To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

I agree

I perfectly understand you not loving your DSC...I understand that you love yours more. I grew up with two step siblings when my mother remarried after my father died. They then also went on to have a joint son.
My sister, my step brother and I all went to private school....my step siblings did not.
We never became close, the disparity in our circumstances was too much. They pulled away from their father, my step father, as they felt that we benefited much more than they did, and resented it.
I know he was upset by the loss of closeness to them but there was nothing he could do by then.
I haven't seen my step siblings in years, which is a shame as we could have all had a good relationship.

I don't blame you but I feel you are rather callous to your DSC, financially and with your time. No one is asking you to be their mother, they have one, but perhaps you shouldn't have married their father and rubbed it in their faces how much better off your children are.

I agree with you @Butchyrestingface. She sounds generally unpleasant towards the poor step children. I may be over reacting objectively perhaps because a lack of generosity of spirit and wrt £££ is a quality that I personally find deeply unattractive. We aren't talking about a small disparity here or a sum of money that would make any difference at all to @annasdltn's own DC.

I do say that I feel sorry for the stepkids, even though they have two parents. OP almost seems to resent them, although she claims not to. I don't understand why people bother with having stepkids if they don't want to treat them as family. I would never have stepkids, I dated a man with kids once and it was a disaster because he (rightly) put their needs before mine and I (as was my right) didn't want a relationship where I didn't come first. I am different from a lot of people in these situations in that I don't even have or want my own kids, so I'm not coming at this from the 'momma bear' (ugh,how I LOATHE that term) perspective, but I don't get how little thought people seemingly put into blending families.

It's fine...I've known DSD since she was 2 and she has spent months of her life in our home and in my care. However, she already has a mother, I don't take on that role. She won't inherit from my parents, but I will and eventually my daughter. Her life has so far been quite different to my daughter's life, but there's a 9 year age gap and one grew up in London and the other in a small town in the North East.

Although I wrote above that the financial side seems fine to me, I meant the inheritance from your late husband's estate eventually going to the children from your first marriage seems perfectly reasonable. But to have children in the same household receiving markedly different Christmas presents and the like is rather awful and mean-spirited. Although the stepchildren spend more time with their mother than their father, your house is their home too. Do you make certain that they feel at home and welcome?

What a mess.
I’m all for second relationships but to blend like this above was a recipe for disaster even before you decided to have a joint child together.
Why not just have a relationship and marry after kids have grown up.
Just sad for the kids who don’t get a say in their future.

I agree. It's cruel. It all feels a bit like Jane Eyre/Mansfield Park with the rich, spoiled children and the poor relations being made to suffer.

When his children are at your house, do they get their dad's undivided attention or are your children always there too?

You have mentioned that your DH has a much closer relationship with your children than you do with his and that he does a lot of 'firsts' with your children, like teaching them to ride a bike.

If his own children always have to share their dad with your kids but you never let them benefit from your wealth in any way, they are definitely at a disadvantage compared to your children and their are obvious inequalities in terms of time, attention and money.

I'm now imagining stepkids sitting with a bag of Haribo to share between them at Christmas whilst OP's twins and the new arrival will be opening laptops, flatscreen TVs and tickets for a trip to Disneyland.

Sad set up.

You definitely shouldn't have had a DC with him. Making an already tough situation more difficult. That way he could have offset the disparity at least partially financially.

The more you post the more problematic you sound.

I think you sound really cold actually. And almost gleeful that your children are more privileged than your SC.
Geez

@2024onwardsandup , OP's children were booked to go to a show in their school holidays.
The appointment was not an emergency, and the child in question is not the OP's child and has 2 parents who are alive.

What she did isn't shitty behaviour.

as The parent of adopted children no I don’t. They are my children, I am their mother. It’s not the same.

Well unless the Sc expressly said they were not keen about the show I would not have booked for the show visit while the SC was in school: I think that’s really off and is a day to day experience that they all should have been included in.

If they will inherit more and are also getting that sort of differentiation within the family I foresee trouble down the line.

This is really simple in my head. I think because if I died my kids would be in a similar position financially.
Your kids, very sadly, dont have their dad and never will again. What they do have is financial security which is the best he could leave them.
Your husbands kids have both their parents and will benefit from that.
No your children should not share their inheritance with them but I don't think the shared child should either.
If you want to pour money into giving your shared child a similar lifestyle then great but they shouldn't benefit from what was left by your twins dad. He did that for his children. Not future children of yours.

@whosaidtha, As a mother, should I expect my XH's DW to level up his and my children's Christmas presents?

I agree!

OP sounds like she barely tolerates them - not helping over your own kids unless it is a case of life and death is odd

The issue is that you’re not spending the money from your late husband on the step kids because he had nothing to do with these children. But you’re going to use said money on your new baby that he has also nothing to do with??!

You can’t be doing that, and I think it’s horrible that people like you get with someone with kids but don’t love them the same way as you would your ‘real’ children. But also their dad is horrible for allowing it. My mum got with my ‘step’ dad when I was two years old. He treated me like his own child, even when his biological children came along I was still loved just as much as they were. That’s a step parent, not whatever you are

It sounds to me like all the adults are mostly managing the situation well. The only thing that sounds a bit wrong is if there’s a big and obvious difference in the types of things the kids get for birthday presents, just because they are all so close in age. If they were a few years apart they wouldn’t be interested in the same things at the same time so it wouldn’t be so obvious, but I think if your twins are getting stuff for presents that the step kids would also love but are not getting, that’s a bit mean.

You do you op. But do it in the full knowledge that those kids will notice and it will have an effect on their relationships with you, their half and step siblings and their father.

The step parents saying they love step children as their own are lying

Yep. And whether or not you expect the children to treat one another as siblings because resentment grows and festers very easily in these situations.

You should really harness that sort of psychic ability into a money making scheme. Being able to read right into the hearts and minds of all stepparents everywhere is quite a talent.

It's fine to put your children first but you're taking it too far. You should have take SC to the doctors - which you already know.

It sounds as if giving your SC money (a smaller amount) wouldn't really affect your DC because they're already getting a substantial amount. That smaller amount could make a huge difference to your SC though. You will also potentially be creating a rift between your youngest DC and their half siblings. You may not be biologically related to your SC but your DC is.

I'm not criticising as such because I'm guilty of putting my children before everyone else and I actually don't think it's always a nice thing to do. It doesn't foster good relationships with other family members.