To think one night stands are as bad as affairs?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

I should say that I’m not a Mum, but a Dad, so I’m sorry if it’s not really a ‘Mumsnet’ issue. I’ve come on here because I haven’t got any male friends or family I could share with, at least not without never ending humiliation, and I suspect my OH is on MN and might read this.

My OH confessed to a one night stand a few weeks ago. I literally cannot function since. I love and adore her, despite this. 15 years together, two kids, shared mortgage and all the rest of it. Without going into too much detail it turns out to be at least the third time in the last 5 years, entirely unknown to me. I had no idea at all, never suspected a thing, trusted her 100% until now. But now I feel completely stupid, all the clues were there and I just accepted every bullshit excuse as gospel.

I’m not looking for sympathy, shit happens and I want to deal with it, but where do I start? She says she loves me and wants to stay together, but I’m not functioning. I can’t think straight. I’m trying to act normal in front of the kids, while OH is blithely going about life as usual, she’s even managed to secure promotion at work which will bring with it more travel, and has asked if I would be okay with her going abroad for a weekend to her work friend’s wedding without me (apparently there's no 'plus one' on the invite).

The details (that I know of so far), are sordid and grubby. Her reasons/excuse(s) include that it’s when she’s been out for drinks with work or friends, usually (but not every time), when one or the other of us has been away with work; that I’m at least partly at fault for neglecting her needs, that we never said we were exclusive at the start (although she does accept at some point that we could reasonably have expected we’d become exclusive), and the best of all – that at least this was not an affair, these were just meaningless ONS’s!

AIBU to think there’s no difference, in fact it feels considerably more insulting and hurtful.

You don't have to justify or grade the intensity of your reaction. Jealousy is a powerful emotion that can't be ignored or put in a box - and it's evolved in humans for good reasons. You can make it clear how much she's hurt you and the hurt is likely permanent. Her truth isn't yours. And you can reassess the nature and terms of your relationship.

Yeah don't do this to yourself. Bin her off. She doesn't respect you.

How awful for you and what a cold response to the whole thing from her. I can’t imagine her working away from home more or going to a wedding alone fills you with any kind of glee given those are the circumstances that lead to these behaviours.

the first poster has offered good advice. Processing your reaction and assessing what you now what isn’t a quick or easy thing to do. She needs to understand you and your relationship with her are in crisis

You’ve suffered a huge betrayal, repeatedly, and it sounds like your OH doesn’t appreciate the enormity. If she isn’t remorseful, and isn’t moving mountains to make sure this never happens again then sadly I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. Unless you are prepared to tolerate it (some people are).

An affair is cheating.
A one night stand is cheating.
Cheating is not acceptable in a relationship.

I’m so sorry you have been treated this way.

You don't need to accept her reasons nor excuses. You need to decide what you are comfortable with. She's told you now, and plans to keep putting herself in these situations - so what, does she now expect this will be fine or has she said she will stop? It is never your fault that someone cheats on you, and however you feel about it is valid. You should choose to forgive her or not based on your wants and feelings, not hers. Take your time to consider what you want in the future and articulate it clearly to her. If she won't agree to having the same ambition and relationship structure for the future then unfortunately you'll need to break up. Sorry you are having to go through this.

I don't think a single ONS is as bad as an affair, no. Don't get me wrong, that is in no way minimising a ONS and anyone would be absolutely reasonable and justified in ending a relationship because of one. But an isolated ONS is one moment of shit decision making, which the person may genuinely be remorseful for, not a systematic and ongoing act of betrayal, which often involves gaslighting and all kinds of truly unforgivable behaviours. And often the remorse only comes once they've been caught out.

But it sounds like your partner has confessed to multiple ONS OP? In that case then yes, I see where you are coming from. Especially given the lack of ownership for it.

Sorry your in this position.

There would be no coming back from this for me

I've always thought I could maybe forgive a one off but three????
Absolutely no way. She has betrayed you repeatedly! Fuck thst forxa game of tin soldiers!

I'll bet she's done this more than 3 times.

LTB!

You'd literally always think she was having sex any time she was away from the house.

Time to go your separate ways, ask her to move out.

I don’t think it is nearly as bad as an affair, even an emotional one but it is still bad and still cheating.

You have every right to split up over it.

Absolutely unacceptable and now a job with increased travel.
I bet.
Your relationship is open apparently and it is over.
Discuss logistics, finances, housing and childcare.

She's a player. Don't be used and destroyed by this.

I would bin her off. I would also make sure I do a DNA test on the kids so I’m sure they’re mine. There won’t be a coming back from this and don’t be taken for a mug. I would suspect she only confessed because she was about to get caught, maybe she’s being blackmailed or something

I do think an affair is worse but a ONS three times is still enough to end a relationship. Her minimising it saying you were not exclusive is not making it any better.

Surely an affair is betrayal - anything outside of the partnership without the other partner knowing? Whether it’s a one night stand, sex, emotional affair - all of it is a betrayal. I don’t understand why you’re trying to split hairs over definitions - are you in denial that she’s been having affairs behind your back?

This is not your humiliation - it’s hers for her shitty behaviour.

Of course you should have sympathy - you’re the wronged party.

YANBU to feel everything you feel. It would be weird if you didn’t feel angry and hurt.

Bin her. No morals are no morals - and with a ONS, it’s just about having a shag, not even any emotions involved. Yuck.

The not ‘exclusive’ excuse is the ultimate in piss taking after 15 years and 2 children!

Exactly what @GRex says. Yes you most probably feel like you want her to see it from your side, how hurt and confused you are and ultimately yes you want her to understand, feel remorse and change her behaviour. But sadly in life, you cannot change people. A mistake or a one off that someone regrets bitterly and tries to make amends to repair the damage can be worked through and god that takes time, but she doesn’t seem to care about the impact of her actions. So yes it is down to you to decide if this is the marriage and life you want. I am not going to comment on her choices and actions as I do not have her side. But from your point of view, remember your happiness and life are precious and you have to decide how you choose to live it.

She’s still cheated so you have every right to be hurt. Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t an ongoing affair, she’s still slept with multiple other people! Don’t let yourself be disrespected like this

This is absolutely mind boggling and just unreal that she see can spout this excuse after a mortgage and two children. 15 years???? She’s absolutely bonkers.

The complicating factor here is your kids.

If you didn’t have them you’d probably, quite rightly IMO, end the relationship. She’s not remorseful (not even sorry she got found out, by the sound of it) and it’s very clear, from what you’ve written, that she’ll happily do it again if the opportunity arises. Probably, let’s be honest, on this wedding trip.

I suspect that the double standards would be enormous, should you ever decide a ONS is “not really cheating” yourself, and have one, but that’s by the by.

You have to make a decision here as to what’s most important. Is the continued daily contact with your kids, the disruption to them if you split, etc, enough to keep you gritting your teeth and ignoring her cheating? Or will it continue to eat at you and destroy your happiness to an extent that the kids will end up suffering second hand anyway?

Be aware that the cheater in a relationship (male or female) usually (IME) turns out to be way more vindictive and unreasonable, in the event of a split, than the actual injured party. So you’re going to go through a lot of shit whichever path you take.

"15 years together, two kids, shared mortgage and all the rest of it"

Got to admire her chutzpah for trying time "we never said we were exclusive" angle.

Just get the kids passports and drain the joint account and get rid

Oh, and get yourself tested for STDs asap and, if you’re still intimate with her, start wearing condoms again.

She's taking you for a mug. It's up to you whether or not you want to carry on putting up with it. 🤷‍♀️

Out of interest, how did you find out? I’m wondering if she confessed all in a fit of guilt or did you confront her?