To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

But she can't equalise it because her stepkids have 2 parents to love and care for them whereas her twins will only ever have one

Well, also their stepdad - who by OP's own explanation seems pretty caring and involved in the twins' lives!

That's literally my whole point. What's the point of "blended families", if you're not actually going to blend your family, but instead be super exacting about who gets how much care, attention, and resources?

I think this is just a values thing tbh, but in my opinion, if you do choose to blend families, there's an unspoken moral contract to actually create a family - not just coexist under one roof with careful divisions and tally sheets.

Me.I know what I have gotten wrong as a parent overall.

Because I have self awareness, I ve done therapy to deal my own shit. I have sat in therapy with my own child to listen to how she felt growing up in both homes.

What's the point of lying to yourself? I have other kids, only parents that dont actually truely care about their children's emotional development and what type of adult experience they are going to have as a result of their childhood wouldn't be honest about it.

Do I think I know exactly how they feel about every single moment of their childhood no. I do however know they feel overall about their experiences going between homes, how we and their other parents have treated them. The bonds they with all the siblings be it step or half. I know what type of relationship they have with each of us.

We arent a sweep it under the rug type of family..

Listen think what you want. I dont have to convince you of the relationship I have with any of my kids or SKs.

They keep turning up happy to be with us, involving us in their life the choices they make, the plans they have. They still ask our advice and opinions and still come to us if they need help.

I wonder if the OP & her husband will have the same experience with all 5 children in their blended family in 15 years time.

I’m sorry, you went to a show instead of taking children to the doctors ?! it doesn’t matter if their not related, health comes first and drs appts are gold dust, you should t be wasting them

You put your kids enjoyment over one of your stepchildren's health. That is awful and I wouldn't have done it. It isn't just about love but basic empathy and you don't have it.

My experience is that, both as a stepchild and as a step parents, you don't care about the step-relly as much as the bio-one.

It's not an exact science. Noone sits there doling out precisely the right amount of love to other people. Parent/child love is love at it's most visceral level. When i gained an 18 year old stepdaughter about to go to uni, there was no way that I would love her as much as I loved the tiny baby that grew inside me, spent 24/7 with me, fed from me and knew me utterly as the beginning and end of his world. She had her own mum who had that fierce protective love. There are many ways to love. Families come in different shapes.

To be brutally honest, the fact that a broken relationship might see you lose that step-parent or step-child also mitigates against ever developing that absolute interdependence.

Well I suspect like you they may end up in therapy with all the kids, who knows. You’ve talked a lot about understand the kids feelings but you haven’t said if they were happy growing up? Which I take it, since you haven’t mentioned that, and due to therapy they weren’t. It’s really great you have self awareness now and have a good relationship with all the kids. But some stepkids don’t want a relationship with their stepparent and vice versa. Especially say if the step parent was involved in an affair. Some blended families work and some don’t. I definitely wouldn’t be judging op because I’ve had some therapy and now the kids are older they are more accepting. Just seems quite self righteous and smug.

Time and again when you scratch the surface of these blended family relationships it’s been a case of the adults putting their needs and desires ahead of the children.

Op you can love your children differently but treat them equally. If you didn’t want to compromise your children’s lifestyle, you shouldn’t have hitched your wagon to a family in different circumstances.

I understand the inheritance from their father going to them and them alone; it wouldn’t be fair on him to split it with the sc who aren’t his. But that does leave a big question mark over the logic of your shared Dc partaking of it.

I totally get why you want your Dc to have the best. I’m the same. But it’s why I wouldn’t form a new family where that wasn’t equitable on a day to day basis.

As pp said I think is why I would never want a blended family. It's likely to turn into a shit show.

Personally if I had enough money for 3 to attend private schools, no uni costs, a house I would at least try & help sc with a house deposit.

I think this is just a values thing tbh, but in my opinion, if you do choose to blend families, there's an unspoken moral contract to actually create a family - not just coexist under one roof with careful divisions and tally sheets.

