Partners 12yr old DS irritates me so much

[Ontherocksthisyear]

I know this sounds harsh and I haven't let on to how much he irritates me, but I have tried to talk to my partner about his DS behaviour, but he doesn't seem to really get it. Am I being unreasonable irritated though?

Some examples of why I'm struggling with him...

He lies. Not only when you ask him about something and he fibs so not to get in trouble. But, he will literally fabricate an entire event that has never happened. Or argue something to be a fact when I know it isn't.

He is addicted to his iPad: he will walk around the house watching it. He couldn't put it down the other day when he was boiling some noodles, had it propped up on the side. He will watch it very loudly. We were only holiday recently and him and DD had to share a room. He would stay up on his iPad until the early hours and not turn the sound down when asked.

He will be very cutesy with our 11month old when his dad is in the room. But when he isn't in the room he will not bother with him in the slightest, he will just ignore him completely.

He talks slightly disrespectfully of his mum. Saying recently that she has a drinking problem and never bothers with him. But from what I see she is always taking him to some club or another, or off camping or arranging sleepovers for him. But I suppose I'm not there to really know.

He only bothers with my DD, who is a similar age to him, when he has been locked off his iPad. Otherwise has no interest really in interacting with her.

When he first comes over he acts very sweet and I think we are turning a corner, and I
Ask myself 'why have I found him so annoying?' But after a few days of being here he is lazy, glued to his iPad, chucking litter behind the sofa and telling all sorts of random things that I know are not true.

Maybe this is just normal behaviour? My daughter is nothing like him though. She is very self aware and mature in many ways. Prehaps I am expecting him to act more mature than he yet is.

Another stepchildren thread, these poor bloody kids.

What do the ‘loads’ of rules consist of?

He lies. Not only when you ask him about something and he fibs so not to get in trouble. But, he will literally fabricate an entire event that has never happened. Or argue something to be a fact when I know it isn't.
Not acceptable - your partner needs to sort that out. Lying is wrong.

He is addicted to his iPad: he will walk around the house watching it. He couldn't put it down the other day when he was boiling some noodles, had it propped up on the side. He will watch it very loudly. We were only holiday recently and him and DD had to share a room. He would stay up on his iPad until the early hours and not turn the sound down when asked.
DP issue again - remove it. Or at least he should wear headphones and have a screen limit.

He will be very cutesy with our 11month old when his dad is in the room. But when he isn't in the room he will not bother with him in the slightest, he will just ignore him completely.
Pretty normal. Babies are boring to most 12 year olds.

He talks slightly disrespectfully of his mum. Saying recently that she has a drinking problem and never bothers with him. But from what I see she is always taking him to some club or another, or off camping or arranging sleepovers for him. But I suppose I'm not there to really know.
Hard to know whether or not that's true.

He only bothers with my DD, who is a similar age to him, when he has been locked off his iPad. Otherwise has no interest really in interacting with her.
Normal. They have been thrown together - they aren't obliged to be friends. They aren't 'family' really.

Hmm, I was talking about this on another thread, the concept that society/parenting has turned into not wanting to make children feel any shred of discomfort, including the discomfort of boredom, doing things you dont necessarily want to do, saying no, frustration that you cant always have what you want, knowing that your parents are in charge, not you.

That is parenting, its a slog and unpleasant at times. He needs to actively parent otherwise he'll raise a monster.

We were only holiday recently and him and DD had to share a room.

They didn’t ‘have’ to share a room. You and your partner, the adults in this situation, failed to prioritise suitable accommodation for your nearly teenaged children in your holiday planning. You seriously chose to make your 12 year old daughter share a bedroom with an unrelated male? To save a few quid?

There are quite clearly two problem parents here.

Dad of the Year 2025

You mean his dad doesn’t want to parent him aka rules and nagging

Why on earth do you think it’s ok for your daughter to share a room with this boy?

Snap

I'm pretty sure most 12-year-olds would be glued to their iPad like that if they were allowed to be. Your partner needs to deal with that tell him he's not to walk around watching it with the sound turned up.

