I’m probably breaking with the trend here, and appreciate most people won’t concur with me. I will hold my hands first and say I was the unfaithful one in my (now ended) relationship with my ex OH. I’m not leaping to the defence of your OH, but maybe my experience might ameliorate your feelings a little.
I can’t fully explain why I was unfaithful, or why your OH was unfaithful. But I want to say it has absolutely nothing to do with my OH being inadequate, doing anything wrong, suddenly becoming unattractive or being a failure in any way, and I suspect it’s the same for you and your OH.
I’ve tried many times to explain it to myself and to my ex OH, and to lots of counsellors over the years always without any satisfaction – I still don’t know why I did it!!!. But perhaps if I explain the backdrop there might be some common clues.
So, I was with DH for 26-27 years. We were both pretty young (he about 5 years older), neither of us very experienced and we threw ourselves head first, fully into our relationship, living together almost from the start. Some years in and our respective lives had changed dramatically, different careers, different ambitions, both grown up a bit, different friendship groups, changing interests etc, we even started to look different than we did when we met.
With those changes, which included, like they have for you, a lot of overnight stays away and travel with work, and even vacations with our respective friends, hen do’s, stag do’s etc. So with those changes often came the means and opportunity.
I won’t say that I ever felt neglected, but certainly there was a time when I became less of a priority for my (ex) OH (and probably him for me). I always felt like the ugly ducking at school, the ‘not cool’, geeky girl, at college and even at uni. I didn’t have the experiences other girls had, and coming from a rural area there was probably less opportunities for meeting people. When I moved to a vibrant city for Uni (where toward the end I met my ex OH), life looked very different to me. And as I went from Uni to work I grew into my career, and he into his. Suddenly, I was getting a lot of attention from men of the type that usually gave the cooler girls the type of attention I envied.
So quite a few years later, along with the means and the opportunities, came the temptation, especially under the influence of drink and when either one of us was away. A lot of flattery. The combination of means, opportunity, drink and now temptation was pretty overwhelming and eventually I gave in to it. Initial overwhelming feelings of guilt eventually gave way to feeling he hadn’t noticed because he didn’t care, and then came the feeling that I’d got away with it, and so it happened again.
I would add somewhere in there hormones had their part to play as well, I was in my twenties, approaching 30, OH a little older and conversations about kids weren’t particularly forthcoming.
Some years later, partly in the mistaken belief he might have suspected, a bit out of guilt, to stop me doing it again, and I suppose partly in an attempt to reset the relationship, I confessed.
I wasn’t prepared for his reaction and at the time I really didn’t appreciate the impact it had on him. I’d never in all of our years before or since seen him cry (even following the deaths of those closest to him that he cared for with the most incredible tenderness). But he initially sobbed and sobbed, which breaks my heart when I think back.
But then life changed dramatically, we went through a lot of counselling, and somehow moved on and settled down with lives seemingly devoted to each other and the family we went on to have, love and cherish together. While on the surface things were good, underneath, it was never resolved for him. We eventually split in early 2023, more years than I care to mention since my infidelity and my confession.
We live apart now but we’re very close (according to Google Maps we live 640m apart). The most honest, truthful and candid conversations we’ve had about it have been since we split. We holiday together with our (pretty grown up) kids, and we often travel together and go out together, even cook for each other (more him for me TBH), and look after each other.
But I have lost the most amazing person, a truly wonderful man and a life I wish I could have had with him. We both grieve every day and I know it’s my fault. I suspect your OH might feel the same, and that’s why she’s told you. I can honestly say my ONS’s were ‘meaningless’ in every sense of the word, not a hint of emotion, just a meaningless and misconceived sense of ‘validation’ that I fully regret. I can’t imagine an affair would have been so meaningless. Nevertheless, both are equally devastating and wrong.
I’ve discussed your post with my ex, and asked how things might have been different between us. His answer to that was firstly he wishes he hadn’t concealed the ongoing hurt and devastation shortly after my confession, he wished he’d shown his emotions more. On the outside he was coping, I wasn’t really ‘showing’ any remorse, even though I felt it, I didn’t show him because I thought it would just rake up bad feelings and upset. So that appeared to him like I didn’t care. I bet your OH is the same. Where you say she’s ‘blithely’ going about her business, that was me. But on the inside, I just wanted to make everything right for him, I couldn’t see much wrong with him to make right. In hindsight, I wished it was me that frequently asked if he was okay or wanted to talk about it. Instead, I avoided it, and waited for him to raise it, which was usually at a time he'd bottled it all up and we couldn't talk rationally and I'd get defensive.
What I will say is don’t leave it for any amount of time. Discuss it now, not in years down the line.
Don’t be harsh, on either of you. We’re all human, and I can bet there’s a significant number that have posted on here are not really able to cast the first stone. Separate if you must, but it’s not inevitable.