To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

There is no way on God’s green earth that I could ever love anyone more than my own biological children. You care about your step children, and hopefully love them in the way you might love other family members, but of course you can’t love them the way you love your own.

With regards to their inheritance, I think that’s fair enough. Your step children have 2 parents who may be able to help them financially; it’s not your job.

Well at least you have the sense to not inflict your attitude on innocent children. It is a shame that the OP has not made the same decision. No wonder so many children are messed up when so many adults put no thought towards their feelings at all. I agree that the DH is also to blame here.

Jesus Christ. You know better than I do how I feel? You should make money with that talent of yours. I have no plans to divorce, but your Mystic Meg attempt to see into the future is ridiculous. You seem to have a very narrow view of family and love.

How do you think I can "prove my point" about the love I feel for someone? You've already called me a liar. I feel sorry for you, but I certainly won't engage any more with your insulting posts.

Your twins inherit their fathers wealth if that is what he wanted - I do not think anyone would disagree with that.

No one expects you to love oyur step children like your own - that is just fantasy.

However, you come across as very hard and cold. You have created the division by doing private school, better activities etc ( which is your right) whilst the SDC have been in your life and you have been a blended family. You are the one creating and pushing this division.

You do not mention if the SDC notice the difference. they are getting to an age where they may need an explanation if they do start asking. You do not mention if your DH has a view on this.

You seem determined to make sure your children are top dog, do not have a relationship with their step siblings and they consider them inferior because they go to state schools and have less monies.
You do not have a blended family.

AS the business is now yours and you run it - you also have choices on how you spend the monies. You seem to enjoy being in a better finincial position than your DH and rubbing his and his DCS noses in it.

Relax and treat your SDCs as you would like and probably see your DH treat your twins.
Your whole post is actually very sad

Asking the dad to give a little extra to HIS own children is not expecting a third parent to pay. And stop bringing the two parents versus one into it. That does not mean it’s ok to treat kids differently.

Hi faceless person on the internet @WeHaveTheRabbit

I don't think you can prove anything to me, for all I know you're a 63 year old man who never had children anyway.

You feel sorry for me? Ok <shrug>

Just so you know, I don't think anyone "plans to divorce" but I do think the fact that I typed that has riled you so much but you haven't actually told me what you would do speaks volumes.

Anyway, have a nice evening.

What was the illness? Was it something that could wait without the child suffering or getting worse?

.

YABU
not to feel differently about your bio and step children, but to go out of your way to make these feelings so clear to all the children and use your financial situation to do so. The inheritance and money for properties aside, differentiating on gifts and everyday activities is just cruel.

I grew up in a step family. They can and do work- but only when the adults work hard to not deepen the seams in the family in the way you are all doing. We were always made to feel as though we were one family and equally important. My mum (the shared parent) died pretty young and my dad continued to act as dad and now granddad to my step siblings. He saw them as part of her, rather than some kind of inconvenience. I’m sure he felt differently about them and the bio kids, but was at pains not to let that determine how we were all treated. The more of these threads I read the more I realise I should never have taken that attitude for granted, but it definitely is possible.

@wannabewitch perfectly said. Agree with everything, this post is terribly sad.

@annasdltn Tbh I think you come across as a lovely step-mum. There is no obligation for you to feel exactly the same way towards your step kids as your bio kids. Also, the financials are always going to be different when the kids come from different parents so I don’t see any issues there either, particularly given your twins were left money by their late father which needs to be honoured.

The one and only thing I maybe wonder about is that you stated you prioritise the twins relationship with their new sibling more than with the step kids. At the end of the day, your new baby is equally related to both and as such a good bond between them all is important. But tbh it doesn’t sound as if you’d do anything to hinder that, and the new sibling may organically have a closer relationship with the twins due to living full-time with them. However, as your shared child becomes an adult it would be nice for them to have a good relationship with all siblings so maybe just something to remain conscious of?

I echo a pp - this thread is a sad read. It sounds as though OP is resentful of the SC (who have both parents living) - being miserly at Christmas and with finances in general is how this manifests. I can see how this behaviour could lead to the SC feeling like second-class family members.

You are stating that (in your opinion) no one can love their stepchildren as their own. I’d say it’s quite strange to form an opinion on something that cannot possibly be experience or evidence based, because you haven’t experienced or witnessed the relationship of every stepparent and child that exists. Even if you had, you still couldn’t really quantify their love or if it’s the same because love isn’t quantifiable in any real way. So what is your opinion based on?

I have no issue at all with someone holding the opinion that they couldn’t love a step child as their own, that’s a deeply personal issue. To apply that opinion to everyone else is fairly odd, there are circa 8 billion of us and many of us will feel and behave differently to you.

What a truly horrible thing to say. OP’s first DH, and her children’s dad, has died.

Very well said.

Totally agree, it’s a very sad post and the OP seems to be actively trying to set her children up in competition to their step-siblings.

That's a straw man argument. It has nothing at all to do with what the other poster said.
Of course, it is terrible that her first DH died young, leaving two young children. That has nothing to do with her current unpleasant and damaging behaviour towards her step children. Being a widow at a young age is tragic but doesn't turn someone ungenerous in spirit into a kind and giving person.

You sound horrible. Truly horrible.

I can understand not loving your SC the same as your own, but to single them out is nasty. This situation has happened in my family, so far that the SC was entirely ignored by his SF and the SF never even acknowledge the SC, wouldn't even say hello to him. If they were to pass on the street, SC would be blanked.

You sound exactly like this step parent.

This is such a stupid assertion.

Obviously you can have an opinion on your own SC but you can’t possibly know other peoples opinion of theirs.

You don’t get to decide whether someone is lying about her feelings. There is nothing wrong with not loving them the same but some people do. Otherwise how could anyone love adopted or foster children.

I think you are posting on the wrong thread! Either that or you didn't read this one properly.

She is singling out her SC.

@OneZippyPlumBalonz ,she isn't. You are making things up.

Regardless of anyone’s opinion on the OP’s attitude to her SCs, calling her and her twins privileged is pretty low, given the reason they have the money.

I don’t love SD as my own but no way on Christmas morning would I have her wake up to fewer/less generous presents than my children! Nor would/do I begrudge paying for her to join in on family occasions like holidays and fancy meals out. Yes I might draw the line at school fees/leaving her equal share of my estate - but the day to day she should not fee lesser: she already doesn’t have her dad much of the time.