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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my partner despises me.

77 replies

HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 21:48

I’m so annoyed with my partner.

I’m currently in the midst of a very upsetting miscarriage, my eldest had a night in hospital and I don’t know if it’s hormones but I really am starting to hate my him.

For starters, he is aware I am miscarrying and has been totally fucking unbothered, has been ordering me round as normal, shouting at me that I haven’t done any washing or drying, moaned that he “lost a days pay” because he took a day off sick. I’ve been at the EPU every morning for bloods. I went on my own.

DD spent a night on an IV drip on Thursday, she had what they queried as sepsis. After moaning that I was over reacting my partner (her dad) took us, then left because his 20 year old grown man brother needed a lift home from work. So whilst miscarrying my child I was sat worrying about my eldest.

He stayed at his brothers house last night and left me, still bleeding heavily, to look after our 2 children.
I ended up going to my mums, he won’t sit in the hospital with me or the kids but when the same brother fell off his motorbike he went straight there and sat with him until they discharged him.

We have a child free night tonight, I’ve been told he needs to be in silence and doesn’t want to hear yapping and has gone to sit in the bedroom. Meanwhile manages to not sit in silence at his brothers house or his friends.

There have always been things he’s done that have hurt me, however the nice/nasty cycle has always drawn me back. Today, I am so fucking angry, I’m writing this literally shaking from rage, I don’t know whether I’m hormonal or just absolutely appalled that he’s treated us so bad.

I don’t get why he is like this with us, I’ve been so used to carrying all the load emotionally and physically but this is just insane - does he fucking hate me or something.

OP posts:
Jackiepumpkinhead · 14/06/2025 21:50

LTB. Edited to say I’m really sorry about your miscarriage and lack of support you’re receiving.

GoldMoon · 14/06/2025 21:52

He would be my ex partner asap , you deserve better than him.

Sorry about you mc and poorly dc .

Zanatdy · 14/06/2025 21:52

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Why are you with him? It doesn’t sound like there’s a single positive thing about him. Get out and don’t look back. You deserve far more.

JHound · 14/06/2025 21:52

What value does this man add to your life?

MugsyBalonz · 14/06/2025 21:52

The nice/nasty cycle is manipulation so that you'll stay, it's a classic tactic of abusers - here's the carrot of being nice so that you'll tolerate the stick when he switches back to nasty. That's what this is OP, it's emotional abuse and I think you know it. You and your DC deserve souch better.

Please call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. Their number is 0808 2000 247. They'll be able to give you advice on how to put together a plan to get this arsehole out of your life.

JHound · 14/06/2025 21:53

And yes your partner does hate you.

OneZippyPlumBalonz · 14/06/2025 21:53

Wtf, he acts like a 10 year old, LEAVE

Notableforthis · 14/06/2025 21:54

Sorry to hear what you are going through and sorry for your loss, but can I ask what advise you would give your DD if she came to you and told you this was happening to her ( I have a feeling you would tell her to leave him) best of luck.

Pilatesallday · 14/06/2025 21:54

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage Op. how long have you been with your partner? You speak of a nasty/nice cycle, and that you carry most of the emotional and physical load. Was he always like this? What attracted you to him.

I get that men can change sometimes but I wonder why you’re even having more kids with him. It doesn’t sound like a great environment to bring children into.

Did he want this child?

I just think sometimes women need to make smarter decisions. Not only for their sake but for the sake of their future children. I despair of some of the things I read on MN. I can’t imagine letting a man behave this way and then having children with him.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 14/06/2025 21:54

This is not justifiable or forgivable. This relationship is no good for you. If you can get your head around that, it will give you courage to take the next steps.

Sorry for your loss, and I hope your daughter makes a swift recovery.

Original poster
HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 21:59

He said he wanted it.

We have been together for 12 years.

He is familiar. I grew up with a very emotionally unavailable mum. She never expressed sympathy towards me, or was really in my corner. I have “just got on with things” from a very very young age and never really expressed it if someone bothered me.
Unfortunately thinking back most of my relationships have been with men who do not really prioritise me or my feelings. A lot of “stay out all night, go out with friends but not me” relationships.

I am used to carrying the load, I am used to being criticised. It never occurred to me as wrong because it is all I know. I haven’t experienced the love what others have, with partners that care for you, that look after you when you are ill, that take you on dates and buy you presents. This type of person is all I’ve ever known.

OP posts:
historyrepeatz · 14/06/2025 22:00

This man does not give a shit about you. He’s a horrible piece of work. Please leave him.

Original poster
HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 22:06

I need to get my head straight and find a therapist, cos if I leave now I’ll just end up apologising and begging for him back. It always ends up my fault.

OP posts:
MugsyBalonz · 14/06/2025 22:08

HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 21:59

He said he wanted it.

We have been together for 12 years.

He is familiar. I grew up with a very emotionally unavailable mum. She never expressed sympathy towards me, or was really in my corner. I have “just got on with things” from a very very young age and never really expressed it if someone bothered me.
Unfortunately thinking back most of my relationships have been with men who do not really prioritise me or my feelings. A lot of “stay out all night, go out with friends but not me” relationships.

I am used to carrying the load, I am used to being criticised. It never occurred to me as wrong because it is all I know. I haven’t experienced the love what others have, with partners that care for you, that look after you when you are ill, that take you on dates and buy you presents. This type of person is all I’ve ever known.

