To think one night stands are as bad as affairs?

[MelBrookesMyHero]

I should say that I’m not a Mum, but a Dad, so I’m sorry if it’s not really a ‘Mumsnet’ issue. I’ve come on here because I haven’t got any male friends or family I could share with, at least not without never ending humiliation, and I suspect my OH is on MN and might read this.

My OH confessed to a one night stand a few weeks ago. I literally cannot function since. I love and adore her, despite this. 15 years together, two kids, shared mortgage and all the rest of it. Without going into too much detail it turns out to be at least the third time in the last 5 years, entirely unknown to me. I had no idea at all, never suspected a thing, trusted her 100% until now. But now I feel completely stupid, all the clues were there and I just accepted every bullshit excuse as gospel.

I’m not looking for sympathy, shit happens and I want to deal with it, but where do I start? She says she loves me and wants to stay together, but I’m not functioning. I can’t think straight. I’m trying to act normal in front of the kids, while OH is blithely going about life as usual, she’s even managed to secure promotion at work which will bring with it more travel, and has asked if I would be okay with her going abroad for a weekend to her work friend’s wedding without me (apparently there's no 'plus one' on the invite).

The details (that I know of so far), are sordid and grubby. Her reasons/excuse(s) include that it’s when she’s been out for drinks with work or friends, usually (but not every time), when one or the other of us has been away with work; that I’m at least partly at fault for neglecting her needs, that we never said we were exclusive at the start (although she does accept at some point that we could reasonably have expected we’d become exclusive), and the best of all – that at least this was not an affair, these were just meaningless ONS’s!

AIBU to think there’s no difference, in fact it feels considerably more insulting and hurtful.

If you are wanting to try to save it then no she can't go to the wedding and she'll need to cut back on work trips. I'll be honest I wouldn't be wanting to save it as I would never trust her again. I think that is were you will really struggle- the trust as once that's gone it's hard to ever get back! It will eat away at you and if she has to go away you'll always be wondering what she's up to and who with

A one stand is cheating end of. She's blaming you. End the relationship then she can shag who she likes.

She's gross lol leave her. Saying you never actually had the "exclusive" chat?! She's a fucking idiot to boot. If she can stoop that low then it speaks volumes for her character. She isn't worth the time of day.

Male voice here 🙋
I think she's made her choices tbh, as it's a few times. Just try to make sure things are sorted out amicably, for the sake of the kids. Wishing you good luck and happiness. 😊

It doesn't matter whether it's an affair or a ONS, she's been disloyal and betrayed you. Don't invalidate your feelings.

She’s had at least 3 ONS and seems to be minimising it and deflecting blame onto you. I’d say there’s a very high likelihood that she’ll continue to do this in the future. I’d leave, but if you don’t want to then at least get regular STD tests and tell her the impact that it’s had on you and what you expect of her in the future and the consequences of her doing it again - and stick to it!

Sorry OP but you love and adore a person you thought she was.

I could not be in a relationship with someone so reckless.

The gaslighting is jaw dropping too.

I would separate and work out how to effectively co-parent.

Oh, that is awful. Your life has been shattered. Her actions are unforgivable.
It is worse than an affair imo.

She’s cheating on you and I suspect she wants you to leave. Leave. Don’t humiliate yourself like this.

Why did she tell you ?

I'd personally feel worse about an affair than a one night stand but I don't think that's a blanket thing and your OH is really minimising the hurt she has caused you. To try and use the excuse of not having a chat about being exclusive is laughable. I don't think I ever had that chat with my DH either but we just know. I think its fair to conclude you are 'exclusive' when you are living together and have had children. If this is happening when she is drunk why hasn't she stopped drinking.
I can completely understand you will not be able to trust her and will not be happy with her going to a wedding solo and lots of work trips away. However, that is no way to live. If you don't think you can get past this to a point where you can trust her again it's best to end the relationship now. Given her excuses and it not being a one off, I think you would be right in not being able to trust her.

’that we never said we exclusive at the part’ - after 15 years and two kids I’d assume we were exclusive. The fact she even said that is a joke in itself. Bin her

Please take whatever time you need to process this. You need to do what is best for you - not her - you!

