I think my partner despises me.

[HelenKnowsTheOwner]

I’m so annoyed with my partner.

I’m currently in the midst of a very upsetting miscarriage, my eldest had a night in hospital and I don’t know if it’s hormones but I really am starting to hate my him.

For starters, he is aware I am miscarrying and has been totally fucking unbothered, has been ordering me round as normal, shouting at me that I haven’t done any washing or drying, moaned that he “lost a days pay” because he took a day off sick. I’ve been at the EPU every morning for bloods. I went on my own.

DD spent a night on an IV drip on Thursday, she had what they queried as sepsis. After moaning that I was over reacting my partner (her dad) took us, then left because his 20 year old grown man brother needed a lift home from work. So whilst miscarrying my child I was sat worrying about my eldest.

He stayed at his brothers house last night and left me, still bleeding heavily, to look after our 2 children.
I ended up going to my mums, he won’t sit in the hospital with me or the kids but when the same brother fell off his motorbike he went straight there and sat with him until they discharged him.

We have a child free night tonight, I’ve been told he needs to be in silence and doesn’t want to hear yapping and has gone to sit in the bedroom. Meanwhile manages to not sit in silence at his brothers house or his friends.

There have always been things he’s done that have hurt me, however the nice/nasty cycle has always drawn me back. Today, I am so fucking angry, I’m writing this literally shaking from rage, I don’t know whether I’m hormonal or just absolutely appalled that he’s treated us so bad.

I don’t get why he is like this with us, I’ve been so used to carrying all the load emotionally and physically but this is just insane - does he fucking hate me or something.

I wouldn’t worry too much about how he feels about you to be honest; he clearly isn’t a good father or partner. Just leave.

This is so sad. I'm sorry for your loss op. You deserve so much better, for you and your dcs.
You've done nothing wrong to deserve this treatment.
You have nothing to beg forgiveness for.
It is unfathomable that you are suffering like this and he demands quiet, that he complains about taking your DD to hospital when she needs treatment.

Don't try end understand him. It's not you, his behaviour is sub human.

You know you need to leave. Let people help you, mn, woman's aid, your go. Get strength and support everywhere you can.

I'm sorry you're going through so much but I suspect you've just had a lightbulb moment and have realised your " partner" is a nasty arsehole
End this relationship ASAP
Is your home jointly rented/ owned?
if it's yours alone, ask him to go right now

Never mind whether he despises you, surely you must despise him.
None of this is you. I grew up with one loving parent yet I still managed to end up in a very similar situation as yours, esp being treated so badly mid miscarriage. So sorry you're going through that. I know that a lot of people don't understand just how devastating it can be unless they've gone through it themselves.
OP don't be me. I'm currently in ducks in row situation. When I think back to all of the horrible things my dh has put me through and how he has always put everyone, even a stranger one time, before me and my dcs, I wonder why I didn't give my head a wobble a lot sooner. My confidence was at an all time low but I'm gradually getting there.
He'll never change OP he's shown who he is time and time again from reading your post.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you, who is loyal enough to put you and your dd first. Mine did something equally awful whilst one of our dcs was on the way to hospital. I was so worried at the time that it didn't register until a long time after.

I'm sure there are decent men out there, we've just been unlucky in picking rotten apples (polite version).
Throw him back. Get the self esteem back
that he's stolen from you.
Most of all take care of you. Hope your dd gets better soon.

I think on Monday, after my HCG test I will actually contact my GP and see if I can process some of my childhood before I seek out means to leave, I’m not in a position mentally, but I need to do this for my kids.

There is a lot to unpick. My mum, we get along now but she was often very odd with me. Hyper critical. Never praised me, often pushed my feelings aside which is where the mentality of just getting on with it has come from. It has also caused me to be very closed off and secretive, no one knows my business, my relationships, my feelings - which seems to be a trend as I often gravitated towards friends who were self absorbed.

I have dealt with my dad’s bereavement, my grandads dementia care, my grandmas passing alone, both births were by myself. Aside from keeping quiet and just pushing through it I don’t really know how to be normal.

I don’t actually know what normal is. Because in my world it’s normal for your partner to tell you to shut the fuck up, to stay out drinking all night, to not contribute to household bills or rent, to do nothing for your birthday or Xmas.

Unpicking everything from my childhood, past and current friendships and relationships and I don’t actually think I know what love is, what it feels like to love and be loved. (Except my beautiful babies of course)

I'm so sorry for your baby loss. Its horrible to go through, and a hundred times worse when you have no support.

