I flooded the bathroom - DP is angry

[Moai]

Hi all, I could do with some objective thoughts on this.

I managed to flood the floor when I had a shower a couple of days ago and it leaked through to the ceiling of the room below.

DP got really, really angy, threw some things on the floor and shouted at me. I spent a long time sorting it all out. He was still furious, saying things like I ruined our house.

Obvioulsy, I was very annoyed and angry with myself as I should have noticed the water was too high in the shower basin but I never believed it was so high it had escaped the basin.

The water has left a bit of a brown mark on the ceiling below, and this morning I also saw it has left a mark on the kitchen ceiling. (I will soon attempt a vineager/water solution as this seems to be the best bet.)

I have said several times it was a mistake, I will sort it out and that I can't deal with him being so angry. DP continued to shout at me once or twice over the weekend when the issue was raised, and the rest of the time he hardly spoke to me. Is this a normal reaction?

I would never behave like that if anything similar happened to him as it was a genunie (stupid) mistake. We renovated a couple of years ago, and I understand he's gutted. I'm really gutted myself, but currently more concerned with dealing with being very anxious around him rather than the practical issues.

But is the fact that I'm quite a relaxed person and always treat geniune mistakes for what they are clouding my perception, and this is really warranted behaviour from him?

That's not a reasonable reaction from him, I'm sorry.

I'm assuming this isn't your only example of him being dickish?

He sounds like a child and a mistake is just that…a mistake
it happens to us all occasionally

OP I don’t think this is a normal reaction, no. It was a mistake, you didn’t mean too. Yes apologise and say you’re sorry and fair enough for him to be a bit annoyed but shouting, throwing things and having a fit about it over the weekend still is really mean and unfair.

I’m curious to know if he has shown anger issues before?

That reaction is awful, I could t relax around someone like that

Are you prepared to stay and give the message this is ok OP? Not in a million years is it ok.

I mean can you see him lovingly looking after you if / when you need it in the future?

He sounds horrible.

I've never known a properly fitted shower to overflow unless you had your foot on the drain preventing the water running away.

Misses point of thread unless it was he who fitted the shower.

His reaction is OTT but there is no point trying to have that conversation until he's calmed down. Does he usually react do badly to annoying but minor issues?

You will need a stain stop product, the brown stain is unlike to wash off. Let it dry fully before you try to remedy it.

If your shower tray is overflowing then it sounds like your drainage pipe maybe blocked or not up to the job.

It’s an accident. Yes understand he’s annoyed (as are you), but he’s not reasonable. We’ve got a similar issue although the damage was done by our cleaning lady. I had a conversation with her about the issue. I didn’t shout!!!

My adult son did this. I was momentarily annoyed because yes, it was an avoidable situation but after that, we just got on with sorting the problem out! The rage seems disproportionate

It sounds like a huge over reaction to what will be a fairly minor problem. Let the damp areas dry out, clean the stains as best as possible then a fresh coat of paint should sort it out (unless of course the ceiling's away to fall down).

Even the ceiling plaster fell down it should just be fairly cosmetic work needing done. And as above get the drain sorted so it doesn't happen again!

Good God! Bless you lovely you have a huge DH problem, not a stained ceiling problem.
You poor thing l am so sorry you have had to put up with that . LTB .

How horrible- it’s an accident! And it sounds like you didn’t even do anything - just be the unfortunate person who was the last person to use it!

Do you have a clogged drain (grim)? How else can it have been possible to flood the bathroom from an overflowing shower tray? I would get that seen to before anything else otherwise it will just happen again. Are you similarly careless about anything else? Water damage can be really awful to deal with because of the risk of mould. And it must have been a long shower to go through to the ceilings of two lower rooms. I’m struggling to see how you didn’t notice the water was above your ankles. All sounds a bit gross really.

But to your question: it’s not normal to react that way, no. Frustration and annoyance at the situation is one thing; frustration and annoyance with you is another (although I think I’d be a bit pissed off if DH did this). The silent treatment is never ok, ever. You haven’t ruined the house. The fact it was an accident is neither here nor there - nobody would do such a thing on purpose, the point is you should have taken more care. But bottom line, he’s overreacted.

@Moai it’s an accident op.
Stop apologising.
Your dh has no right to be angry with you. He can be frustrated at the mess to be sorted but there shouldn’t be any blame towards you.

Thanks for all your messages, I really needed a reality check. And no, this is not the first time he throws a fit. Generally I can see that he's overreacting, but this time I somehow felt more uncertain about it. The drain was blocked, that's why it overflowed, and I have sorted that.

As PP have said, this is not a normal or fair reaction. Mistakes happen - they are frustrating but generally fixable. You said you would sort out. Is this a pattern of behaviours? Not excusing it but does he see it as an expense you can’t handle, or a criticism of his work? Sounds like you need to have a discussion on that too if you can when he is calmer and behaving properly.

Practically - your shower shouldn’t flood that easily after a short shower use; the trap might need cleaning, there might be some sealant not quite right on the tray, or the door is not fully closing? It’s a waste of time to sort out the ceilings til you’re sure the source of the leak is fixed (undoubtedly he’ll be cross at the sight of the ceiling but that’ll get sorted last).

His reaction is extreme. Is there something else going on? Stressed about other things? Not excusing, but trying to understand why he has reacted so OTT.

Unblock the trap. Let the ceiling dry fully.
Spray the stain with this:
https://zinsseruk.com/products/cover-stain-aerosol
Depending on the finish of your ceiling, you may not even need to paint over it.

Once its all dried out, use a Zinisser cover stain paint over the water marks and repaint with emulsion. It'll fix any stains the leak made, like it never happened.

He sounds like an awful person. Mistakes happen and yes occasionally people are harsh at the time of something happening out of frustration but there’s being a bit short with someone and then there’s shouting and berating them over a prolonged period of time. Also, it’s important to ask yourself if he behaves like this with other people. If the answer is no then it’s clear he has more control of himself than he exercises with you, and chooses to be horrible to you.

DP continued to shout at me once or twice over the weekend when the issue was raised, and the rest of the time he hardly spoke to me. Is this a normal reaction?

He just doesn’t like you OP and he’s using this as an excuse.

Sometimes we can’t help getting angry in the moment but the fact that he’s carrying it when he knows it was a mistake, shows how much he dislikes you.

Stop apologising and tell him to get over himself.

He sounds abusive.

It’s a massive overreaction, he sounds like a bully, I bet he’s the type that would also hate you fixing the problem.

When my DH bought a new car - BMW Z4 - I reversed our other/my car into it on the drive in the first week. Scratched/dented bumper and a few grands worth of repair. He sat on the porch with his head in his hands for an hour, looked as though he was trying not to cry, and insisted I leave him alone while he calmed down. Was quiet for the rest of the day. Then he got it fixed and it was never mentioned again, except to take the piss out of me occasionally.

I was distraught at the time, though, so maybe your DP feels you’re being a bit casual? It will take more than vinegar solution to get rid of the stain on the ceiling, btw. It’ll need proper stain block and a couple of coats of paint - so if DP has to do it (I, personally would do it myself as the shower error was mine) he may be pissed off about that.

Sounds like he uses any mistake/action he can to throw a hissy fit and be a bit of a bully to you OP.