To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

But you're receiving a lot of validation from people on here. If you're here a lot you already knew how the thread would go.

It's fascinating reading these threads and realizing the complete lack of empathy people have.

This family, despite wealth, sounds very dysfunctional.

The stepfather is being a hands on father to your kids, but you are cold as I've towards his (friendly enough but making it clear there is no love).

Step is irrelevant.

Half sibling is irrelevant

Stop working out percentages of love/ gifting.

You are parents, they are children

Fair enough, your bio kids get inheritance one day, that's normal. Their bio dad left it to them.

But gifts and time spent on activities, and taking ill children to the doctor, should be equal in this new family.

Surely?

She prioritised her dc, the dsc’s dp’s prioritised work!
Therefore the dsc can’t have been very sick can they.

It sounds like you want 2 separate families you and your dc, and dh and his - great idea especially with the financially difference. But instead you married, live together and have joint dc on the way! Your poor sc, the 2nd class kids. Sorry but you should have stayed as separate households.

dh should have thought of his dc and not married you

On the one hand I think it is normal that you will have a different depth of love for your biological children. I have that. Where I disagree with you is that you don't stay neutral in the parenting - that's just wrong. You can love however you want but when it comes to the practicalities of parenting, they must receive equal care and consideration. You are the grown up and that's part and parcel of your responsibilities.

@EscapeToSuffolk , the appointment should have been arranged so that ot was at a time when the step-child's mother or father could have taken.
From the description given, I'd guess that the parents are teachers and the OP self-employed.

If I and my XH are teachers, and his and my child had a doctor's appointment during term-time, should his DW take my DC to the appointment, if it meant she and their 2 DC missed out on a pre-arranged and paid for show?

She isn’t their parent, and doesn’t parent them. That they’re stepchildren is entirely relevant, as it’s a completely different relationship to the one she has with her children. She’s responsible only for her own children.

Presumably he didn’t leave OP assets to give his children ‘one day’, but also to provide for and support them throughout their lives.

Please tell me you would not really object to him spending some of his OWN money to try and reduce the obvious disparity. It’s absolutely fine to not have the same love for your SC or not spend your previous DH’s money on them but it’s not ok to prevent your DH spending his earned money on them. That I do think is mean spirited and if you weren’t prepared to treat them with kindness then you shouldn’t have married a man with kids. That’s on your DH as well though. I have to say I feel very sorry for your SC and find your attitude of that’s life quite tough tbh.

If that is your attitude, and it is obviously the OP's attitude, don't form a blended family and damage innocent children. If you want to form a new relationship, choose someone without DC and don't have more DC with them or stay single or marry once the DC have left home.

I have no interest in doing so. OP and others already did, and will continue to do so regardless of whether you approve or not. It was up to OP’s DH to not continue their relationship if he expected OP to act as a parent to his children and financially support them, but clearly he didn’t and doesn’t. That was his choice to make.

No but she also has no right to object to the DH giving extra to his kids either. Personally I think he was selfish for prioritising the op and her kids over his existing ones. I also don’t think it’s fair to say that just because they haven’t lost a parent they have no right to complain either. They still have to live with parents divorced and remarried which is still a difficult situation.

Really? She has lost her DH and her DC have lost their dad. And you describe that as privileged?

I can't imagine that anyone would rather have plenty of money and a private education than a loving husband or father.

The DH's DC have two living biological parents and a step parent. The new child will have two living biological parents. The OP's DC have one living parent and a step parent. The OP is quite right to try to make her own DC's lives a little more advantaged in view of their sad disadvantage.

But OP, what of the new child? Some on here seem to think that your DC should give up some of their father's gift for a child that has nothing to do with him, despite their own loss. Now that could lead to resentment.

So, if you all went on a skiing holiday together - you, DH, his kids, your kids and the new baby (when old enough) your twins and your shared child will get a private ski instructor and the step children will get group classes/no classes at all?

