To think one night stands are as bad as affairs?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

I should say that I’m not a Mum, but a Dad, so I’m sorry if it’s not really a ‘Mumsnet’ issue. I’ve come on here because I haven’t got any male friends or family I could share with, at least not without never ending humiliation, and I suspect my OH is on MN and might read this.

My OH confessed to a one night stand a few weeks ago. I literally cannot function since. I love and adore her, despite this. 15 years together, two kids, shared mortgage and all the rest of it. Without going into too much detail it turns out to be at least the third time in the last 5 years, entirely unknown to me. I had no idea at all, never suspected a thing, trusted her 100% until now. But now I feel completely stupid, all the clues were there and I just accepted every bullshit excuse as gospel.

I’m not looking for sympathy, shit happens and I want to deal with it, but where do I start? She says she loves me and wants to stay together, but I’m not functioning. I can’t think straight. I’m trying to act normal in front of the kids, while OH is blithely going about life as usual, she’s even managed to secure promotion at work which will bring with it more travel, and has asked if I would be okay with her going abroad for a weekend to her work friend’s wedding without me (apparently there's no 'plus one' on the invite).

The details (that I know of so far), are sordid and grubby. Her reasons/excuse(s) include that it’s when she’s been out for drinks with work or friends, usually (but not every time), when one or the other of us has been away with work; that I’m at least partly at fault for neglecting her needs, that we never said we were exclusive at the start (although she does accept at some point that we could reasonably have expected we’d become exclusive), and the best of all – that at least this was not an affair, these were just meaningless ONS’s!

AIBU to think there’s no difference, in fact it feels considerably more insulting and hurtful.

I would consider that the end of your marriage. What a cold and heartless woman.

I am sure you are not perfect. But that's not grounds for her betrayal.

Don’t be a doormat.
Tell her she has broken your relationship and then start work on disentangling your life/finances.
It’s a long road ahead, but you shouldn’t stay where you are so disrespected.

Yes you're right, in this instance, one night stands are as bad as your wife having an affair.

You are well within your rights to end this relationship, you do not have to stay with her because if you do, you will never be able to trust her when she goes out and that will drive you insane. That is not healthy for you or your kids.

And as for "that we never said we were exclusive at the start" fucking hell, what a massive, disrespectful cow you've got there.

Break up with her and let everyone know why too!

Some people would be more likely to forgive a ONS than an affair so that’s what it’s meant by “not that bad”. But that normally means just one and it also doesn’t mean that the feelings (anger,hurt,betrayal,jealousy, resentment ,shame etc.) aren’t that bad or any less valid.

She’s done this repeatedly and doesn’t seem to feel any guilt or remorse over it. It will happen again so you’re better off ending it now for everyone’s sake, but especially yours.

The part where she says you are partly to blame etc is manipulative gaslighting.

You’re not stupid for wanting to trust your wife. This is entirely down to her - her behaviour and her character.

Am I correct in saying that she doesn’t even seem to show any regret, remorse or compassion?

How recently did this happen, OP?

I am just asking because the only way her saying "we didn't agree to be exclusive" really makes sense, is if it happened very early on in your relationship.....

Not saying that means you should stay with her - it's still your choice if course. But it may make a difference to how exactly you deal with it......

I couldn’t accept that. I’m sorry she’s done that to you.

Oh sorry, just saw it was in the last five years.

It's a very weird thing for her to say, then.

I’m sorry to read this, OP. In my opinion, I think that any sexual activity with another person is unacceptable if you’re in a committed / long term relationship. Whilst an affair is worse in some ways because of the level of deception and emotions involved, I couldn’t stay with someone who had been unfaithful to me. I’ve been with my husband for 50 years now but if I found thst he’d been intimate with another woman in any way, at any time in our relationship, that would be the end for me and he would never spend another night under the same roof as me. Once the trust has gone in a relationship you can never get it back again.

She's arguing that you're not exclusive? Since when do you have to specifically state that you are?

You don't have to stay if you want to be monogamous and she can't agree - that's what it boils down to.

Edit: sorry, didn't mean to quote the original post 😳

Well, you know how you feel about the situation and you have every right to be hurt, jealous etc.

Some people would think an affair worse, some would think it's the same outcome. Partner fucked someone else. Some might think ONS is worse as it shows a very blase and casual attitude towards sleeping with near strangers.

So basically if you cheat your partner ain't going to be loving the situation. Regardless of the frequency. Or the number of people.

