Thanks so much for all the replies – honestly didn’t expect quite so many! I’ve read through them all, and while I might not reply to everyone, I just wanted to touch on a few things that came up a lot. If I’ve missed something big, just let me know and I’ll come back to it.
First – the Christmas presents thing.
So, to explain it a bit better: each child gets a present from their parent. For the twins, that’s me. For my stepkids, that’s one from their mum and one from their dad. Then there’s a small present from the stepparent – so DH gives the twins a little something, and I give something to his kids too. It’s never anything massive – just a token gift, like a Barbie or a small Lego set or whatever they’re into at the time. Probably the equivalent of what an aunt or grownup sibling would give.
The “main” present comes from the parent – usually something the child’s been asking for or something a bit more expensive. We’ve always done it this way and it works for us.
Second – is it fair?
No. But life isn’t fair. It’s not fair that my twins lost their dad when they were tiny. It’s not fair that I’ve had to handle every hard question and every emotional bit of that on my own. Its not fair than one of my SC is always selected for school teams and the other hardly ever has been. It’s also not fair that some families are better off than others, or that some kids grow up with more or less. But that’s just life, really.
My kids do have more financial security, yes. But they’ve also experienced loss in a way DH’s kids haven’t. And DH will need to have those chats with his children about money and the differences between households – just like I’ve had to talk to mine about grief and their dad, or like other parents have to talk about poor health or fleeing to a different country due to war at home. That’s part of being a parent. We each deal with what we’ve been given.
Third – the parenting roles.
DH is more involved with the twins just because they live here full-time, he spends more time with them and often he joins in because he wants to. His kids are mainly with their mum, so our role with them day-to-day is pretty light. We both take on more of a “fun adult” role with each other’s kids – not full-on parenting.
The twins wouldn’t go to him if they needed something sorted. They come to me. I do the school admin, dentist appointments, shopping for new shoes, dealing with meltdowns, homework, all of it. And that’s fine – I’m their mum. I don’t expect DH to do any of that, unless very specific occasions when he might volunteer to help with homework if it’s something he’s interested in or feels he’s good at, but it’s very rare and it’s always come from him because he’s wanted to. Just like his kids wouldn’t come to me if something needed doing – they’d go to their mum or him. We’ll never tell each other’s children what they are or aren’t allowed to do (except very obvious safety things like hold my hand and don’t run into the road), we’d never discipline them…
That’s not to say there aren’t nice little moments. I’ve done my stepdaughter’s nails and hair when she’s wanted that – just something we’ve bonded over a bit, especially because her mum’s not really into that kind of thing. And DH helped teach the twins to ride their bikes – we started together and he ended up taking the lead. So there are definitely connections there, but it’s not the same as being the main parent. And it’s “fun” things rather than laborious or difficult tasks. Again, think the kind of thing an aunt would do or what you’d agree to help your best friend’s kids with - it’s more likely to be riding bikes and doing manicures than speaking to their teacher about misbehaviour or explaining where babies come from.
And to be totally honest – if their actual dad was still alive and only did what DH does now, he would be classified as a terrible dad by most people. Showing up for the fun stuff but taking a backseat when there’s friendship issues, need to schedule or attend dentist appointments etc, never helping out with a difficult conversation or discipline. But DH isn’t their dad, he’s their stepdad, and the role is different. I’m not expecting more than that. I do feel that if I took on a more parenting role with the stepchildren, their mum might feel uncomfortable in that I’m trying to be a second mum?
Fourth – what about the baby?
A few people asked about how things will work with the baby I’m expecting. So just to be clear: yes, this child will go to private school, and yes, I’ll be using my own savings to support them.
I’ve continued running the business my late husband and I started, and it’s still doing really well. It was already successful when he passed away, and it’s carried on because I’ve kept it going. A lot of the credit goes to him, of course – he had the idea, and we built it together – but I’ve done the day-to-day work whilst he’s been alive along with him, I’ve kept it running since then for 6+ years and kept it strong. So yes, I do have significant savings, and I’ll be using them for this baby.
This child is mine so they’re my responsibility because I actively participated in bringing this child into the world. I don’t feel the same obligation to my stepkids – they already have two parents who are there for them, emotionally and financially.