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AIBU?

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Original poster

12 year old son falsely accused.

81 replies

Fran091321 · 14/06/2025 08:26

We are so upset our 12 year old has been accused of getting his penis out during a lesson! No such thing happened. His trousers clasp had come undone which either made the zip go down a little bit or the zip wasnt fully done up beforehand. Someone noticed in class that his trousers had come undone and started laughing and saying your trousers are undone. His shirt was tucked in and you couldn't even see any of his boxesr shorts as his shirt was covering them). Then everyone looked and some kids started saying the most disgusting things, it was a free for all (there was a substitute teacher in the class). He has been called a pedophile along with some other vile statements and had to be put in isolation according to the school "to keep him safe". I'm so upset that the school didn't deal with this firmly from the start. The whole thing has now got so out of hand and now we have year 7s spreading lies to other year groups.

The day the non incident happened my son was hassled by a large group of children at lunchtime, many of whom were not present in the lesson in which his trousers clasp came undone.

I asked the school "If, the isolation was intended to "keep him safe", then why was he left to go out at lunchtime and be hassled by a large group of kids? There was plenty of time for kids to call him all sort of names, including a paedophile and other vile statements that he has asked me to explain to him. This "keeping him safe" reason, doesn't seem to make sense at all!"

The response I got from the Designated Safeguarding Lead was "teachers come to school to teach" the teacher involved is not part of the safeguarding team". Now, I am a teacher (primary), but you don't need to be a teacher to know that safeguarding always has to be the top priority, followed by teaching! I was was astounded at his response.

The school put my son in isolation but the kids who made the false accusation were not (the school have categorically stated that they know the accusation is false). What message does this send to the rest of the year group?

We cannot believe how this is being handled and I need some opinions and help please.

OP posts:
Hercisback1 · 14/06/2025 09:13

What do you want to happen now?

By Monday most of this will be forgotten.

It's not ideal that there was a substitute teacher, as this may have meant school policies weren't followed properly. The spell in isolation was probably to try and cool the whole thing down a bit.

Realistically it's difficult to sanction large groups in school. This is in regard to the name callers on the playground.

OneFineDay13 · 14/06/2025 09:14

This is shocking am so sorry that happened to your son. Children can be absolutely vile and have a pack mentality. hoepfully it calms down in a few days but the school should have definitely handled this better and I would be angry too

springbirdss · 14/06/2025 09:16

Oh my God that sounds really extreme. The comment about safeguarding from the DSL is insane... Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. It sounds like it's more convenient for them to 'isolate' your son than to deal with the bullies. Is this one of those schools that is so overwhelmed with issues that they are unable to protect kids properly? Honestly I would remove him from the school. It's nearly the end of the academic year so this might be possible...?

Profpudding · 14/06/2025 09:16

Sit back and see what happens on Monday if it’s not all blown over I would respond with my child came to school to learn not be fucking terrorised.
What’s the plan? Push it totally back on them, he shouldn’t be an isolation.

RhaenysRocks · 14/06/2025 09:18

Taking your post at face value and not going down the "is there more to this" route, the schools response is appalling. If the cover teacher couldn't contain the situation she should have used school procedures to call for support in the first instance. The situation should never have reached the point where he needed to be removed "for his safety" and if so, certainly not them dumped back in a free for all playground. I'd be asking for a meeting with his HoY on Monday. I'm a secondary teacher by the way. Safeguarding is absolutely the first priority on any situation and all teachers have a legal duty to carry it out. We are all on that team, all the time.

Ilovemychocolate · 14/06/2025 09:23

As a teacher, surely you know the complaints procedure?
Meeting with head, letter to the governors if not satisfied, ultimately Ofsted.
Im so sorry this has happened to your son, you and him must be absolutely devastated.
And to put HIM in isolation?!
Absolutely disgusting.
I hope you get it resolved x

roses2 · 14/06/2025 09:27

My son was been accused of attempting to get his penis out (he was 6 years old and said he was just scratching) although all I got was a phone call. I wouldn't worry about it too much unless the issue continues beyond a day.

The teachers are taught to safeguard the other kids. Whilst in the majority of the cases there is noting untoward there are unfortunately kids who do take it too far and it's hard to know when that will happen so they take a hard line at any small thing.

