17 year old SD made no effort for Father’s Day.

[ReginaaPhalangee]

AIBU to be pretty pissed off that my 17 year old step daughter, who we have 70/30 with her mum,
made no effort for Father’s Day again this year? She has a part time job and gets an allowance from her dad every month, but again, she claimed that she forgot about Father’s Day (despite, ironically working in a supermarket). I reminded her twice this week and she said she has no money left, so I gave her £20 to get a card and chocolates or anything she wanted to get for him.

shes Not working today and only got up an hour ago and said she forgot. I asked what she did with the money I gave her and she said she spent it on shein.

AIBU to be pissed off that no effort was made? Also AIBU to next year not even bother reminding her?

for context, DH co parents very well with her mum so it’s not like there’s issues there, but she’s 17 - surely she should be making an effort.

shes not even said happy Father’s Day to him.!

Is it as much as an issue for your DH as it is for you? You are the step mother and I can't quite understand why you are invested. I also think the more you nag, the more she'll resist. This one isn't your monkey so let it go. My mother has nagged me over cards and late cards since I left home 48 years ago. I find them an utter chore as a result because the joy has been sucked from it.

FWIW I had a feeling dd had forgotten father's day. I bought an emergency card yesterday and when she got in she wrote a lovely message and propped it up with her brother's card. She's 27, her pupils have just finished their GCSEs, she had a ton of work stuff on last week and it's understandable. She'll pick up some chocs later.

You did a nice thing and she abused it. Make sure you the money back.

Id have reminded her. Id also remind her she owes you £20.

Agree.

Teenagers can be so awful.

YANBU at all — I’d be really upset too. At 17, she’s old enough to understand the importance of making a small gesture for someone who supports her emotionally and financially. Especially since you reminded her twice and even gave her money specifically for it. Spending it on Shein instead just feels careless and a bit disrespectful.
It’s not about buying something big — even a card or just saying “Happy Father’s Day” would have been something. It’s the complete lack of effort that stings.
You’re definitely not unreasonable for feeling done with reminding her next year. At some point, she has to learn that relationships require a little effort and thoughtfulness. You’ve gone above and beyond already.

It was around but definitely a commercial thing and nothing like the big deal made of it now. For the same reasons, me and my dad never did anything for it. I still loved him and did stuff organically or on his birthday but there wasn't any sense of 'you must observe father's day or you're a bad DC'. Now there's all kinds of days for all kinds of things but mainly to sell stuff or fill restaurants etc. Fine if you're into it but not all dads are arsed for cards and it's not a sign of whether their relationship is good or not. With a 17 SD, I'd leave them to it. You can't control the levels of effort a kid of that age makes and it's not genuine if you're forcing it. Let her manage her relationship with her dad and stay out of it.

OP it's not your business to be pissed off.

Her relationship with her father is between them.

She owes you £20. But otherwise leave her alone.

In her defence Father's Day isn't promoted that well.
She might work in a supermarket but I went in a big Tesco the other day and there was pretty much just one of those cardboard stand with cards on, half a bay with a few novelty gifts and some stacks of beer.
Very easy to not notice.
I also went in an Asda too. The "seasonal" aisle was picnic/gardening/camping stuff. I didn't see any Father's Day stuff - I assume it must have been in a different aisle.

@RosesAndHellebores

why has she had to nag you? Why didn’t you just do it off your own back.
and the joy of cards is for the receiver not the you as the giver. Hth.

YABU to be bothered about how much effort she does or doesn't make for Father's Day. That should be between her and her father. I tend to think that the importance of effort for these 'special days' is overblown, and that what matters is how you treat people every day. Her father may of course feel differently, in which case it's for him to address it with her..

However, YANBU to be annoyed that you gave her money for a specific purpose and she spent it on something else. She should be made to realize that she now owes you £20,

She needs to give you your 20 quid back OP no ifs or buts.

honestly! So SELFISH

Is her dad bothered? If not, why get involved?

I'd insist she return the £20 though.

Time for your dh to have a conversation. He needs to let her know that at 17 she should be remembering these things, that actually it’s hurtful to be ignored ( and yes before anyone starts I know Father’s Day can be considered a commercial thing) both in Father’s Day and birthdays, and how would she feel if he forgot her birthday?

He also needs to insist the £20 is paid back this week from her wages,

Finally he needs to tell her that he won’t be reminding her any more, she makes a note of birthdays and remembers mothers and Father’s Day. Then if it continues you forget her birthday

sometimes treating people how they treat others is the only way to go

Then I would not do much for her birthday. When kids figure out that they don't have to care about anyone at all on their day, yet a big fuss will be made for them when they have a birthday, they learn to be selfish and self-centered. I know people say that that is how teens are, but they don't have to be.

By the time they are 14-15, they are old enough to realize that you get out of the world what you put into the world.

Shite. I haven't said said happy Father's Day to my old headbanger of a father either. I'm 46 though - does it make a difference?

This. It’s a manufactured commercial occasion like Valentines, but we feel bad if it’s overlooked. I think if you add the average teenage brain into the equation, it's a tricky one.

Because she enjoys a good nag and cards are more important to her than to me. She expects wedding anniversary cards from me - she and step got married when I was 21. I couldn't really give a stuff about their anniversary. DH and I forgot our own on the 2nd anniversary so got out the previous year's cards.

I have in previous years driven 100 miles to her house at 10pm to deliver a fucking birthday card to avoid the snark. She sent the DC Chrstmas cards one year from grandma and grandad. Her husband is not my children's grandfather - she has weaponised cards. I shall never do the same to my children.

Satisfied?

@RosesAndHellebores

thanks, yes.

This is between her and her dad, he should be talking to his daughter about how this made him feel (does he even care?)

You should not be getting involved...

Me too, my dad isn't bothered (He is currently in Spain at the moment anyway on holiday). I know we have mothering sunday, but father's day is really just a gimmick and I've never given him a card for it. I love and appreciate him every day of the year.

I forgot fathers day, I don’t go to supermarkets and don’t watch terrestrial TV. I feel really badly, my husband is just laughing at me.

Kids are making cards now and I have ordered a gift to arrive in a few minutes. Takeaway tonight.

My point is, it is easy to forget. Sorry DH!

But to then go and spend the money on shein? She could have kept the money to one side and handed back when asked about it.

It’s none of your business.

She owes you the 20 back but you were absolutely ridiculous to be micromanaging a 17yo's relationship with their own parent. Maybe she doesn't believe in father's day and wasting resources on all these types of events.

It Is between her and her dad. If it requires you to remind her and pay for it then it is all a bit pointless anyway. She shouldn’t have accepted your money though.

She needs to pay you back the money that was meant for her dad.

But you can't force a late teen who's working to acknowledge father's day. Was her dad really upset about it? She may have texted/chatted to him?
I don't know many men that care about such things all that much.

But she shouldn't have spent your money. So I'd say just stop giving her money and she can bear the consequences of not sending or giving cards or gifts on her own.