Your husband is an awful person. When you feel better, start working out how you can leave him. He brings nothing to your life, and you and the children will thrive without him.

I am sorry you are dealing with so much. Your partner is an abusive piece of shit. Reclaim your life by leaving or kicking him out. Your life does not have to be this way.

I’m glad you’re in a ducks in a row situation, it means you’re one step closer to a new life without your rotten apple.

I think the last sentence is what’s happened. I was more concerned with DD, now I know she’s fine I’m just like “WTF”

Thankfully we aren’t married so it would hopefully be just a simple done and dusted breakup.

Getting married would mean him showing an act of love for me, and buying me a ring. He sends his wretched man child brother £35 a week so buying a ring would affect that. I must be stupid for staying with this. 9 years, all of my 20’s absolutely wasted.

This man isn’t even a decent human being, let alone partner. Please, get rid of him.

If you don’t plan to leave immediately, please ensure there is zero prospect of a further pregnancy by this man.

If you know how to love your dcs and receive love from your dcs then you do know what love is.
Hold onto that wtf moment. It will help you when you're strong enough to leave. That neglectful cruel aspect of someone not giving a shit about their own child being unwell is one of the most disbicable characteristics a person can have in my view.

For the time being don't give the fucker any head space just concentrate on you and dcs wellbeing.

I’m looking into grey rocking.

This pregnancy was unplanned, I am on the pill. I know exactly when it was conceived too, the pharmacy closed early due to a leaking roof so I couldn’t get my prescription!

But no, I will not be going near him again. The thought of actually having sex with him is making me want to be sick.

It's not wasted years if you have dcs out of it.
Don't dwell on it. You can't change the past but you can change your future and you may not see it now but you're young enough to have a fresh start and a better life for you and dcs.

My wonderful kids are my only joy. I’m doing it for them. I can’t get my daughter out of my head, crying for her dad and I had to lie to her and say he was on his way over and over. I’m so fucking furious, at him and myself. How dare he do that, how dare I give them such a fucking horrible dad. Not one child, but both of them.

Actually it’s just fucking occurred to me that he was off yesterday, still didn’t come up to see her. We got discharged at lunch time, did he come to pick us up? No, I got a taxi.
He’s got meal preps in the fridge and I’m sleeping on the sofa tonight. Hope the midnight gremlins don’t go in the kitchen and spit a gobful in all his food. Stupid cunt.

Well done for reaching out here that's taken great courage. Sounds like this may be your first time sharing your experience. This is the first step and you've done it. I've experience myself. You're not alone. And it took me many times of trying to or wanting to before I managed after 12 years and 2 children. None of this is your fault!! The next step if you can is to think could you speak to someone on the phone..? Would you have any time on your own to do this...I understand its a big step . You might be able to do an online messaging chat if its too hard to phone. I understand its hard to even believe this constitutes domestic abuse but it does. I didn't believe when I was told that's what the behaviour i was experiencing was..
I think someone put the phone number on here. I'll check and put it on. I guess you're in England. Furthermore regarding advice to just leave please ignore this. It's never advisable to do anything until you've got support from professional services. I only know Scottish ones like women's aid and women and children 1st. You need advice and support.

Im so sorry you've experienced this awful behaviour and that it is nothing new to you. I send you big hugs . You're worthy of a good life and deserve happiness xx

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I hope you have some other people in your life who can support you right now.

Your DH left you miscarrying, while looking after a poorly child. He isn't any sort of partner to you. He should have told his brother to get a cab.

Leave if you can. You deserve better.

His brothers like a giant fucking baby. £1600 in rent arrears but smokes weed and runs a motorbike. He won’t tell him to get a cab cos his brother might give him the cold shoulder and we can’t have him upset. His family are all vile. If the second question on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was “when are your grandchildren’s birthdays” then my partners mum would be leaving with fuck all.

Refuge. If you go on their website theres really good help. And an instant click tab to clear the site if you needed to exit and clear the site instantly from your mobile.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I’m not the abuser. Send this trope to the wasteman dads who treat the mother of their children like shit. Not the mums who are manipulated every day doing everything they can to be there for their children.

He doesn't deserve to be given any more leeway. Leave or kick him out, one or the other, that will give you space to deal with your own thoughts and emotions. Seriously, just tell him to f"ck off.

That is a good idea. I don’t think I can get my head out of my backside with him in here. I might see if I can stay with my auntie for a few days with the children.

Please ignore victim blaming like that dovess post. Not even worthy of response.

I hope you find what helps and ignore the ignorant messages and people telling you to just leave. Not saying some aren't well meaning but its not safe advice. X (See refuge website)