HatesHorsesLovesShein · 14/06/2025 09:28

I’m a supply teacher, although in primary. I get loads of safeguarding information at every school go to. Verbally, sheets to take with me to lessons , booklets to read when I arrive, posters on the wall. I also know that I can go to any staff member who is employed by the school about a safeguarding incident and they will tell me what to do, who to talk to.

It’s likely that the supply teacher was overwhelmed in that moment, which is completely understandable in my opinion. What happened is awful and it shouldn’t have happened but it was a series of unfortunate events really. That the zip came down, that the other children ran with this as something and that there was a supply teacher.

But it’s what the school do next that matters, and they have bollocksed that right up.

Profpudding · 14/06/2025 09:28

To be fair, my daughter has been the supply cover teacher and called for the senior leadership team three times and being completely palmed off.
They only emerge when she stuck her head out of the classroom door and shouted the person‘s name. Which naturally meant that she was never invited back to that school

PoliteSquid · 14/06/2025 09:31

I think the risk to young men of false/exaggerated claims made against them is a growing concern. A girl told the DSL that my son was making her feel uncomfortable… turned out he was only giving one word answers when she asked him about his weekend!!! He has now asked to be seated alone in most lessons and won’t engage in conversation with anyone outside his close friends.

OP, sounds like a similar thing has happened with the way the safeguarding team have heard the language used to describe what happened. And then other kids pick up on it and they simply don’t care whether what they’re saying is true…. As long as no one is saying it about them!

Stardust286 · 14/06/2025 09:36

The teacher not being part of the safeguarding team is a load of sh#t.
Everyone is responsible for safeguarding!

Oblomov25 · 14/06/2025 09:44

This is really poor, multiple failures, and for see still then their response was even worse, showing basic failures. Push back.

Oblomov25 · 14/06/2025 09:49

I completely disagree with Hercis, sanctions of large groups is really easy. You can easily tell a whole year that a benefit is removed eg year 8 can't play football for 2 days. Plus it's easy to try and instill good behaviour, in both tutor group and then assembly mention how we treat others, plus basically saying that nastiness won't be tolerated.

Easy.

TheFlakyAquaSloth · 14/06/2025 09:52

Profpudding · 14/06/2025 09:16

Sit back and see what happens on Monday if it’s not all blown over I would respond with my child came to school to learn not be fucking terrorised.
What’s the plan? Push it totally back on them, he shouldn’t be an isolation.

this -

TheFlakyAquaSloth · 14/06/2025 09:55

PoliteSquid · 14/06/2025 09:31

I think the risk to young men of false/exaggerated claims made against them is a growing concern. A girl told the DSL that my son was making her feel uncomfortable… turned out he was only giving one word answers when she asked him about his weekend!!! He has now asked to be seated alone in most lessons and won’t engage in conversation with anyone outside his close friends.

OP, sounds like a similar thing has happened with the way the safeguarding team have heard the language used to describe what happened. And then other kids pick up on it and they simply don’t care whether what they’re saying is true…. As long as no one is saying it about them!

Oh god we had this with eldest who is Asperger’s and tics. The tics are caused by stress and part of his disability. Apparently others found this uncomfortable and the pupils that only had one leg - he was also making others uncomfortable 😳 as he clattered too much with his crutches

neverbeenskiing · 14/06/2025 09:57

School safeguarding lead here. In this situation I would take the following actions

I would need to speak to the Teacher and a couple of reliable pupils who were in the lesson (and not part of the name calling etc) to establish that your DS did not, in fact, expose his genitals. Unfortunately, this is something that happens (not frequently, but less rarely than you might think) and I would need to make sure.

I would speak to your DS and identify where he and his friend group normally hang out at break/lunch. I would advise they stick to a designated area so I could let a member of staff on duty nearby know to keep an eye out for him. I would also be encouraging him to think about who his trusted adults are in school (form tutor, Pastoral etc) and make sure he knows where to find them if there is a problem or he needs someone to talk to.

I would be asking for the names of any children who have verbally abused or physically intimidated him and they would be spoken to individually by their HOY. It would be made clear to them that they are to stay away from your DS, that there is to be no mention of the 'non-incident' and any further evidence of unkind comments, intimidation or spreading of rumours would lead to a sanction.

