Who’s right here ? DH or me, play date after party, spontaneous decision.

[curioustoknownow]

My DD5 had a b day party last weekend.

My DH stayed home with my little one. We had loose plans for the day, that we’d go and visit his relative ( literally an announced drop it ) at some point in the afternoon.

let me preface this by saying, my DH is sloooow in getting ready and out of the house. He faffs around for ages and is never in a rush. I’m always, always waiting for him.

so my DD’s friends mum, asked if I could watch her DD for a couple of hours after the party. It was a morning party, so she’d be ready to be picked up at 2:30 from my house.

my DD was so excited, begging for her friend to come over. This was the first time that my DD had a friend over, without the parent also being there. My DD is also constantly asking for play dates with her friends and we don’t do it that often.

anyway, of course his majesty was not happy about this. Even though he wouldn’t be the one to watch the kids or anything. I thought they could play whilst I watch them and in the mean time, DH could potter about, getting himself ready. We didn’t have time pressures really and I also had an end time to the whole thing already arranged with the mum. I clearly told her, we do want to go out in the afternoon and I can watch her for a couple of hours.

my DH said he wanted to leave really early and get going and this was going to hold us up. It’s not even true. We wouldn’t have left early at all… he also thinks I never put limits on my DDs fun and that going to a party was more than enough fun for her in one day. Tagging on a play date was OTT.

anyway, by the time we got back, the girl was only with us for an hour or so and then left and we went about our day.

who’s unreasonable ?

@KeineBedeutunghonestly, I have no idea and never even thought about it. Any other things you can point to that would be signs that he is ND?

@KeineBedeutungyeah we have talked about it. I don’t think he’s up for exactly how I had it. He’s very private, so it would bother him always having kids around.

but we are far from there. With one play date out of the blue. We both know there needs to be a compromise.

Tell him to get a grip 😀

Honestly if I told my husband we were visiting my family that afternoon and he brought a kid back from the party I’d think wtf?

This might help.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/signs/adults/
He might also just need more down time, be more introverted or be more private. I'm reassured that you've said on your other post that you do need to discuss it too. Good luck. I'd be like your OH in this scenario but can also see your viewpoint.

I thought someone would say that. What about if there was no time planned to visit the family and you always take ages to get ready anyway and there’s a definite end date for the kid leaving, which isn’t late at all ?

You both are. He for a being a dick, and you for consulting MN rather than just LTB.

also, looking after the kids, wasn’t his problem at all. He went upstairs and watched TV, got himself ready. It just made no difference to his life that the little girl was there. He barely saw her.

really ?? LTB ??

He’s a miserable so and so. Play dates are usually a win win ! The kids play happily and you can watch on the sidelines and drink tea/scroll/other!

That’s what I am trying to get him to understand indeed.

he just isn’t there yet.

He is BU. "You never put limits on their fun..." WTF?! It's the weekend and a party and a couple of hours play date (which sounds quite gentle with the girls engrossed in playing) isn't too much for an average 5 yo.

Does he worry in general about schedules or DC getting overwhelmed? My DP has always been pretty anxious about sleep for DD and that she'd be "a nightmare" if she didn't get a long enough nap or something (she was pretty chilled and never really a nightmare). I can only assume this has come from his parents in some way. It might be worth exploring if this "one bit of fun a day" thing has come from your DH's family somehow.

Still, your DH didn't even have to go to the party, he stayed home with the little one so it wasn't like he was overwhelmed with kids partying.

Limits on fun. Who elected him to be Fun Police? If you did, demand a recount.

This

Having another person in the house and having the plans changed clearly did affect him. Listen to what he's saying.* *

No it’s not about her being overwhelmed.

it’s all about him being overwhelmed and hating doing ‘ kids stuff ‘. He thinks they have ‘ enough fun ‘. And we do a lot of things for them already, we shouldn’t go overboard. And that’s all about him not liking it and just wanting to chill in front of the TV and do his own thing. And nothing about the kids.

I don’t know, I don’t think his parents took them out a whole lot tbh, is my impression.

Maybe, like a lot of men (and many women), he feels slightly on edge around unrelated children? Having people you don't know well in the house can be unsettling even if you don't have to interact with them. Would you like it if he invited one of his mates round without telling you, even if they kept themselves to themselves?

I also agree LTB is going to be the end point, maybe not over this one incident, but once all the one incidents that I suspect will happen pile up. He doesn’t seem suited to, nor like, having children and thus noise in his house. Amd that’s tough. He made the decision to have children, his peace will be compromised for the next 20 years. I can see your dc having to tip toe around on egg shells otherwise.

That’s what I was thinking. The disorganisation / faffing and getting upset about plans changing, dislike of “too much fun” (overstimulating for him). Gives me ADHD & autism vibes tbh. So while I do think he’s being unreasonable, there could be underlying reasons for him being a miserable killjoy.

Both my DC (now young adults) have autism and ADHD diagnoses. One was diagnosed in primary school which meant they had a lot of understanding and support through school, but the other was undiagnosed until aged 19 - they presented quite differently. The diagnosis for the later one has been a game changer because instead of the behaviour causing conflict like it used to both we (rest of the family) and they understand it and therefore manage it a lot better.

He is

I don't like the 'limits on fun' part, but it seems you did unilaterally make plans on what's actually a shared family day, without consulting or discussing with him. So I think overall, YABU

He could just be a bit inflexible and an introvert. I secretly hate it when my husbands friends or family just turn up. I didn’t grow up in a house where this happened. I wasn’t often allowed friends over. My parents NEVER had friends or family over. I married the opposite to this! My son is somewhere in between. I’ve tried to encourage him up have friends over and embrace random last minute changes as I want him to be more like his Dad than me in this way! It’s possible your husband is just replaying his own childhood without the self awareness it takes to realise there are better ways. In short, he needs to lighten up!

Is their daugher not part of this 'family', and if it was a 'family' day why was he at home and not out at the party with his 'family'? Why doesn't the mum and daughter get a say in the 'family' plans?

It sounds like he’s very rigid in his thinking - so if thing A happens that’s it, there’s no space to add thing B as well because that’s not part of the plan.

And he obviously finds children overwhelming. Which they certainly can be!

I got a bit confused but I don’t understand why he and the younger child couldn’t go to see the family member and you stay at home with DD and her pal. I don’t really buy into this whole “family time” malarkey. But again - that wasn’t the plan.

Don’t know about the whole taking ages to get ready but by the time your kids are teens you’ll have been there and back by the time all of them are ready <stares hard at 15yo DD>.

He sounds like a miserable bastard who loves an excuse to complain.