Ex’s unreasonable demands to my house?

[rudddy]

Me and the father of my child are no longer together due to various issues including emotional and verbal abuse on his part.

For some reason he expects a key to my new house and access to the Ringdoor bell to ensure if there was ever an emergency he would have emergency access if required.

I dont want him to have a key or access to my Ringdoor bell and I have told him as such.

He has asked his friends and siblings who are also in a similar situation and have said the fathers all have keys to the other parents house and that I ABU.

Also as I live in a house and he now lives in a flat he expects his family and friends to all visit DC in my house.
I don’t like his friends and they caused a lot of issues in our relationship and we’re quite disrespectful to me so I don’t want any of them in my house.

I get on well with his mum and sisters so that’s not an issue.

His brother expects to bring his various child’s mothers and criminal adult children to my house and I don’t want people involved in crime and knives in my house but as I live in a spacious house my ex thinks I am BU to not want to accommodate these visits.

Ex now lives in a bad area, drugs being sold, a lot of drugs addicts around.

AIBU?
End of the day I just want what’s best for DC.

I think no is a complete answer. Handovers somewhere neutral park, library, childcare.

it is completely crazy think to ask tbh

He can fuck off, the controlling POS. This is all about him checking up on you: keys to your house, people from his family routinely entering your house, him monitoring your movements and visitors on the Ring. Why on earth would you want him as your emergency contact?! If his horrible family and friends want to see your child, they don’t get to bang at your door demanding a visit. They can meet you somewhere neutral like a coffee shop. A tenner says they won’t be arsed to.

Apart from everything else, so he gets a notification anytime anyone enters or leaves your property, including you? 🤔
He can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

I think he is an absolute cretin (and fortunately it sounds like you weren’t married so he can get fucked with regard to a key)

but…please get him a token card and a really cheap gift so that your child can give it to
him. Then your child doesn’t feel left out, and when he rejects it (he will) it can’t be blamed on you - he will get bored eventually but until then, only do things that benefit you and your child

GREY ROCK. It’ll wind him up. He’s being a knob

WHY are you on here asking if you ABU? Its unbelievable that he could take this attitude, and that you seem to be taking it seriously! Do you really doubt that you should have absolutely no contact bewtween him and your home? No way, no way ever, NO WAY!

Make it very clear he can only 'pop round' by prior appointment! No just turning up...

Obviously, you don't give him a key or access to your Ring doorbell.

If you feel like having a bit of fun at his expense, tell him that you've now spoken to your friends and family and they all agree that he has absolutely no reason to have a key or access to Ring doorbell so you won't be doing either!

As for wanting to do the best for your children, it is not in their best interests to see him brow beating you, you capitulating and then being very unhappy as he takes advantage of you.

Nor is in your children's best interest to have his horrible friends who hate you, or his ne'er do well brother with his criminal adult children and the children's mothers in your home. You can't stop their father from allowing such contact but you can stop it happening in your home and thereby give your children some protection.

Hi
No I haven’t got anything of him for my last birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas.

When we were together if I needed something doing in the house for example a curtail pole being installed or just very simple jobs he would enlist the help of his friends and I would have to pay them like £70, and he took great pleasure in telling me that if it was his flat his friends would of done it for free but because it’s me and they hate me they would charge me.

Never mind this being where his kids live, it’s just comments like that, and anytime I needed a lift I would have to pay him petrol money despite him staying for days in my house and not contributing a penny.

I am getting my own car next week so I won’t have to rely on him for lifts, but apparently he is concerned about my driving despite him being the one involved in a car crash where it was his fault for driving under the influence and being tired.

I take my time driving so according him to him I am apparently a danger on the roads and he dosent want me taking the kids anywhere unless he has been in the car with me to see I can drive safely.

It just never stops with him.
I feel so harassed by him.

He’s an abusive knob. Glad you have managed to escape!

I’d use a parenting app. Ignore him on everything else. Grey rock.

It's really worrying that you're asking this, and that people in your life have told you to do what he wants. Your boundaries are extremely skewed.