If your DS didn't know the names or (as often happens) I'm told it's "everyone" or "loads of kids" rather than specific individuals then we would consider giving a message in the Year group assembly (your DS would not have to be present for this!), not naming your DS specifically, but talking about the importance of not spreading rumours/name-calling or intimidating other children by approaching them in large groups etc.

We would think about whether seating plans need to be changed in lessons, for example your DS may feel more comfortable sitting at the front near to the teacher so they can be vigilant for any comments or issues.

Once the above was in place I would arrange for your DS's HOY or Form Tutor to give you a call in a few days to see how things were going.

On the subject of putting a child in isolation for their own safety, this can seem odd to parents but sometimes this is the most appropriate course of action. If, for example, we are informed that there is going to be a coordinated assault on a particular child by a large group of children, it makes sense to get the potential victim to a place of safety whilst we investigate. This allows us to speak to the victim individually, whilst other staff are speaking to the other kids involved, witnesses etc. We don't want all the alleged perpetrators in isolation together where they have a chance to confer and get their stories straight! Its a very short term measure, and would be made clear to the isolated child it was for their safety while we unpick what's happened and come up with a proper plan, not a punishment.

Tulipvase · 14/06/2025 10:05

neverbeenskiing · 14/06/2025 09:57

School safeguarding lead here. In this situation I would take the following actions

I would need to speak to the Teacher and a couple of reliable pupils who were in the lesson (and not part of the name calling etc) to establish that your DS did not, in fact, expose his genitals. Unfortunately, this is something that happens (not frequently, but less rarely than you might think) and I would need to make sure.

I would speak to your DS and identify where he and his friend group normally hang out at break/lunch. I would advise they stick to a designated area so I could let a member of staff on duty nearby know to keep an eye out for him. I would also be encouraging him to think about who his trusted adults are in school (form tutor, Pastoral etc) and make sure he knows where to find them if there is a problem or he needs someone to talk to.

I would be asking for the names of any children who have verbally abused or physically intimidated him and they would be spoken to individually by their HOY. It would be made clear to them that they are to stay away from your DS, that there is to be no mention of the 'non-incident' and any further evidence of unkind comments, intimidation or spreading of rumours would lead to a sanction.

If your DS didn't know the names or (as often happens) I'm told it's "everyone" or "loads of kids" rather than specific individuals then we would consider giving a message in the Year group assembly (your DS would not have to be present for this!), not naming your DS specifically, but talking about the importance of not spreading rumours/name-calling or intimidating other children by approaching them in large groups etc.

We would think about whether seating plans need to be changed in lessons, for example your DS may feel more comfortable sitting at the front near to the teacher so they can be vigilant for any comments or issues.

Once the above was in place I would arrange for your DS's HOY or Form Tutor to give you a call in a few days to see how things were going.

On the subject of putting a child in isolation for their own safety, this can seem odd to parents but sometimes this is the most appropriate course of action. If, for example, we are informed that there is going to be a coordinated assault on a particular child by a large group of children, it makes sense to get the potential victim to a place of safety whilst we investigate. This allows us to speak to the victim individually, whilst other staff are speaking to the other kids involved, witnesses etc. We don't want all the alleged perpetrators in isolation together where they have a chance to confer and get their stories straight! Its a very short term measure, and would be made clear to the isolated child it was for their safety while we unpick what's happened and come up with a proper plan, not a punishment.

Edited

I work in a secondary school and in pastoral care and I think this is the approach that our school would take.

I think I would ask for a further chat with SLT about how this issue was handled.

I do also agree with another poster that these things do tend to be forgotten quite quickly. Doesn’t help at the time though. I hope your son is ok.

Original poster
Fran091321 · 15/06/2025 07:41

Hercisback1 · 14/06/2025 09:13

What do you want to happen now?

By Monday most of this will be forgotten.

It's not ideal that there was a substitute teacher, as this may have meant school policies weren't followed properly. The spell in isolation was probably to try and cool the whole thing down a bit.

Realistically it's difficult to sanction large groups in school. This is in regard to the name callers on the playground.

