To think that mother-son relationships are often idealised but can easily become codependent?

[ByCosyJadeJoker]

It’s widely seen as a green flag when a man has a strong relationship with his mum - being openly loving and respectful is considered a good thing. But I’ve come to realise that love is only truly healthy when it’s not codependent. And in cases where it’s just a mother and son, especially if the mother is single, avoiding codependency can be almost impossible unless she’s emotionally secure.

AIBU to think that while a good mother-son relationship is idealised, the reality is often much more complex?

Oh, sorry @Slatterndisgrace . I don't know what happened there. I was trying to quote the OP's post from 14:49! Let me see if I can edit!

As the single mother of 2 sons - I do not think we are co dependent.
I went through a period of serious illness and did need my eldest to step up in a way he should not have had to for a while. Even now as a 19 yr old he is more considerate than his younger brother of health issues and always checks if I am OK when we talk.
Are we co dependent I would say not, he is off travelling the world on his own this year, but has a good appreciation of family and we do not live in each others pockets. I did not need him for emotional support - it was physical.

I would like to think I have raised 2 emotionally mature, secure, independent considerate young men. We do not always agree but we respect different view points, can argue, laugh and still be friends - which is where we are progressing to. i adore my sons but am well aware of their faults, as they are of mine.

they know I will always be there for them and they always have a bed here if needed but I just wish they would clear up their mess when they are around!

No problem!

I couldn't edit though. Cue 50 other posters who will point out the weirdness of my post. Sigh!

Or mine! 😁 Such is forum life…..

I work with children and families. Over the years I've come across quite a few women who, following separation or the loss of their DC's Father, slip into treating their son like he's actually their Husband. As in relying on him for emotional and practical support, expecting him to prioritise spending time with her over friendships and seeming threatened by the prospect of him having his own romantic relationships, expecting him to accompany her to social events and be a substitute partner basically.
I recently had a Mum tell me that she was really hurt by her eldest son's "selfishness" because since he found a girlfriend at University he doesn't want to come back home every weekend anymore. Her perspective was that he has "abandoned" her with his younger siblings and she even said to him "what am I supposed to do for adult company?" She really couldn't see that it was normal, natural and a positive thing that her son has a new social life and is feeling settled in his university town.
I don't think that this dynamic is typical of Mother/son relationships by any means, but it does happen.

Completely agree. BUT, I've seen this exact same dynamic play out between mothers and daughters, and even dads and sons.

eg 1 housemate at uni - her parents were divorcing. She landed up spending hours and hours as her mother's emotional crutch, listening to all the ways her dad was being unreasonable, supporting her mother as she cried etc etc etc. Her mother took it very badly if my friend didn't spend all her uni holidays with her etc.

eg 2 Nephew came to live with BIL when he was 16. BIL seemed to think they were going to hve a "lads about town" relationship. The result was that he allowed nephew to be present for a lot of inappropriate behaviour (drugs/alcohol) etc AND he got very snippy and pissed off when his DS wanted to do things with his friends.

so it' snot that this dynamic does NOT exist between mums and sons (from what I can tell, my own father had to do a lot of work to disentangle himself from HIS mother, albeit in a very different scenario), it absolutely does. I just dispute the OP's suggestion that it seems to be endemic or unseen.

It’s all so complicated isn’t it.

There’s so much pain involved too.

I don’t feel ashamed. At all. Your touchiness confirms my notion, tbh.

This dynamic plays out with children of both genders. I think its actually much more socially acceptable with daughters though i.e. I think attitudes to a woman who rings her mother every day would be quite different to a man who does the same (I would find both a bit odd, but that's just me!).

My oldest DS (25) and I are extremely close. (We’ve just come back from Download festival) He has some ND issues and has needed a lot of support over the years. He’s engaged now and lives with his fiancée but will still turn to me for advice and support. His fiancée lived with us for about 3 years and completely gets our dynamic. Fortunately she and I are very close too and between us he’s very well “looked after”

Ime and witnessed on here I would say it is the opposite- mother and son relationships beyond say 20 are derided and sneered at and I don't see many codependent relationships that you describe op.

I think I understand what you're saying, but it's in no way exclusive to the mother/ son dynamic and I think the emotional codependency is also a risk in father/ daughter. But as others have said, codependency in any relationship is unhealthy and it happens in a range of relationship dynamics.

In terms of mother/ son being close, I'm not at all sure it is a green flag. For me, I might question boundaries and what might be 'too close' - e.g. an infantalised adult child who is overly reliant on a parent for practical, financial and emotional support.