These are the dynamics of emotional abuse, OP. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent and it's so hard to break out of the cycle. I spent years tolerating all sorts of fuckery from various people because I'd learned that this is how people treat each other. It took a lot of time and conscious effort to realise that my feelings are as valid as anyone else's, that it's okay to have boundaries, and that tending to my own needs doesn't make me a bad person.

You don't need to put up with his shit. He's not a good person and he is using you. He doesn't care about you or else he'd be there.

You can leave him and you can change this pattern, there are programmes that can help you recognise these encoded ways of thinking and tackle them. The main thing though is to take that first step and get yourself free of this man.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/06/2025 22:13

Yes, he despises you. I’m so sorry. You need to leave him, though I know that’s not easy. I’ve seen a lot of similar stories play out on MN and there’s a lot of people who can give you great advice (I’m not one of them, sorry, just don’t know enough). But do keep coming here for advice. And maybe get this thread moved to the relationships board. You’re not the first woman to be in a situation like this, and everyone will want to support you. Do you have anyone in real life who can help you too?

Original poster
HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 22:15

Not really. I don’t really tell people my problems like that. Not friends anyway. I don’t feel comfortable.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 14/06/2025 22:16

Your partner cares for no one but himself. He enjoys treating you like shit, that you’re just an inconvenience and he repeatedly shows you he doesn’t care for you or your DC.
Please leave him, make a home for you and your children and learn to love and value yourself. Your doing all the parenting as it is, so it will be no change there, you need to leave this abusive man, so you and children can be happier and know your worth.

xPenelopePitstop · 14/06/2025 22:18

Wow. What a grade A cunt.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that your DD has been poorly in hospital. ❤💐

Sadly, I think you’re right. He dislikes you and your children. He doesn’t like family life. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t deserve to be a father.

Please end the relationship. Seek legal advice re: finances, the house etc.

Please confide in your mum and any good friends that you have x

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/06/2025 22:23

I think he sees you as his skivvy and nursemaid for his children. He obviously doesn't care if he's shouting at you to clean while you're having a miscarriage.

I don't think he could be more clear about his contempt. I hope you feel better soon 💐

Endofyear · 14/06/2025 22:27

I'm sorry for your loss OP, and hope your daughter is getting better. I honestly don't think I would forgive your partner's behaviour. He is cruel and selfish and uncaring. He does not deserve you.

Why do you think you would beg him to come back? Why do you want him in your life? I'd rather be alone than with a man who doesn't care about you.

Coffeislife · 14/06/2025 22:29

My ex sent me for beers for him 2 days after I passed our 20 week baby alone ( he was downstairs asleep while on route to get me a hot water bottle for the pain ). When I got the beers I also got pads where his mate made jokes about me being 'on the rag' that man did awful things to me physically, sexually and emotionally but how he treated me when I was losing our child is the thing that stands out to me the most. Do not accept it

Pilatesallday · 14/06/2025 22:30

HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 21:59

He said he wanted it.

We have been together for 12 years.

He is familiar. I grew up with a very emotionally unavailable mum. She never expressed sympathy towards me, or was really in my corner. I have “just got on with things” from a very very young age and never really expressed it if someone bothered me.
Unfortunately thinking back most of my relationships have been with men who do not really prioritise me or my feelings. A lot of “stay out all night, go out with friends but not me” relationships.

I am used to carrying the load, I am used to being criticised. It never occurred to me as wrong because it is all I know. I haven’t experienced the love what others have, with partners that care for you, that look after you when you are ill, that take you on dates and buy you presents. This type of person is all I’ve ever known.

I’m so sorry to hear that and you know it’s a very common story that people inadvertently seek out life partners who have similar traits to their parents. Great if you had emotionally heathy, loving and attentive parents, but not so good if you didn't.

I don’t have a good father so I
was determined to do the work and make sure - as far as is possible - I didn’t give my child a crappy father. My mum was very self absorbed and parentified all of us so I also suffered neglect on both sides.

What’s done is done as far as your existing children but think carefully about bringing more kids into this.

If you can afford therapy I’d suggest that and it doesn’t need to be talking therapy, it could be just reading books about this sort of stuff or watching psychologists on YouTube who talk about childhoods and how it affects us.

laurini · 14/06/2025 22:33

He doesn't love you.

tothelefttotheleft · 14/06/2025 22:36

Incidents like you are describing made me realise my children's father saw his birth family as his family but not us.

Pilatesallday · 14/06/2025 22:39

HelenKnowsTheOwner · 14/06/2025 22:06

I need to get my head straight and find a therapist, cos if I leave now I’ll just end up apologising and begging for him back. It always ends up my fault.

Yes you do. Please seek help/therapy.

A lot of men hate their partners unfortunately. This isn’t unusual sadly.

Some men settle down because they feel a wife benefits them basically and feeds their ego. They will sometimes settle down with the woman they can get rather than the one they want if that makes sense? And then they feel resentful they’re with someone they don’t want to be with.

And also some men would be like that with any woman, as they just don’t like women in general.

The way they see it is they get regular sex, house cleaned, children looked after (if they want them) and all the other duties many wives seem to think is their sole responsibility. Women are taught to be nurturers and helpers and men know that and the bad ones abuse that and use it to their full advantage.

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