Your needs and wants are just as important- prioritise yourself for the moment and really think about:

• 3 one night stands is absolutely fucking awful - can you really trust her again - can you really forgive that?
• the way she is behaving now - she should be doing whatever you need right now to get through this - not getting a new job that has lots of overnight stays and not carrying on as normal!!
• has she really got a new job??? or is this an excuse for more shitty behaviour
• she clearly does not give a shit about this and wants you to say she can go to a wedding abroad with friends who probably all know (and facilitate) what she gets up too!

I am sorry she has treated you this way, it is totally unacceptable and nasty!

I could not forgive this - 3 night stands!!! are there more that you are not aware of??? She also clearly does not care about you or your feelings.

Please can yourself checked for STis and if you do forgive her you set the rules:

• she gets a new job with no overnight stays
• she goes to the wedding abroad but you go too and stay in the hotel etc….

Take care

Unless explicitly stated otherwise, it is totally reasonable to assume that a 15 year relationship with two children is exclusive and that neither partner will sleep with other people, either on a one night stand or in an affair.

Your partner sounds very entitled and insensitive and expects you to suck it up. I doubt that she would be happy if you decided to do the same.

A one off - perhaps. Everyone makes mistakes. But three episodes of cheating. It's a no.

‘an isolated ONS is one moment of shit decision making, which the person may genuinely be remorseful for, not a systematic and ongoing act of betrayal’

An earlier PP said this and I’m not sure I agree. Even with an ONS, there’s a series of one small decision after another, each of them a betrayal. It might start innocently enough with a second glance at someone followed by moving a bit physically closer and then progressing to kissing and so on and then making a decision to leave together. Even a short trip to be alone with the person is laced with small decisions, at any point you can choose to do something different.

I suppose an affair which might involve emotions might feel like a bigger betrayal (especially if the deceit and lies have been going on for a long time) but betrayal is betrayal - a decision to disregard your relationship/marriage for sex with someone else. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP but as others have said, what she’s telling you is likely only to be a very small part of the story. And don’t listen to the gaslighting of ‘you didn’t meet my needs’. If you weren’t meeting her needs she should have talked to you about it, not had multiple ONSs.

To me it seems worse that someone would risk their marriage, their children’s security, their whole family……for a one-off random.

I’m so sorry.

Your OH has no moral compass. She can't even see her behaviour is wrong. Time to separate, then she can live her life the way she wants.

It’s all cheating and I wouldn’t put up with it.

Don't stay with a woman who can do this to you repeatedly and not give a shit. You deserve more than that.

Work on effective co-parenting.

A ONS is fine if both are single. Otherwise, it is cheating and for many people that would be the end of a relationship.

My now ex DH had a ONS with a sex worker and contracted an STD. And we attempted to work through it but after 2 more years of late nights, unanswered phone calls and a call from a mystery woman at 4:30am when our baby was 10 weeks old I was done.

There are absolutely relationships that have survived a ONS and even affairs. But for me personally it wouldn’t be worth saving after that. I know myself now that I couldn’t get over it, and that sometimes the other party takes your forgiveness as weakness and escalates the behaviours.

I thought you meant ONS between two single
people. What you mean is your wife cheated on you.
I don’t see why it matters if it was a one off or repeated - cheating is cheating in my book.

The details (that I know of so far), are sordid and grubby. Her reasons/excuse(s) include that it’s when she’s been out for drinks with work or friends, usually (but not every time), when one or the other of us has been away with work; that I’m at least partly at fault for neglecting her needs, that we never said we were exclusive at the start (although she does accept at some point that we could reasonably have expected we’d become exclusive), and the best of all – that at least this was not an affair, these were just meaningless ONS’s!

The level of disrespect in her “reasoning”.

I know there are children which makes this difficult but I could not remain married to this woman. “Did not say we were exclusive” come on now….

Oh and she will definitely keep cheating.

I missed this and it’s a really good point. If the ONS happened in the early days of the relationship I would view it very differently.