To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

She doesn’t need to change her position because posters on mumsnet think she should.

His children are being provided for by their parents. OP’s twins are being provided for by their parent. Their joint child will also be being provided for by their parents. That is ‘fair’. That OP can provide more for her children does not mean she has to also take on financial responsibility for her stepchildren ‘because she can afford it’. They are not her children, and she is not responsible for them. Thankfully her husband recognizes that.

'Ultimately it's the OPs husband fault for the inequality his children will experience in the marriage, because he has opted to bring them into this relationship'

Yes once the 'private this/ private that/property portfolios/my dc will want for nothing' plans were brought up he should've run a mile. We can only imagine how fucked up those step dc are going to be growing up with their df being complicit in all the materialistic weirdness.

Presumably because she loves him, and they’re on the same page regarding how their blended family operates. If he was expecting her to take on a parental role for his children and combine all finances then it would have been unwise for her to marry him, but he didn’t and doesn’t.

Stepparent is not a legal relationship that endows her with parental responsibility for her stepchildren, or responsibility at all. So no, she doesn’t have to accept being a parent to them, whether you like it or not.

Blended families are not nuclear ones, and they aren’t required to operate as if they are. That you have chosen an ‘all in’ approach does not mean that anyone else has to.

'Blended families are not nuclear ones, and they aren’t required to operate as if they are. That you have chosen an ‘all in’ approach does not mean that anyone else has to.'

No one has to do anything, correct. What the op's dh should have done before getting committed is realise the damage that this may have on his own dc. He will be complicit in massive material unfairness, even forgetting 'the twins' his new baby will be in the same spoilt, privileged position.

As I said, he should have run a mile before getting embroiled in the whole dysfunctional set up. We can only hope the step kid's mother has a a rational head on her shoulders and protects them from all the financial inequality as much as possible.

I agree completely with your last sentence and I emphasised that point in my own post. In addition, I wasn't addressing the issues of legality or parental responsibility. Creating a blended family means more than simply moving in together. The family unit has changed, the relationships have shifted. And the children should always be considered first and foremost. Is this situation best for them? IMO as the OP has described her setup, the SC could be damaged emotionally due to the OP's attitude and treatment of them, and her own children could also be damaged. It also sounds as though her husband isn't advocating for his DC enough.

Obviously she doesn't need to change her position because poster on MN think she should. That's a pointless thing to say. Sure, she won't be the only person who has started a thread on AIBU or perhaps on Relationships and completely fails to take on board any of the often wise, well thought through posts, some of which the poster's personal experience of similar situations.

We aren't talking about a trivial AIBU here such as whether someone should buy a new handbag. We are talking about the lives of 5 children. We are talking about a deliberate choice to have children with someone who already has children and to treat the two sets in the same household totally differently. Not only that, they are then choosing to add a fifth child to the mix, adding further complications and problems. This goes way beyond legal obligations, which is a very strange, black and white way to think of relationships. It is about two adults deliberately deciding to get into a situation where they will cause damage to innocent children because of their behaviour. I'm sure they will try to justify it in 20 years and say it wasn't their fault as they still won't have developed any insight.

Sadly, he hasn't run a mile and, has also decided to another child into the mix.

I think we all understood how the Christmas presents work, OP. You didn’t need to explain the process to us. The thoughts of those of us who disagreed with your approach to this is that it’s not fair. There are children in the household opening what are clearly very expensive and decadent presents (yours). There are others opening presents which are less so (the SC). That isn’t fair. You are absolutely entitled to buy your kids whatever you want, but you shouldn’t have become a blended family with step siblings who have to watch as they themselves receive less.

'It is about two adults deliberately deciding to get into a situation where they will cause damage to innocent children because of their behaviour.'

Yes fast forward 10yrs ''my step dc never visit and don't ever contact their dad, he is so hurt we've done nothing but be welcoming to them if treat them completely different to their step siblings we don't deserve this waaah!'.

Stepchildren can never invoke the same unconditional love you have for a birth child.

But, they all should be treated well.

Not really. Ime that’s exactly what some posters seem to think, “I’ve told you you’re wrong, so why aren’t you changing?”

Her family dynamic isn’t a problem for her or her husband. We don’t know that her stepchildren take issue with it either, or that they expect or even want her to take on a parental role for them. For all former stepchildren on MN that decry having a stepmother that wasn’t motherly, there are also those that have said it was/would have been the last thing they would have expected and/or wanted.

The legal obligations aren’t irrelevant here because they provide the basic framework within which people can make up their own minds as to what certain titles mean to them, according to their own values and relationship dynamics. There is no one way to operate a blended family, and they don’t have to conform to your preferences any more than that someone else’s stepfamily needs to conform to OP’s.

