Partners 12yr old DS irritates me so much

[Ontherocksthisyear]

I know this sounds harsh and I haven't let on to how much he irritates me, but I have tried to talk to my partner about his DS behaviour, but he doesn't seem to really get it. Am I being unreasonable irritated though?

Some examples of why I'm struggling with him...

He lies. Not only when you ask him about something and he fibs so not to get in trouble. But, he will literally fabricate an entire event that has never happened. Or argue something to be a fact when I know it isn't.

He is addicted to his iPad: he will walk around the house watching it. He couldn't put it down the other day when he was boiling some noodles, had it propped up on the side. He will watch it very loudly. We were only holiday recently and him and DD had to share a room. He would stay up on his iPad until the early hours and not turn the sound down when asked.

He will be very cutesy with our 11month old when his dad is in the room. But when he isn't in the room he will not bother with him in the slightest, he will just ignore him completely.

He talks slightly disrespectfully of his mum. Saying recently that she has a drinking problem and never bothers with him. But from what I see she is always taking him to some club or another, or off camping or arranging sleepovers for him. But I suppose I'm not there to really know.

He only bothers with my DD, who is a similar age to him, when he has been locked off his iPad. Otherwise has no interest really in interacting with her.

When he first comes over he acts very sweet and I think we are turning a corner, and I
Ask myself 'why have I found him so annoying?' But after a few days of being here he is lazy, glued to his iPad, chucking litter behind the sofa and telling all sorts of random things that I know are not true.

Maybe this is just normal behaviour? My daughter is nothing like him though. She is very self aware and mature in many ways. Prehaps I am expecting him to act more mature than he yet is.

YANBU to feel irritated by a 12 year old, but this is an easy one to resolve.

Tell your partner he needs to take the iPad away, he can have it for set amounts of time. There's no point saying he doesn't want to rock the boat when he's clearly not doing anything with him anyway.

Take it away, arrange stuff to do. Not sure what you expect him to do regarding the baby, he's 12, the baby is 1.

The lies would really concern me.
get rid of the iPad, ask his dad to give him more attention.

This

Why is this boy allowed on his screen 24/7???? Terrible parenting

And this!!! Wtf OP??? Your poor DD needs protecting!!!

12 year old boys are immensely annoying especially when not parented properly.
my boyfriend has a 12 nearly 13 year old so I feel your pain. I didn’t meet him until a year in and he didn’t seem that bad initially but I now find it so annoying to be around him because of his behaviour that my boyfriend doesn’t do anything about. So I just try and see him mainly when he doesn’t have his child. I would never, ever live with someone else’s kids. The only possibly exception is if their mum was not around at all and I was allowed to actually parent them.
I find my children amazing.
I am sure they aren’t amazing to anyone else and maybe my bf finds them annoying. Who knows but we are both polite to/ friendly to/ do nice things for each others children but we don’t live together and have separate lives. Could you just leave him and his dad to if sometimes? Go out with your daughter and younger one? I would bin off the joint holidays going forward and tell your partner that you can’t do it as he keeps your daughter awake at night on his I pad. That is your partner being a rubbish dad not sorting that. (My bf also lets his child do really annoying things).

I really don’t think 2 unrelated 12
year olds of the opposite sex should be sharing a room under any circumstances. It would be better with you and your daughter and the 12 month old in 1 room and him and his son in the other. Or, just don’t go on the holiday. Do nice individual day trips instead.

Or find a thing you do with just your daughter. Eg me and my 16 year old go and watch music concerts. Just us. My partner and his annoying/ badly parented children do not come. He does other lovely things with them. I’m invited but say no thanks most of the time to preserve my sanity.

Agree that a 12 year old girl should not be made to share with a 12 year old boy. She needs privacy and so does he.

So basically you are saying that a 12yo boy tells lies and is addicted to his iPad. That he only interacts with others when his iPad is taken away.

He sounds completely normal.

Your partner needs to implement a no-devices-in-the-bedroom rule though.

And at 12 he really should not be sharing with an unrelated girl, even just for a holiday. What were you thinking??

Kids are like a fart, you only tolerate your own, stink and all.
You become familiar with your own, the bad smell is less noticeable, ie bad behaviour.

I have an 11 yo DS and he and most (not all) of his friends are very irritating. It helps that we love him. My 13 yo DD and her friends are definitely a different kettle of fish.

Well, there you go. That is the issue.

There is your problem. It sounds like he has to come and visit his Dad at a house where he is always a visitor. Your DD sees him all the time & he is presumably expected to help with the baby. So when does DP take his son out & about 1-1 to get him off his iPad & engaged in something more interesting?

Did he lose his bedroom due to the baby arriving? I can’t see how it would be nice for your DD to have him in with her? Can’t he share with the baby & they go in a cot with you when he visits?

I can see why he is annoying but the issue is that his Dad needs to interact with him & spend time alone with him. He just sounds bored.

Sounds like he is the product of poor parenting.

I think I’ve missed something here?

Sounds like a typical near teen. Stick patent locks on ipad.

Strict iPad rules will solve 90% of your issues. You DP needs to enforce some boundaries with his son. It will be miserable at first but, once his son understands the rules are consistent and there to stay he'll accept them, have time to develop a better relationship with his dad, and likely be much happier. Your step-son won't thank his dad for being such a lazy parent when he's older.

Contrary to many on this thread, I don't think 12yo boys are 'just like this'. And I've met a lot of them. Your stepson sounds unhappy & insecure (the lies) & poorly parented (the screen issues, the chucking rubbish round the place).

Oh fuck that. Kids need rules. Is he afraid of enforcing boundaries? If he is then you'll have to do it, it's your house too and you have other kids to consider, you don't want them seeing the boy treated differently.

Weirdly I don’t think he sounds too bad outside of the iPad obsession (depending of course on whether the lies are lies or not) - he only plays with the baby when his dad is there because I’m sure he knows it’ll make him happy but other than that that age and babies generally don’t mix! Good he talks to your dd, pity the iPad gets in the way of that. Screens are a nightmare to get rid of op but hopefully his dad steps in and stops it

When I'm unhappy I retreat into my phone. It makes me feel worse, but it's a way of escaping the world. The poor kid sounds deeply unhappy and is lying to get attention. His dad needs to step up, enforce some boundaries and spend some quality time with his son.

He sounds like a normal 12-year-old boy. The lying needs to be nipped in the bud by his parents but it's still normal for that age. Yes he sounds irritating... but 12-year-olds just are.

The real question is why, when you realised the man you were dating had a child whom you didn't bond with and could predictably have grown into an irritating 12-year-old, you still went ahead and had another kid with him? I don't get it. If you're irritated by kids who aren't your own then you're not unreasonable, but don't date their parents then!