Agree, it's not actually a family.

Yes. It’s a relationship between the op and her DH with Dc as collateral.

Presumably your dh facilitates you running your first husband's business? I.e., affords you time to do that? So to channel the money from that directly to your twins and in the future to the step-children's new sibling, but bypassing your step-children seems a little unfair.

You must remember that your step-children will be biologically related to your new child, just as your twins will be. At that stage, you cannot create a nuclear family of just you, dh, and your own children, because the step-children are also going to be part of your new child's biological family and deserve to have a relationship with all their siblings, not just your twins.

If you are that rich this shouldn’t even be an issue. I’m wealthy and most of the wealthy people I know fully support their stepchildren’s education. They don’t always include them in inheritances but the fact is that your ex- husband’s business is now yours so any current income is also yours. Not his. Which you know because you’re using it to fund a child not related to your ex. You absolutely could spend some of that money to equalise things with the stepkids and the baby you’re expecting - you just don’t want to.

If I were in your husband’s position I’d probably stop contributing time / resources in your kids & maybe even speak to a socilitor to see how much I’d be entitled to from the business you’re running.

We can't always choose our feelings but we can choose our actions. In our blended house, there is a difference in finances but all children have the same budget for Christmas. You don't sound like you are always very kind to your SC.

That doesn’t reflect the wealthy circles I’m familiar with, personally or professionally. Some do, but ime it’s not the norm. She’s financially providing for the children she is responsible for, not the ones that that isn’t. ‘Not wanting to’ is all the reason she needs.

It doesn’t follow that her business is now equally that of her husband, or that it would be considered a marital asset at all. I don’t doubt that OP has put measures in place to protect herself financially in the event of a divorce.

Hypothetically if your DH won the lottery would you expect him to use that money in any way to benefit your dc?

A great parent or merely a rich one?

If they’re a family unit then why not?
OP’s late husband wasn’t family in any way to OP’s stepchildren so why would he leave money to them? It’s not comparable.

I don’t think people necessarily feel the same love for step children as biological children but it is still possible to love them very much. I also don’t think you need feel guilt about the different financial arrangements. Yes you children will be very comfortable financially but the counter to that is their Dad died when they were very young which is really tough. Similarly your husband likely parents your children more than you do the step children because their Dad isn’t around at all and so he has expanded to fill the gap.

Personally, I think you should at least offer to pay to se d them to private school. Even if that reduces the amount your own kids have long te. With education they will have the same chances. I'd be really sad if my new step sister was born with a massive advantage: You don't need to feel the same for step kids but as a family you should be giving all your kids a decent start. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If your husband had lots of wealth and did not want to spend any of the family money on your kids?

What?

I agree. Is think the husband actually needs to address the situation better. There's no way the step kids should be waking up on Xmas morning to visibly smaller gifts than her kids. That is just awful. He should have not blended this family. He should have said at the outset that he doesn't want his own kids to feel 'less than'. He certainly should have not agreed to another child.

The whole point of a marriage is the join together. It's not about the Inheritance. That's her kids. But all every day income now should be split. I would be gutted if my husband withheld his earnings from our family to prioritise his kids only.

This ^ there's a huge difference to generational wealth/family support vs Christmas plans

I think you (OP) are quite disgusting for trying to effectively set your step children up to "know" there not as wealthy & prioritised as your own kids while also trying to create a typical 2 parent & happy home for your kids

I will say though. I don't think this will be a major issue in the future though because A) your children will rise above you & want to be apart of there step siblings lives just because it's more interesting then 15+ years of intense schooling & living alone when they effectively buy there own homes young or B) your step kids will have long cut ties with you all & you'll be "that side" of the family who had it all but no happiness (widowhood, extra expenses, thin parenting due to your husband/there dad having to fill the mental gap of being a step parent, your own child who's only half in-half out as there dead-would-have-been-father isn't around to help them) it quite frankly sounds emotionally fragile regardless of how you cope day to day.