I have only read OPs posts, not the full thread. No, OP, you're under no obligation to even things out. Honestly though, it may be in your interest to do so, at least to an extent. Unhappy teens who feel they are second class citizens may have a disasterous affect on the smooth running of family life, the happiness of their parent and the success of a new marriage. It's not about loving them as nuch as your kids but about wanting your new family to succeed.

And that is 100% the issue with blended families.

Two adults fall in love. Throw children together. In far more complicated and complex than nuclear families situations then say "it isnt my responsibility". I find it fascinating that in nuclear relationships people are so quick to say. "You should never stay together for the kids" it will damage them in the long term. Yet in a blended family it's the opposite its perfectly acceptable to stay together irrelevant of the harm it could cause the kids.

Blended families aren't nuclear ones correct. And they dont have to operate as such.

They should however overall aim for them to be either neutral impacting to children's over all wellbeing or enhancing.

If the decisions those two adults who fell in love, are making to sustain that relationship are negatively impacting to any of the children involved then they shouldn't be together. And if they choose to stay together allowing those issues to remain they arent being good parents to the kids involved.

Exactly, the step children are her babies siblings.

Because it isn’t their responsibility. It really is a simple as that for many, even if it’s you something you may personally consider complicated. Case in point is OP’s family, where their roles and responsibilities are agreed upon and clearly defined.

We have no idea whether OP’s stepchildren have any expectations of her taking on a parental role
for them, or treating them as she does her own children.

@Simonjt ,they will be the baby's half-siblings.

OP came here asking for thoughts about the dynamic, which suggests she perhaps has some reservations. I agree she doesn’t have to change her position based on posters’ replies here, but people aren’t unreasonable to reply with their thoughts since that’s what OP asked for.

OP, do you consider your step children to be part of your extended family? I can't quite understand the thinking - "it's my money/time and I'm only spending on my biological children not my husband's children because they have 2 parents to spend money/time on them". They're your child's siblings, surely that means something.

You seem to be entirely missing the point repeatedly.

Her own family dynamic is very much a problem for her and her husband because their behaviour is inevitably going to cause problems for their family in coming years.
The comment about a step mother who isn't motherly is again either massive minimising or completely missing the point.
My mention of legal obligations was in response to your comment where you mentioned legal obligations! I said that it was a strange way to look at things. Check your own post.

'There is no one way to operate a blended family, and they don’t have to conform to your preferences any more than that someone else’s stepfamily needs to conform to OP’s'
This again is a total straw man argument and, again, entirely misses the point. Here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man

I think it depends on how often you see the step kids (if you’ve mentioned it I didn’t see), you aren’t going to bond as closely with kids that you see every other weekend as you would if you’re a resident parent. You just aren’t.

Sometimes, it all just seems like an excuse for the adults involved to do exactly as they please, with no thought for the children who are dragged along with them.

The very same people, who put their wishes well ahead of their children's wishes, will then express amazement when the now adult children are no longer interested in them and tell everyone how they did so much for them and how ungrateful they are.

As long as you've been transparent about how you feel with your DH I don't see the issue. Plenty of people underestimate the effects of losing a parent prematurely can have, particularly if money/inheritance is involved. They assume having £xxx will compensate for not having a parent around.

It’s money, in one breath we are gone. I don’t think your kids need all the money - you need to spread it round if you can.

I’m saying this as someone with no step children and no personal experience, but I think it’s perfectly normal not to love step children in the same way you do your own. You carried your children, you birthed them, you have a bond based on your caring for them for seven years. It’s biological, hard wired. You care for your step children and have warm feelings for them, but it isn’t going to be quite the same love. They have a mother for that, and a father.
You also don’t need to feel any kind of guilt or obligation as regards the money left for your biological kids. All you can do is be open and honest with all the kids. They won’t get the same materially, but they will get what your OH is responsible for providing for them. If questions are asked you can tell them that the twins have different things because their dad died and left it to them.
The potential difficulty will be when you and OH have your joint child. I assume they will benefit to some extent, even although the inheritance was left to the twins, because of the properties you manage etc? I think you and OH will need to think carefully about whether your joint child should go to private school etc and how you make sure the stepchildren don’t feel they are treated differently from their half siblings.
But as to your question. No, Yanbu to love your biological children differently.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for the OP to expect that her DC will have more of a relationship with the baby than the SC will. The baby and her DC will live together all the time, the SC are only there part of the weekend and part of the holidays, when pressures of routines and time and homework, etc are reduced and relationships will develop differently.

The OP's DC and her SC are not related and don't live together full time. They may develop into good friends, equally they may not. The former is more likely if the parents help them to accept that the OP's DC and the SC have different situations, with some things 'better' and some 'worse', and different lives, and discourage resentments from developing.