Who’s right here ? DH or me, play date after party, spontaneous decision.

[curioustoknownow]

My DD5 had a b day party last weekend.

My DH stayed home with my little one. We had loose plans for the day, that we’d go and visit his relative ( literally an announced drop it ) at some point in the afternoon.

let me preface this by saying, my DH is sloooow in getting ready and out of the house. He faffs around for ages and is never in a rush. I’m always, always waiting for him.

so my DD’s friends mum, asked if I could watch her DD for a couple of hours after the party. It was a morning party, so she’d be ready to be picked up at 2:30 from my house.

my DD was so excited, begging for her friend to come over. This was the first time that my DD had a friend over, without the parent also being there. My DD is also constantly asking for play dates with her friends and we don’t do it that often.

anyway, of course his majesty was not happy about this. Even though he wouldn’t be the one to watch the kids or anything. I thought they could play whilst I watch them and in the mean time, DH could potter about, getting himself ready. We didn’t have time pressures really and I also had an end time to the whole thing already arranged with the mum. I clearly told her, we do want to go out in the afternoon and I can watch her for a couple of hours.

my DH said he wanted to leave really early and get going and this was going to hold us up. It’s not even true. We wouldn’t have left early at all… he also thinks I never put limits on my DDs fun and that going to a party was more than enough fun for her in one day. Tagging on a play date was OTT.

anyway, by the time we got back, the girl was only with us for an hour or so and then left and we went about our day.

who’s unreasonable ?

Well done for pushing back.
He may be one of those controlling grumpy men that don't like other children over and think they get to decide everything in the house.

Start pushing back hard or you will regret it.
The children will grow and have friends and even though at times it is time and effort, it contributes to their growth, happiness and friendships.

Some men really cannot handle the noise of other children.

My lovely husband was like that years ago and he needed telling very firmly to get over himself, that the house didn't revolve around him.

I made it very clear I wasn't having it as the children enjoyed it and it was good for them.
Fortunately he is a reasonable man and accepted it.
I was reasonable myself and didn't overdo it.

The payback can be that you sit and supervise happy children entertained by themselves, if they play nicely.

I never entertained difficult children at all. If they played happily and well together, then they were welcome. Any hard work children were never entertained.
I had enough to do.

What a moron. Don't curtain your dd's fun. He sounds ridiculous

What a dick.

It would perhaps have been better if you’d pinged him before you left the party, to give him a heads up that x was coming over for an hour or two, rather than just arriving with a second child in tow.

It didn’t matter that you’d only had vague plans on timing to go out, the fact was that you’d changed them to the extent that it would be impossible to until after the child had left. Conceivably you might have popped into the in laws and still been home for 2.30 and had the afternoon free.

Yes agree.
In future tell him you will text him if there is a change of plans.
A heads up that you are bringing a child back is reasonable.

My dh used to do the, "ok, that's enough fun" thing. I think his parents did it to him so he thought it was normal. I cut that out asap.

How's is there such a thing as too much fun? I understand if its the wrong time (school lesson etc) but seriously. What a miserable way to live!

I did that

He's the unreasonable one.

I wouldn't have even considered this as being a 'play date'? It's doing a favour for another parent, and you never know when you might need a favour in return.

A support network is invaluable when you have DCs at that stage.

I would have spoken to either the husband or the relative to make sure everyone was happy with the visit being late afternoon. I wouldn't just bring another child home with me when there were other plans already in place.

He can be uncomfortable/grumpy/disorganised/unsociable without being neurodiverse.

Just sayin...

He sounds like a drain on life. I couldn't be done with his attitude. I wouldn't inflict it on my kids. Maybe he needs to go & live with his solely minded parents.

what you did was fine, don't let him change you!

I'm going to don my hard-hat and go against the grain here.

I have 2 Autistic DC and, although I haven't pursued a formal diagnosis, the general consensus seems to be they get it from me!
If DH and I had a rough plan for the day (birthday party, followed by visiting a family member) and he came home with a random child unexpectedly, I am willing to admit I would find that tricky. I wouldn't kick off or be rude to anyone about it, but it would throw me a bit. I don't mind the DC having play dates (I wouldn't say I enjoy them exactly, but I totally accept its part of parenting and I want them to have a nice time so I am happy to do it) but I much prefer them to be planned in advance.

I know that some people like to be spontaneous, and go with the flow, so it's hard for them to understand. But I find people turning up unannounced, or changing plans last minute really anxiety provoking. Its not that I'm anti-fun, I just need different things in order to have fun and spontaneity doesn't = fun for me like it seems to for a lot of people. Fortunately, my DH understands this and is sensitive to the fact that I don't find last minute changes of plan easy. Just like I try to be considerate of his needs and preferences. It's something that can easily be managed with a bit of mutual consideration, compromise and thought.

