To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

I think it’s unfair to say the OP’s children are leaning on him as a father figure though. As I said, if OP never met him I bet they would be fine without him. Ok he taught them how to ride a bike and did other things, but none of that is confirmation that they’re leaning on him as a father. He’s just being… helpful? But maybe they wanted their mum to teach them how to ride a bike?

I couldn’t really care less if my stepchildren were hurt that their half sibling had money to afford them private school and a house in future. Might sound harsh but it wouldn’t change my plans for the money. Children should be taught at a young age life isn’t fair, hence the twins dad dying when they were babies. The soon to be child had money set a side due to the Op still running the business. Why shouldn’t they benefit from it?

As an adoptive mother, I disagree.

I know I was agreeing with you. Just echoing your point.

And further example of why blended families are often so toxic and unhealthy for kids.

And usually at the father's children's expense.

Lets be honest OPS SH is the twins father they know no different.

Her SDCs get less time with their Dad, when they are with their Dad they will be with 2 children who call their Dad , Dad - get more privilege and live with him.

The lsoers in this are the SDCs, they lost their Dad and now when they go to seehim, they get to hsae him with 3 other DCS, see him go on flash holidays and provide presents at Xmas which will undoubtedly say love Mum and Dad 9 their Dad)
Children ae not stupid, they have lost their Dad and the OP wants to lord it ove them, rub their noses in it and generally act superior. They had parents but right now it sounds like they ahve a Mum and a third of a Dad.

This whole thread is so sad.

Apologies phone typing is always bad.!

I started off agreeing with you but as you go on there's a coldness I'm struggling with. You don't have to love your SC the same, but you committed to creating this family and that means committing to making it work for everyone in it.

Your twins are and will be richer than their step-siblings, yes, but you are responsible for thoughtfully navigating this as best you can. Like making things seem reasonably equitable at Christmas, for example. I'm quite shocked at your careless, callous tone in managing this situation. It is not your job to love all the kids equally, it IS your job to create a happy family where all the kids can have warm relationships with each other after you have gone, as much as you reasonably can.

And yes life is unfair but do we subject children to that life lesson when it is in our power to plug the gaps? There is a whole lifetime ahead of unfairness. Should we not give our kids (bio or non bio) everything in our gift so that they travel light (without baggage) but full (of love).

All else aside, OP's children sound very, very spoilt. Even if I had that kind of money, I don't think it is necessarily good for building character for a child to get EVERYTHING they want. Or for THEM.to see the differentiation between themselves and their step siblings and even more so with the new baby as they get older, between them and their half siblings. It all sounds very materialistic and in the 'knowing the price of everything, the 'value of nothing' territory

They are 7 years old and lost their father when they were one. He will represent a father figure to these kids - unless OP has had another long term relationship. I think it would be impossible for them to not lean on him. They will see SF being a father figure to his own children, plus a Dad to his current baby with OP and it will naturally be that he occupies that dynamic.

Yes I understand your point. Into “each to their own”‘territory. Wouldn’t be my bag but maybe some people are happy with this kind of setup.

In your opinion blended families are toxic. I am entitled to spend my money on what and who I want. Who are you to say what a mother can do or not do for their child?

I'm in a blended family. We are both SPs with kids together.

And there are far more toxic and abusive as fck ones for children in the middle of them than there are healthy ones. I can only think of one other blended family situation I would be OK with my kids being a part of in real life. And I know many.

You can do what you want. Just like I can think people who as adults decide to put together children in a family unit were either of the adults hold opinions like yours aren't good parents or behave like the OP & her husband aren't good parents.

I think the OP isnt a good SP. I think her DH is a good SP to her kids but a shit father to his own children.

IMO if two adults decide to start a relationship that throws together children that now need to share space, emotional resources, finances and everything else both of those adults have a responsibility to make decisions that have the least risk of causing harm and massive inequality between those kids.

You can disagree all you want. Ultimately it only matters that my husband shares the same view as me.

How would you feel if it was the other way round and your DH was financially better off than you? Would you expect him to treat your kids the same as his own? Would you be happy if at Christmas, he spent considerably more on gifts for his own children than yours? Or would you expect your children to be treated fairly and equally?
I personally feel sorry for your step children.

Poor step children. Father who left a three year old to shack up with someone else, who now doesn’t love them as much and wishes to ensure they don’t receive equal inheritance as their siblings. Great job all around parenting.

I don’t think all blended families are toxic but this one certainly sounds it. I wouldn’t expect the op to hand out deposits for houses to the step children. However I think it is selfish and cruel to coldly treat children in this way when they are young, letting them see the other children get superior gifts at Xmas for example. Could it even be called a “family” really ? Sounds like the step children are merely visitors.

Interesting you think blended families are toxic yet have a blended family yourself. I certainly wouldn’t be so smug to go around calling people bad parents because of their opinions. I think the op sounds like a great parent in wanting to provide the best for her children. I would question the children of blended families to see how happy they actually are with the set up, I suspect most SP are in denial at how happy the kids really are. I wouldn’t throw stones when you live in a glass house.

I loved my stepdad. He was brilliant. Taught me to drive. Taught me how to use tools. Absolutely brilliant bloke. But he was never my dad.

I am very fond of my SC. But they're not mine. They have a mum and a dad; my kids have a mum and the same dad as the SC. He loves all his kids equally. I love mine more than I love the SC.

The test of what your children think of your parenting is when they are adults.

When they have a choice as if they want to have a relationship with you. Not because they are forced by the fact they rely on you to provide for them.

Our respective SC are adults. We have grandkids right down to young children.

Those SKs also have blended families on their other side.

Considering the amount time they spend with us, and our relationships with them as adults v their other families I know exactly how they feel about their childhoods. What they liked and what they hated.

Just because I'm in a blended family doesn't mean I have the arrogance or the naivety to think the concept is actually in children's best interests in alot of cases.

You said yourself not everyone gets it right, what makes you think you’re any different to them?

I think we got it more right than wrong because like I said I know how they feel about their childhoods.

Is the concept of having conversations with adult children about their childhoods completely alien to you?

OP, you say you care for your stepchildren and want good things for them. But caring for them doesn't just mean...not wanting them to die. Surely it also means caring for their emotional wellbeing, their sense of security and belonging, their development? It doesn't just mean being pleasant when you're around them. It doesn't really sound like you care for them in any broader sense, tbh. The Christmas and doctor thing are quite disturbing.

Nobody is expecting you not to use the money you inherited from your late first husband for your twins - of course that's what you should do - but there are ways to go about it other than giving expensive gifts and experiences to your children, at the exclusion of your stepchildren, in such a visible and overt way. I have to say, you seem quite uninterested in trying to 'equalise', in any sense (not just monetary), the experience of love, affection and belonging for the children in your care. Your response has been - "that's life". Sure, that is life. But do you really think that's a helpful thing to say? Whether you like it or not, you are a step-parent. Being thoughtful out it doesn't mean you're stepping on anyone's toes. I'm sure the mother of your stepchildren - and your husband - would hugely appreciate you doing all you can to make sure they also thrive.

Of course it’s not alien to me. But I doubt they’re always going to tell you the truth. I also doubt even if you had got it wrong you probably wouldn’t admit that, what parent would admit they made wrong decisions? Parents also forget things that they have done 20-30 years ago, whilst the adult child will always remember.