To think that mother-son relationships are often idealised but can easily become codependent?

[ByCosyJadeJoker]

It’s widely seen as a green flag when a man has a strong relationship with his mum - being openly loving and respectful is considered a good thing. But I’ve come to realise that love is only truly healthy when it’s not codependent. And in cases where it’s just a mother and son, especially if the mother is single, avoiding codependency can be almost impossible unless she’s emotionally secure.

AIBU to think that while a good mother-son relationship is idealised, the reality is often much more complex?

All human relationships are complex. I don't think mother/son is particularly idealised unless people are talking about the Kray twins

Agree - and largely because I first thought my DH and MIL had a beautiful relationship when we first started dating. After a few months, I realised she had raised him as a people-pleaser and husband substitute.

He could see her as a narcissist after therapy before he met me, but it took a lot of me explaining to him how manipulative she was and she’d conditioned him to like to sacrifice himself for her/others.

We’re now NC.

Are mother-son relationships idealised in our culture? Almost every tv program I have watched for the last 10 years shows mother-daughter relationships (generally very positive, sometimes complicated) and non-existent or negative mother-son relationships. I'd love some examples of idealised mother-son relationships in popular culture!

I do get on well my my late teen son - we have likes and hobbies in common and genuinely have interesting discussions. I'm fully aware though that he is his own person, with an increasingly independent life, his own (lovely) friend group and his own social life. I hope we can continue to communicate well as he eventually leaves home, meets a partner and so on, but I know that my influence on him (and him on me) will reduce - that's healthy and normal. I also appreciate I may or may not agree with all of his choices, but why should I? I will always make sure he knows where home is, but that life is for living and hopefully enjoying.

I’ll agree that it’s more complex.

was trying to figure out my response as a single mother to two sons in their 20s.

Think I’ll go with the “no codependency here so I must be emotionally secure” option.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

But I’ve come to realise that love is only truly healthy when it’s not codependent.
Of course a co-dependent relationship between mother and son is unhealthy. As it is between any two people.

And in cases where it’s just a mother and son, especially if the mother is single, avoiding codependency can be almost impossible unless she’s emotionally secure.
Well, I think that anyone who is not emotionally secure is likely ot be in unhealthy relationship dynamics. I'm not sure why you've referenced single mothers and sons specifically?

As for being idealise - I agree with a pp, I'm not sure I've seen much of that. Of course, it's not unusual for a woman to idealise the relationship she has with her children, including her son, and that can be very unhealthy. But I don't think it's a uniquely mother-son thing?

I am not sure of the idolised version either - what is it you mean OP?

I have 2 grown sons, and was a single mum - we do not have a co-dependent relationship of any description. They are off doing their thing, I have my own life - but we are mutually supportive and have fun together as a family.

I think any parent can stop their children flying the nest and 'keep them close' - I see it in many situations - so your reference to single mothers is particularly strange. Do you have a problem with single mothers?

That’s a really good point and I agree that in media mother-daughter relationships tend to get more emotional airtime, especially now. I suppose I meant more in everyday culture and dating discourse, where a man being “close to his mum” is often framed as an automatic green flag.

But in practice, I think those dynamics can sometimes be enmeshed or even a bit emotionally incestuous, especially if the mum has relied on the son for emotional support in the absence of a partner. It’s not always malicious, just messy. So maybe it’s not about media portrayals so much as real-life perceptions and how we’re taught to read those bonds.

I’m a single mum of 2 young adult sons. We get along and there’s no codependency here. I’m not sure that it’s because I’m emotionally secure because I see it as a sign of respect to allow them choice and agency in their lives and not be a reason to hold them back. They care both happy, capable, ambitious and know that I hear if they need me.

What is behind this post?

Has something happened with your DP/DH?

I'm not sure that "being close to his mum" IS seen as a green flag. If anything, lots of people seem to see this as a red flag and that he'll put his mother before his wife.

What IS a problem is when any relationship bewteen a child and a parent becomes toxic or even just a barrier to other relationships. I actually have two friends who had strange relationships with their mothers. Both have subsequently managed to disentangle themselves, but in both cases, when I met them, they thought these close relationships were normal and healthy. Both of these friends are women.

Gosh how sad for them no longer to have any relationship when clearly she adored him.

Most people are flawed, but unless extremely abusive, NC seems so extreme

I agree that codependency isn’t unique to any one dynamic. But I mentioned single mothers and sons because, in that setup, the emotional intensity can sometimes become amplified. If the mother is struggling with unmet emotional needs and there’s no other adult in the home, the son can become a stand-in - emotionally, mentally, sometimes even logistically. That’s not a wild claim, it’s a pattern that comes up in psych literature and therapy all the time.

Of course this doesn’t apply to every single mother-son relationship. But it’s a dynamic that gets surprisingly little attention compared to how often I hear people describe a man being “close to his mum” as an unqualified positive. I’m just saying there’s more to it sometimes and maybe we need to hold space for the grey.

It can happen with both sons and daughters, the enmeshment. Particularly with single parents. I believe the son/mother becomes more apparent when wives are more knowledgeable about it.

She adored him? How can you say that when you know neither of them? That’s ridiculous.

Here’s a top tip: she also tried to make him buy her a house and would swear at him and give him the silent treatment when he wouldn’t buy her a holiday.

Still think she adored him?

This issue usually has nothing to do with the mother but the daughter in laws insecurity. Daughter in laws are allowed to have a close loving relationship with their own mum, not so her partner/ husband.

I thought this too

Ick, mummies boys are always the worst IMO. Unfortunately I married one.

If Iunderstand your key point/s, they are that we apparently automatically assume a close relationship between mother and son is a green flag, when it's often not, AND that a son can become an emotional crutch for his mother AND this dynamic gets little attention?

I disagree with all of those.

Lots of people are very cynical about close mother-son relationships.

Yes, a son can become an emotional crutch for his mother, but I don't believe this happens significantly more than for girls. Anecdotally, I think it's MORE likely to happen with girls than with boys but that's perhaps just in my own experience.

And actually, this dynamic gets plenty of attention in that people are very quick to refer to a man as a "mummy's boy" or to tell women to put their foot down against their MIL when often it seems to me she's actually just trying her best.

Oh dear. Reading this makes me nervous on your behalf that the next woman that comes along for him will “ help him to see” that you’ve ruined his connection with his mother.

OP, I assume you arehaving an issue with your Dp and his mother, who was a single mother? Perhaps it would be more helpful to ask about that to get specific advice?

I’ll take the risk.

His brother is also NC with their mother, so guess I’m the problem.

And what a horrid insinuation you’ve made that we’ll get divorced. Shame on you.

I think that most people don’t see relationships in black and white. A man who can’t make decisions without calling his mum is an obvious red flag while a man who sees his mum on a Sunday for lunch and helps clean up afterwards is a green flag. Most men are in between and might sometimes act like a child but revert to adult behaviour later.

As with all relationships, what happens when you say no speaks volumes. If you ask a man/mum not to discuss something with the other what happens? (Let’s assume it’s not something serious that affects the other)

I didn’t say it happens more for males. Did you misread my post?

I'm single, with 2 sons, who I love dearly, but I know that as tweens I have limited time with them before they fly the nest (or are pushed ;) )

I think it can become co-dependent, and that's something to watch though, since obviously you want to help them, and obviously they want to help you, and making sure you don't restrict them by doing that needs monitoring.

Having said that, I think that my mum and my sister are fairly co-dependent, so I'm not sure that it's entirely limited to sons/mothers