I don't think I'm a "moron", or a "dick" or "abusive" or any of the things OP's DH has been called on this thread. I am someone who finds it difficult when plans change at the last minute, or when I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe OP's DH is just a dick, I don't know, just offering another perspective.

"I think he’s also annoyed with this particular mum, because we have had two play dates at our house so far ( where the mum also came ) and she’s not invited us to come to her house. So that annoyed him as well."

He needs to start thinking more long term if he wants to be part of a community. I didn't do playdates very often when my child was younger but I was doing an awful lot of other things, being the football coach, running the choir at school, working for the PTA, plus we did a big inclusive birthday most years. I did masses that other people don't do and if I thought on such a narrow minded tit for tat basis everyone would have lost out. He sounds very selfish.

I am autistic and I don’t like when plans change at all, that doesn’t mean OP’s husband isn’t completely in the wrong.

If my husband was OP in this situation I’d tell him how lovely it was that DC was having a play date and that it didn’t matter that it pushed our plans back, even if inside I was stressing out, because as a parent your children come before your wants and needs.

He needs to have a very serious word with himself, I would seriously consider if I wanted to continue to live with and co parent with someone who prioritises themselves over the family. ND isn’t an excuse to be a shitty person and especially not a shitty parent.

Hmm, I hate last minute unplanned changes, this would have annoyed me. I also could never have a spontaneous playdatrle like that with another child, especially if we had afternoon plans.
Howrver, I don't think youbare wrong either, my sister would do this, she would invite the whole party back to hers, it wouldnt bother her.
So I think neither of you is wtong, you just have different tolerance for change and children in the house.

Yeah but the man must always be in the wrong on here

Here we go…

This. Absolutely this.

this is what I meant upthread when I said it didn’t matter if he is ND or not. I didn’t say that without an understand or compassion of why he is acting this way, his brain is clearly wired to need down time, whether he is ND or not.

I meant it from a place of -

other people exist.

they exist too with their own set of needs and wants. His wife and dds needs are that they want to be able to act spontaneously and have fun and friends over to play. Those aren’t unreasonable needs.

your families wants and needs will increasingly be in conflict, and shouldn’t revolve around just one person.

if he needs peace and quiet, then you work out how much disposable time you have as a family, half it so you each get some, and if he chooses to spend his time locked in his room with headphones on then so be it. But he absolutely does not get to grump around, moan about everything, and opt out of parenting.

Yep, I already 'just said' that. 🫣

As the saying goes, just like all NT people aren't the same, neither are all ND people. 😬

Sounds to me like you need a big conversation around expectations for how your daughters needs will be met and also how you can both be happy with spontaneous plans, it’s absolutely ok to have different feelings about last minute changes to plans but you both need to figure out the best communication around it so nobody feels they aren’t being heard.
Also worth keeping an eye as to whether he has signs of being ND or depressed, that’s a whole other discussion.
essentially I think some healthy communication needs to be had here rather than anyone winning at being right, nobody will win on that in the end, especially your daughter caught in the middle

My apologies then.
He really is being a twat!

He could have just taken your youngest and gone visiting himself if going earlier was that important to him.
With 2 children different ages / different needs we would often do things one on one, especially as they got older rather than doing everything as a family group.

Well first of all presumably the party was pre-agreed by both parents, that one would attend and the other would not. That's different to one adult making plans that infringe upon the rest of the day without consulting the other, which is what happened here. And I'm not saying, which I think is fairly obvious from my previous post, that the mum or daughter shouldn't get a say. Just that their say should be of equal value to the other adult in the house. In this scenario, the DH's input wasn't valued at all.
For what it's worth, I don't really think this is a big deal..it would be nice if the DH was flexible enough to roll with it without making it a big deal, but if he isn't then I think it's fair enough the OP recognises that it also would have been nice if she'd had a discussion with her DH before making plans that impact them both.

I can kind of see everyone’s point here. I am probably ND (in the process of getting my daughter assessed and half the time I feel like i am talking about myself!) so I get that changing plans and chaos is really hard. I need some down time on the weekend and I struggle with flexibility.

But… I’ve mostly had to ignore that since having kids. My struggles are a me problem, and I need to find ways around it for my children. My son in particular is super social so he is constantly running out to play with a neighbour or showing up here with a couple extra kids. My kids are 12/8 now so I’ve had years to try different things and what I mostly found is that I need to circle some time where there definitely won’t be random people around. So I set up a playdate for my son so I have a quiet afternoon or I go out on my own or I get into pjs at 7pm one night… whatever.

I think he needs to work out a reasonable compromise and then you can respect it. It might be genuinely be a lot for him to host a playdate (appreciate you were hosting but it still impacts him) and then go see a relative. Even though that sounds totally reasonable to most people it might not be for him. So before thinking he’s lazy or inflexible or inhospitable or whatever just ask him what things are really hard and for ideas of how to help navigate this. Because yes - there are years of this ahead!