I think my partner despises me.

[HelenKnowsTheOwner]

I’m so annoyed with my partner.

I’m currently in the midst of a very upsetting miscarriage, my eldest had a night in hospital and I don’t know if it’s hormones but I really am starting to hate my him.

For starters, he is aware I am miscarrying and has been totally fucking unbothered, has been ordering me round as normal, shouting at me that I haven’t done any washing or drying, moaned that he “lost a days pay” because he took a day off sick. I’ve been at the EPU every morning for bloods. I went on my own.

DD spent a night on an IV drip on Thursday, she had what they queried as sepsis. After moaning that I was over reacting my partner (her dad) took us, then left because his 20 year old grown man brother needed a lift home from work. So whilst miscarrying my child I was sat worrying about my eldest.

He stayed at his brothers house last night and left me, still bleeding heavily, to look after our 2 children.
I ended up going to my mums, he won’t sit in the hospital with me or the kids but when the same brother fell off his motorbike he went straight there and sat with him until they discharged him.

We have a child free night tonight, I’ve been told he needs to be in silence and doesn’t want to hear yapping and has gone to sit in the bedroom. Meanwhile manages to not sit in silence at his brothers house or his friends.

There have always been things he’s done that have hurt me, however the nice/nasty cycle has always drawn me back. Today, I am so fucking angry, I’m writing this literally shaking from rage, I don’t know whether I’m hormonal or just absolutely appalled that he’s treated us so bad.

I don’t get why he is like this with us, I’ve been so used to carrying all the load emotionally and physically but this is just insane - does he fucking hate me or something.

I don’t feel unsafe leaving. He’s not bothered enough to kick off or try and stop me. I just know I’d get in my own head and go back.

I know deep down I could walk out of my house, bags packed in front of him and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I think this weeks just confirmed it more than anything, the man doesn’t give a shit about me or our children

Are you in a position to walk out? Would your aunt put you up for a while? Do you have a job?

you aren’t going to heal in that relationship. You need to get out first and then start that process.

I’m employed yeah, I work at Tescos so my job will always be there.

I don’t think I need to stay with family either, I could try and squirrel away some money to just rent somewhere else. I don’t think my affordability would be great but that’s the only barrier I can think of.

I know for a start I don’t need Refuge or Womens Aid or any help with leaving. The horrible bastards not arsed enough to try and stop me, he’s not controlling or possessive so it wouldn’t occur to him to accuse me of cheating or anything absurd. He’s actually the opposite of a stereotypical abuser, he just doesn’t give a shit. Which is why I struggle with “domestic abuse” being applied to it, not really a good train of thought because it keeps me complacent in being here.

Sorry to say it OP but I agree with this. There is no other explanation. You feel it, you know it. You know what you need to do.

I see that you've been together 12 years.Dont make it 13 years.
What a heartless prick I really don't understand men that treat their partners so badly.

Shouting at you and ordering you about are both abusive OP. KHe has also emotionally abused your dc by not being there when she needed him. I suspect he uses coercive control to the point where its so ingrained that you don't even recognise what it is anymore. It's a difficult one to see when you're in the midst of it.I think it should be called covert control. It's quite sneaky an underhand as usually the perpetrator is all sweetness and light with everyone else..

He’s definitely not controlling in a traditional sense, I can go where I want, wear what I want, do what I want without him saying anything.

He’s a nasty piece of work to me, but I know full well if I went upstairs now and packed a bag in front of him he wouldn’t bother.
I am a people pleaser I think, and I think that’s why I’ve stayed.

You've stayed because you haven't known the type of love you deserve, by the sound of it. But it does exist and you've every right to experience it. Leave, make a life for yourself and your DC. Spend some time single and just enjoy your time together. It might be hard and challenging at times, but at least you won't be hoping for crumbs of affection and validation from an arsehole. Once you can see your own value, hopefully you'll meet someone that appreciates you for you too. Sorry you're going through this and for your loss x

Justcre read your OP. The fact that he keeps going on about the washing etc and you're aware of the pressure that places on you sounds like coercive control to me. Eg. if you haven't done the washing up because you're feeling unwell then do you feel pressure to do it even though it would be completely reasonable for him to expect you to do it?

It shouldn't be that way. You have the right to refuse to do things you don't want to and your decision respected. Been there and it's taken a while not to do things without having that panicky feeling. I sometimes react that way though as it takes a while to unfurl those reactive feelings.

Sounds like you’re in a good position to pack up and leave. Could you get some more hours to help with finances?

What a horrific week you have had. I'm so sorry.