But, if this really did happen right at the beginning when she hadn't quite decided she wanted exclusivity with you, it seems less bad than if it was more recent. In fact many might not ask or want to know such things.

However, she saying it's partly your fault is absolutely bang out of order.

She doesn’t respect you and clearly does care about you at all. I’m astounded she’s carrying on like it’s not a problem. A decent partner would be begging for forgiveness, willing to do anything to make it up to you, and cancelling all travel while they regained your trust. She doesn’t give a shit about you, or the kids since she’s happy to destroy their stable home life to shag a stranger. How dare she say you weren’t meeting her needs. Just get rid of her. You deserve so much better.

1. Hire a skip
2. Put her shit in it
3. Change the locks

Do not allow her to treat you like this.

This @MelBrookesMyHero and, she’s betrayed you - once, maybe forgiveable. Any more? No. Weekend wedding away? Sounds like hogwash to me. Dirty weekend more like.

I am so sorry you are going through this. One night stand or affair matter not as she still cheated, she still chose to hurt you. She has no respect and no intention of stopping. Tell her to leave and don't hide the reason from family and friends. You may find she has no wish to keep the children with her. Good luck and don't allow yourself to be made a fool of.

If you are hurt, then you are hurt. Doesn't matter if it's an affair or a one night stand - you are hurt, and your feelings are valid.

It's gross that she is now arguing that your relationship wasn't "exclusive"!!!

Sadly it doesn't seem she really gives a shit - and from the way you've described it it sounds like she's had more than one of these?? That is no way to go through life.

Fortunately since you aren't married you won't have to go through the horrors of divorce - but make sure you get your finances all squared away and get credit checks etc to makes sure money hasn't been frittered away.

Leaving a relationship - especially with children involved - is never easy but living in a house with someone who has cheated on you (and goodness knows what STDs she may have contracted!) is far more difficult. Hopefully you can get yourself a divorce/relationship counsellor who can help you with all the feelings that this is going to stir up.

I think a ONS is just as bad as an affair. Even worse in a way because it’s destroying the trust for something meaningless with someone else.

At least with an affair, there’s an emotional connection/love interest which is more justifiable to ruin your relationship for (and obviously 100% totally unforgivably wrong also) but I think I understand the process of having an affair more than a ONS. And, yes, I’ve been the victim of an affair which ruined my relationship with my kids’ dad but I think it would’ve been worse to lose that relationship for someone he didn’t even care about.

You can't trust this woman, she doesn't love or respect you.

Get out while you are still sane because she has no intention of stopping her ONSs.

In a way it's worse because it's putting a marriage at risk and causing a tremendous amount of hurt for... not much at all. It's not even someone you care about or love.

But like another poster said, an affair is gaslighting, going cold, picking arguments, continuous lying etc.

So basically, what's the point of comparing? They're both awful. It's the difference between a shit sandwich and a, I dunno, vomit sandwich? You don't have to eat either.

I would be suspicious about why she suddenly confessed. What does she expect you to do about it? I think your relationship is over. You might think you can get over it, limp on for a little while, but her attitude implies that she’s not regretful or remorseful at all..

I'm afraid this would be the end for me - it's not a ONS, it's a series of one night stands! You've every right to be hurt and angry.

One one-night-stand, immediately regretted and confessed to, is not as bad as months of lying and sneaking around, having a secret relationship with someone else which is what an affair is.

Multiple one-night-stands is more or less the same.

It's the lying that's the worst bit.

She sounds a cold and manipulative woman. This is in no way your fault and is all on herself. Quite frankly the relationship would be over if it was me.

A ONS is just as bad imo (if my husband done this even once no matter how sorry, he'd be out the door) but multiple just shows how little this woman thinks of you and to then try to blame you is unbelievable.

Get everything sorted, make sure you have at a minimum joint custody of your kids and get your fair share of everything. Do not let this horrible woman carry on manipulating you

I think a ONS is worse really. An affair usually has an emotional connection which goes some way to justifying the betrayal, yes it means the relationship is broken but there was an actual attraction and pull as the reason for doing it.
A one night stand is just pure betrayal for the sake of it, its not like feelings developed and that encouraged it. It's just a choice because of an absolute lack of care or feelings for the partner.

Yanbu. She needs to take responsibility for her actions, by saying it's because you are neglecting her needs or you never said you are exclusive she's deflecting. She's not sorry and she'll probably do it again. I'd leave despite what she wants.