Who’s right here ? DH or me, play date after party, spontaneous decision.

[curioustoknownow]

My DD5 had a b day party last weekend.

My DH stayed home with my little one. We had loose plans for the day, that we’d go and visit his relative ( literally an announced drop it ) at some point in the afternoon.

let me preface this by saying, my DH is sloooow in getting ready and out of the house. He faffs around for ages and is never in a rush. I’m always, always waiting for him.

so my DD’s friends mum, asked if I could watch her DD for a couple of hours after the party. It was a morning party, so she’d be ready to be picked up at 2:30 from my house.

my DD was so excited, begging for her friend to come over. This was the first time that my DD had a friend over, without the parent also being there. My DD is also constantly asking for play dates with her friends and we don’t do it that often.

anyway, of course his majesty was not happy about this. Even though he wouldn’t be the one to watch the kids or anything. I thought they could play whilst I watch them and in the mean time, DH could potter about, getting himself ready. We didn’t have time pressures really and I also had an end time to the whole thing already arranged with the mum. I clearly told her, we do want to go out in the afternoon and I can watch her for a couple of hours.

my DH said he wanted to leave really early and get going and this was going to hold us up. It’s not even true. We wouldn’t have left early at all… he also thinks I never put limits on my DDs fun and that going to a party was more than enough fun for her in one day. Tagging on a play date was OTT.

anyway, by the time we got back, the girl was only with us for an hour or so and then left and we went about our day.

who’s unreasonable ?

He is!

He wants you to put limits on your daughter’s fun…..? Wha…?

YANBU.

He is - tell him to shut up and get a grip!

He thinks you never put limits on your daughter’s fun…!? Such an odd thing to say.

He is. He's just being a curmudgeon and seems to want you all at his beck and call. He's not the CEO of your household - he doesn't get final say over decisions which you're entitled to make and which don't involve him.

He sounds quite irritating.

Yeah he just always thinks ‘ it’s enough ‘… I told him that he’s got a shock coming because as she grows up, she’s going to want to be doing stuff a lot more and friends will come over and that sort of thing. My parents would 100 percent allowed my friend to play at my house in the same way I did yesterday. It was just the norm.

Does he normally look for excuses to have an issue or apparent reason to be in a grump OP?

My exDH used to be like this, he’d also get annoyed with things that didn’t affect him in anyway, I.e, people parking over a neighbours drive that had no impact on us would throw his whole day off…such fun!

He is.

but this is the bigger than this one incident op.

you write about him with complete disdain and contempt.

He was just being moody I think. Ignore! He will get over it!

Oh - wait a minute - you’ve written your question both ways round - opposite in the title and last sentence! I mean he is being unreasonable

He gets annoyed if things happen spontaneously or if plans change. Whereas I guess I’m pretty easy going and flexible.

I think he’s also annoyed with this particular mum, because we have had two play dates at our house so far ( where the mum also came ) and she’s not invited us to come to her house. So that annoyed him as well. But honestly, I didn’t take my DDs friend to do the mum a favour, I took her because my DD was happy about it and was having fun. The little girl is lovely and was absolutely no bother at all.

How weird. He is obviously BU.

Does family life piss him off in general? Does he miss pre DC weekends? The comment about ‘enough fun’ for your DD reads a bit like that.

you know what. That’s what I did. I explained how it was ridiculous and how he’s going to have to start getting used to this kind of thing, as our kids are growing up.

he was a bit grumpy but I just ignored it and changed the subject and then he snapped out of it.

the little girl did have a bit of a breakdown at the end, bless her and he said that maybe they’re still slightly young to have play dates without their parent there too.

He just gets very overwhelmed by kids activities / parties.

I am sure he misses pre kids weekends and just hasn’t properly got used to how things are.

I thought a lot of people would say I’m being unreasonable because it wasn’t planned etc. I’m sure some people wouldn’t love it.

Is he neurodiverse OP?
What happened to the original plan, and did he get any say in the change?

Not that I’m aware of.

the original plan still went ahead.

and no I didn’t phone to ask him if it’s ok that my DD has her friend over before we head out.

I would say this doesn’t matter if he is. When you have kids, their happiness matters, so if he can’t cope with change, he needs new strategies to cope with change, as it will happen constantly from now on- not to control how much fun your dd is allowed, that would be abusive, ND or not.,

He’d hate to live with me then, we often have random last minute kids round, and I almost never say no if someone needs help, I also volunteer my DH to look after other people’s kids if I’m not available, and I know he won’t bat an eyelid.
Totally normal to help people out if you can, and there shouldn’t be a fun limit unless your kid is getting overwhelmed.
He sounds weird and unpleasant to live with.

Is a party and a couple of hour play date really that much in the day for a 5 year old ? I don’t think so.

he’d be the same if I suggested we take them to the playground after they’d been to a party. He’d say ‘they already went to the party ‘…

the thing he’s also missed here is that when DDs friends was over, they were really engrossed playing together - so guess what- we didn’t need to be overly involved and had a bit of peace too. Of course I was watching them, but the bulk of the entertainment was the kids, entertaining each other. Pushing each other on the swings. I could sit back a bit.

My parents never had an issue with my friends coming. My best friends and I, practically lived at each others houses. It was an adventure. Of course, times are different now but still. I want my DD to have that kind of carefree childhood.

Some people do need a lot more downtime than others. I need some quiet and space at each weekend day. But he needs to communicate this to you.

It definitely matters if he is.
It will totally alter how he responds to changes, and anyone who is ND or loves with a ND person will appreciate this. Saying no to an additional play date after a party isn't abusive.

Does your partner also want this? Is he able to do this? Have you even discussed it?
I don't think either of you are BU but you need to talk about these things going forward.