Your partner is awful. You need to leave him asap

You don't need to wait and decide if he is abusive by official standards in order to leave him (sounds like he is, by the way). You have permission to leave him just because he makes you feel like this. I wish you all the best 💐

@HelenKnowsTheOwner whose house is it? if it is yours, just kick him out and change the locks. he can doss down on his bro's sofa! then go for child maintenance and universal credit. you will manage. it is far better for the children to have one happy parent that two unhappy parents.

He is a neglectful parent and abusive partner. Get out asap and don’t look back. Find your tribe (support groups/agencies/counselling etc), offload your feelings & make sense of your patterns, and embrace your 30s with your lovely kids. Onwards and upwards!

So sorry about your miscarriage, OP 🌸

Sometimes the bar is so low for the behaviour we accept, it takes something particularly nasty to make us open our eyes, and it can’t get much more nasty than how he has treated you this week. I know you’re not ready to leave but to get you emotionally placed to leave and stay away you should try and do the freedom programme. You can do it at your local children’s centre if your child is under 5 or online if not. You should also read why does he do that. Both should help you to stay in the mindset you’re in now, where you know you deserve so much better.

OP, I am sorry you are in such an awful situation but please read your last paragraph again. This is what is happening to your children. THIS is THEIR normal. You know it's not right and you know you do what you do because it was all you knew.

Getting married would mean him showing an act of love for me, and buying me a ring
No, it wouldn't. At this point in time, it would be a manipulative act because he knows that's what YOU believe

I’m not the abuser. Send this trope to the wasteman dads who treat the mother of their children like shit. Not the mums who are manipulated every day doing everything they can to be there for their children
OP, you have said that you do not fear him if you were to leave. In fact, you don't think he would bother looking for you. You've said he doesn't give a shit about you or the children. You know what effect this kind of abusive environment has on children. If you choose to stay, can THEY go stay somewhere at least?

I'm sorry to have to be so blunt - but I'm enraged on your behalf. I have lived through two similar types of marriages.

1. he doesn't love you
2. he doesn't even seem to like you
3. he clearly has emotional difficulties parenting his children

He only cares about himself and will never change. It's so hard to have loved someone like this, possibly so engaging to be around when they turned the 'social switch' on in public.

I'm many years down the line but managed on my own when my kids were 2 and 1. I have lived on my own for a few years now with my dogs and cats and honestly I have never been happier. It is unbelievably mentally freeing to have nobody, putting you down, shouting at you, storming out, disrespecting you, causing you emotional turmoil .... please leave for your own sake and for your children's ongoing emotional stability. I changed career, started from nothing again and eventually ran my own business. You can do this - please reach out for support. X

I’m so sorry to read you are miscarrying. If ever you needed someone in your corner being loving and supportive it’s now.

Yes you might be used to carrying the load, but being criticized whilst doing it, no, thats nowhere near acceptable, it’s just NOT. I don’t often say this, but you deserve so so so much better, and you are not going to get any semblance of respect, love or equality with the uncaring, selfish individual you are with. As soon as you are well enough please get out. Your current situation sounds beyond miserable. Good luck on all fronts.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

It sounds like you're a lone parent anyway, just with a grown man child too. You'd be better off and happier by yourself as you wouldn't have to tolerate the way he treats you.

I’m so sorry for everything happening to you right now. He sounds an absolute c*nt. Reading this has enraged me, you deserve so much better

Just read the rest of your replies OP. If you pay all the bills/rent anyway and he's so up his brothers arse could he not just go there?

And when you say about not wanting to talk to people in real life, remember you have here and in moments you feel like you want to go back to him come here and I'm sure we'd all be more than happy to reassure you your doing the right thing and to continue with it.

He is a bad person OP. He will not improve. I am sorry. Look after yourself.X

I’m so sorry for your loss
And so sorry for his shitty behaviour towards you and your poor DD. How old are your DC? Where were they tonight on your childfree night with him? You have some loving support you can turn to then and they will be proud of you doing the best thing for your kids.
Just bear in mind once he knows you’ve had enough he might start love bombing you or pile on the I’m a victim self pity - he obviously wants you around to feed his ego/sense of self so will not like the fact of you leaving being out of his control.
Be prepared for it and don’t fall for it - if this is the time he decides to produce a ring then you know exactly what sort of marriage lies ahead and you definitely do not want to trap yourself and your kids with him any longer!

This sounds like the beginning of the end. You’ll get there, have faith.

Reading what you’re going through is just awful, he is vile.

Leave him.