nagging

He sounds like a perfectly ordinary 12 year old boy having to negotiate a situation that is not of his choosing. Why on earth should he be interested in you, or your daughter? Or even his new half sibling? Particularly when it must be perfectly obvious that you don’t like him.

And I do not think it is fair or appropriate to make a 12 year old girl share a room (even on holiday) with a 12 year old boy.

Then he’s a shit parent. Our job isn’t to be friends with out kids, it’s to parent them.

So he... doesn't want to do any parenting in case his child gets annoyed? He's a parent, not a babysitter. He's taking the easy route out.

And here is the problem. He can be a parent, or he can play ‘fun dad’ and have his kid end up with all sorts of behavioural issues.

you both need to take the iPad off him on a night

Tries? The boy is 12 years old and he is the parent. Removing the iPad should be easy.

Your partner needs to be a parent regarding the iPad.

im not convinced any 12 year old would be interested in your daughter or half siblings in the way you expect, im not quite sure what you’re hoping for there.

He is a typical 12yo boy.

Get him wireless earphones so that you don’t all need to listen to his iPad, and otherwise - let him be.

You’ll be happier if you don’t try to interfere in your partner’s relationship with his son.
Be nice - as an adult, but don't try to parent him.

I'm not sure what "stricked" means, but does your partner want his son's time with him to be full of him on his iPad and not engaging? How is that any better than rules and nagging?

He could be making up stories because he's crying out for attention.
Agree with PP, your DSS shouldn't be sharing a room with your DD, it's not appropriate.

Limit the iPad time! My child used to be the same, totally disengaged from everything when on it, when not on it was just bothered about getting back on it! I ended up taking it away for a few weeks then reintroduced it with limits/conditions. I understand its not that simple as a step parent, but that's what worked for me and might be worth suggesting to dad

You know full well what strict means…

Not really appropriate for a 12yo boy to be sharing a room with an unrelated girl of the same age.

In my experience 12 year old boys become unrecognisable for a while, anyway. Monstrous, almost. One can only exercise patience, set boundaries, cross your fingers in the hope of a better tomorrow, etc.

Disliking them, and comparing them unfavourably to your own 12 year old daughter is just - a bit rubbish really. It doesn’t help the boy, at all.

Different houses = different rules. There is no reason iPad time can't be limited when at Dad's house compared to Mum's.

Does your DP ever take him out and away from the house/step sister/half sister for some 1:1 time?

And don't make the kids share rooms again, that's not on. If it comes to it you share with your DD and DP with his son.

This was what struck me about your post. Your poor daughter having to share a room with an unrelated male at that age (even if he didn't shut up his ipad when asked)

Definitely no to sharing rooms.
Dad needs to step up and parent his son. Make it clear that it's not your job to be 'bad cop'. The boy's acting out sounds as if he needs and wants a decent male role model capable of setting safe boundaries.

Of course I didn't know that's what she meant! It's only when I read it out loud in my head just now that I realized that stricked sounds like strict so maybe that's what she meant. When I saw the word I had no idea what it meant.

Edited for clarity.

He wants to be Disney Dad instead of parenting.

He needs to stop that shit and step up. I pad time needs to be limited and he needs to be doing some things with his son rather than letting a device be a parental substitute.

Absolutely no room sharing with your daughter! That needs to stop.