Whilst I think everything else - the private school/healthcare and enough savings for a comfortable future sound absolutely fine and reasonable, I think the obvious divide in things like holidays and presents sound a bit too much especially for this age when they are old enough to notice and feel the difference, but not old enough to not fully comprehend why the difference exist? I know its your money and they have two parents to share the cost, but are you really that against paying something for them when they are actually part of your family now? I don't mean using your late husband's money, but your own money (seeing as you've mentioned several times how well you've done carrying on his business) - and your twins are already set up for their future so won't affect "their share".

I think its normal that you won't love them as much, but I do find you feeling indifferent and willing to widen and highlight the obvious devide between these young kids very odd.

I'd also choose health over entertainment... clearly the kid was ill enough to be pulled out of school... but I don't know, I've never been a stepmother. I just think if I was ready to commit to a partner with kids (who you describe as nice, polite kids!!), I'd make more effort with them! I would also want my kids and his kids to get along - they kind of have to, seeing as they see and live with each other a lot!! - so little things like presents will definitely be even if I want to reign in any feelings of resentment... but that's me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think those people that say they love their step children the same as their own, don't have their own. I simply do not believe it's possible to love them in the same way.

If you should die, how would you expect your twins to be treated?

Yes, their inheritance from their father is theirs, and comes to them at the cost of not having a father. But surely they must already be noticing the difference in things like Christmas presents, and as they are probably decent kids, they will HATE it. No one wants to be the rich kids in a family. It will become more and more embarrassing and uncomfortable for them.
Why don't you and dh have a bank account that is the family pot, for all 5 children shared equally to cover not school fees, or future university funding, but day to day family living?
All this agonising about bits and pieces when you are clearly loaded is not dignified, nor a good example, not to anyone, including yourself.

Well, you're wrong about that. Perhaps you wouldn't be able to love your stepchildren as your own, but many people do.

Ok then <shrug>

You are as entitled to your opinion as I am.

He’s not seeing them often at all.

Whether or not someone else loves someone isn’t really for you to have an opinion on, surely?

It's your husbands legacy for your twins, not for extended families...your step children responsibility lies with their parents not you...what ever you spend on them out of love is your choice but you're not obliged to do so. You can love them and enjoy their company but Ofcourse you can't love them as much as your own blood....the step children should be told and when their older they should understand why your kids had more privileges over them as their father left them the money. So don't feel guilty OP sounds like you are a good step mum so continue with what you're doing...Good luck for the future hope everything works out with you and your partner and children 🙏❤️

What? Who said anything about being "entitled to your opinion"? Of course you can believe whatever you want. But this isn't an issue of belief. It's a matter of fact. If I say I love my stepchildren as much as I love my biological children, are you saying I'm lying?

Yes, it’d much better if one to their parents had died and so they were in a similar place to their step siblings.

Financial disparity is a side effect of blended families, and I think most adults will understand that, even if they don’t as children.

Even my full sister has had much better opportunities as a child as we were on benefits when I was young, but when she was young my dad had built a successful business. In fact they still pay her living costs now when I’ve had very little money from them for ten years. But I get finances were different and now our needs are different, so it’s fine.

Your step children have their own mother, and they do have their father.
I suspect there will be grandparents on both of their parents' side.
Who knows what they may inherit one day ?!

It is not your responsibility to provide for your step children - they have two parents to do that but your husband must remember he will have a child with you too...

I might not say it to your face, but yes, I think you're lying.

I think if you and your husband split up, and there was a custody battle, I don't think you would be having the same conversations about your step children as your own children, as an example.

And ok, if you don't like the word "opinion", then just take it as read that I can believe what I want, and as an anonymous person on the internet you can either engage and try and prove your point, or just ignore it.

I can have an opinion on whatever I like what a strange thing to say.

And I think if you re-read, what I said was I simply do not believe it's possible to love them in the same way. Which isn't quite the same, is it?