Sadly, I dont think it will. The kids that accused him were spoken to at the beginning of the year as they were relentlessly bullying him as he had severe exzema on his scalp. One girl in particular has tried to het him in triuble a number of times ever since, but nothing of this magnitude! You know the phase "snitches get stitches".

We had a meeting with his head of year and the DSL already, which was absolutely awful. We've asked for a meeting with the headteacher and will take it from there. I will, of course, be telling the HT that his head of safeguarding stated that "teachers go to school to teach" and I will be insisting that an email goes to all the year 7 parents saying that a child had been falsely accused of something, and this child was put into isolation for his own safety as he was subject to a barage of verbal abuse, not because he had done anything wrong! I feel this is important as we were told that the school had a "number of disgruntled parents on their hands"- they are disgruntled about somethingcthat did not happen! I also know from a friend's som that the word going around the year os that my son must done it as he was in isolation for a day and a half and the kids that said it weren't! The whole thing has been handled so badly, we're absolutely furious. If the head teacher's response isn't appropriate, we will take it further.

To answer one Posters comment, I cam assure you that there is NO "more to this story"! The accusation is completely false!

Thanks for your replies and opinions, they're appreciated.

OP posts:
RedJamDoughnut · 15/06/2025 07:46

Some kids are horrible, relentless bullies. Schools have limited power. The parents have no control or turn a blind eye.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 15/06/2025 07:50

Your poor son op, this is just dreadful. I would absolutely do everything you’re planning and make it clear how unacceptable this is.

is there any possibility of changing school?

MeganM3 · 15/06/2025 07:50

Are you absolutely sure that’s what happened, before you go any further

MissyB1 · 15/06/2025 07:52

To be honest I would seriously be considering moving him to another school. I would find it hard to trust his current school being able to deal with any kind of bullying. See how you get on with the head (insist on a face to face meeting), and make your mind up from there.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 15/06/2025 07:54

I would be withdrawing him from school as they are obviously shit!
Seriously.

Original poster
Fran091321 · 15/06/2025 08:09

To clarify, we were told that the kids involved will be sanctioned, but in our opinion the damage is done. My son was in isolation for a day and a half, which makes him seem guilty and in that day and a half, nothing happened to the kids who made this up!

My son was told that he was in isolation for his safety not as a punishment. But a member of staff who questioned him said "trousers do not come undone by themselves", insinuating that he was lying. When I have worn trousers with a similar clasp, it has come undone before and it makes the zip go down a bit. So it absolutely can happen! It is completely inappropriate for this member of staff to insinuate he is lying. My son kept saying " they're trying to set me up" and he said she kept "trying to prove me wrong".

The school a well aware of the fact that in the first term my son was scared to come in to school and on a number of occrefused to do so. They initially dealt with that horribly, I witnessed his head of year telling him to "get out of the car and into school, 1500 other students have got themselves into school and so should you." She then went on to say that "this is not a primary school car park and I am not a primary school teacher". Needless to say, I took hom back home with me and told the teacher that her way of dealing with it was completely unhelpful. They did change their tactics and he saw a councillor from place2be for 10 sessions, which helped hugely, and we've had no school refusals since. I hope this doesn't set him back as he's done so well and his confidence had increased hugely. The school know all this and to be honest, we're appalled at their mishandling.

As of Friday, he's been given a member of staff as a mentor. They told us they will be doing a year assembly to try to address this. But my points still stand,

*they've made him look like the guilty one, by isolating him and allowing the others,to carry on as normal. This is a fact, as my friend's son stated that is what all the kids are saying.
*The school told my husband and I (whilst our son was present in the room with us) that they "have a number of disgruntled parents on their hands".
*The member of staff who initially questioned him, insinuated he was lying.
*Theh safeguarding lead appears to believe that the top priority is teaching, not safeguarding, unless you're part of the safeguarding team. Which, as a previous poster has correctly stated, everyone is responsible for safeguarding and safeguarding is always the top priority!

OP posts:
Fitasafiddle1 · 15/06/2025 08:13

Tread carefully op. Something doesn’t stack up here. How can you be sure he didn’t have his penis out in class? If he did, of course putting him in isolation is a good call. Exposing yourself isn’t ideal but maybe it was an accident but maybe it wasn’t..