The lying isn't entirely 'normal' but it's also not uncommon. He's probably quite an unhappy kid, under the circumstances.

He only bothers with my DD, who is a similar age to him, when he has been locked off his iPad. Otherwise has no interest really in interacting with her.

Why should be interested, though? She's a similar age to him. So what? Kids don't automatically get along just because they're the same age, and certainly not because their parents happen to be shagging. All your partner's son sees in your daughter is that she gets to live with his dad and he doesn't. They're not siblings and even if they were, plenty of siblings really have no interest in hanging out together.

It was inappropriate to make them share a room. At 12, kids are reaching puberty - girls are often starting their periods and boys are starting to have wet dreams, random erections etc. He behaved like a twat with the iPad being on all night, but he was probably deeply pissed off/embarrassed by the room sharing arrangements.

Apologies, I thought you were being a dick

😂😂Nailed it.

I appreciate the apology. No - just trying to understand what she had said. :-)

You made your DD share a room with a 12 year old boy?

Of course he needs to have rules and boundaries when he is with his dad. Your DP needs to parent him.

Do they spend any time 1:1?

The main thing is that your DP isn’t taking nearly enough of an active role in parenting him.

At only 12, his I pad should be taken off him at night, and his access limited during the day if he’s showing signs of addiction. This can be a combination of adults making sure there are things to do together, and some times when he has to make his own entertainment without screens. But not all the latter - it does involve some adult effort!

He shouldn’t have been allow the I pad in the room whilst sharing with his step siblings- I’d question whether they should really have been sharing a room in the first place, but either way, he shouldn’t have had the opportunity to refuse to turn it off - that’s so unfair to your dd.

He’s not there as entertainment for the other two children in the family (your DD and youngest baby) so I don’t criticise him for that.

I have 13yo and 10yo boys. Regarding screens, they are highly addictive and its up to your OH as his parent to put limits in place and enforce them consistently. That being said, its possible that he feels underlyingly uncomfortable with you all, in ways he probably couldn't articulate, and is hiding behind his iPad.

The lying sounds quite strange to me! No answers on that one!

He really needs his own room on holidays. I think being forced to share with a stepsibling he doesn't seem to get on with is never going to work, plus at 12 years he shouldn't be sharing with a girl. I don't think its necessarily fair to expect him to bother with your DD, or her with him - from their POV this is just some random stranger who's popped up in their life. And I can understand why his feelings about his half-sibling would be very complicated - half-sibling has an intact family and lives with dad 24/7. He doesn't. That's pretty much a recipe for complicated feelings!

Has your DP engaged with him regarding how he feels about his mother?

My dc have different rules at mine and xh's houses, totally normal for kids. The problem is your dp doesn't want to be the baddy which is going to be worse for the boy in the long run. Most kids thrive on boundaries, it's what makes them grow up to be a decent member of society, your dp is failing his son IMO.

I don't agree with the 'typical 12yo boy' stuff. The lying IS odd, and he desperately needs some actual parenting re screens (why does he have devices in his room at night for example???). And what he says re his mum sounds quite sad. If its true, there are obviously issues. If he's making it up or exaggerating, there are clearly also issues, just slightly different ones.

But yes, its up to your OH to parent him.

As pp says, your dp needs to step up as a parent, because he’s doing a shit job of it at the moment.

LOL. Shit parent problem.

He sounds normal tbh, i have boys. They are NOTHING like girls. I grew up in a female household and having two boys is so different.
He sounds very normal to me OP.

Harsh

This. Also, he is having to navigate a situation where he has a new brother with OP and Ops daughter living with his dad.
Give him some slack. He will pick up u don't like him.

So your OH is a shit Disney dad who wants to be seen as a fun parent with no rules?

Although in reality, your DSS knows he’s not getting the right sort of attention from him so he’s acting up in order to get some attention.

He’s approaching teenage years and you’re in for a whole heap of trouble if your OH doesn’t get his head out of the sand and step up and be a decent INVOLVED parent with sensible rules that your DSS can engage with.

Your daughter will also bear the brunt of any escalating bad behaviour, so you might like to think about that too.