Can anyone suggest good resources for this? Would the Freedom Programme be suitable?

You’re suffering post separation domestic abuse/coercive control. As a starting point please complete the freedom programme. If your child is younger than 5 you can access this through the children’s centre, otherwise they do it online. You should also contact a local domestic abuse charity for support. Doing these things should give you the courage and support to be able to say no to his RIDICULOUS demands. He shouldn’t be allowed a key or access to your ring door bell (which he wants as a method of surveillance to further abuse you), his friends and family shouldn’t be allowed access to your home and he should only be able to communicate with you via one method (such as an app or email).

He can fuck right off.

Read up on grey rocking and only communicate via email, so you have a paper trail. Block him on everything else. Do not engage with his comments, only discuss pick up/drop off for DC with the shortest answers. Good luck OP, he sounds like a right bastard.

I am getting my own car next week so I won’t have to rely on him for lifts, but apparently he is concerned about my driving despite him being the one involved in a car crash where it was his fault for driving under the influence and being tired.
I take my time driving so according him to him I am apparently a danger on the roads and he dosent want me taking the kids anywhere unless he has been in the car with me to see I can drive safely.

What's happening here is that you are trying to 1 apply rational arguemnts to an irrational person (ie his driving is clearly riskeier based on past experience) and 2 attempt to reach a compromise with a person who does not want compromise.

So stick to facts. The fact is this:

1 It does not matter how he feels about your driving. You are legally allowed to drive, and to drive with your chlidren in the car.

2 He does not get a say in whether or not you are allowed to drive a car.

Every single ONE of these "concerns" that he raises, you must look at from a practical, legal, dispassionate view and what you are required to do by law. The momenty you try to "see his side" and attempt to either explain or negotiate, you have lost the battle already.

You don't need to answer or justify yourself to him. Just ignore anything that is not child related. Ask for all communication on email or text so you have a record. Do not let him in your house or give him a key. Time to get a backbone and stand up to him. Remember he is an EX.

Give him a random key that doesn’t work, after 3/4 weeks of getting one cut iykwim

then sit back and wait for him to try and access the house in a non emergency- all videoed on ring doorbell

then say that’s why you’re not having a key or access to ring doorbell- so you can wipe off the times you come in my house without me knowing

what a knob

He can make all the demands he wants.

They're stupid and not legally enforceable. Who does he think he is, the DMV? He does not get in your car. He does not come in your house. You have a valid license. If he tries to get in your car or prevent you from driving, call the police.

You might want to consider only communication with him through a co-parenting app that is admissible in court in your location.

Do you have a court order concerning custody and visitation? You need one and it needs to be very specific. No visits by him or relatives or friends in your home. If his place is unacceptable, he can pay for visits at a center.

You arent together with him and he clearly hates you.
You dont have to engage with his weird crazy bullshit anymore.

If he wants to discuss access to the children then thats one thing, but as soon as he starts with the bizarre demands then you can just tell him that youll speak when hes not drunk and saying crazy things and tell him that you can see hes still obsessed with you, but youre not interested in having him or his friends in your house, otherwise you wouldn't have dumped his arse. He needs to move on

Why do you even engage with this fuckwit?

Block & only deal with him via email or parenting app.

He is still trying to control you. He doesn’t get a key, he doesn’t get to say if your kids can travel in a car you are driving. He doesn’t get a say in anything that goes on in your home. Wants access to ring in case an emergency happens? Bollox! He wants to monitor your comings and goings and who you have in your house.

as others have said only communicate through message app/ email. Make sure you file for child support and get a proper custody agreement in place.

Do not let him have a key under any circumstances. He’s full of of shit and trying to manipulate you. Stay strong and don’t give in.

You need to stand firm on this, invent a new boyfriend that doesn’t allow it. Boundaries now.

Oh you poor person. It sounds like you have escaped a very abusive relationship - well done you. However you must recognise he is still abusing you! The fact that you are even asking these questions shows what a number he has done on you:

• This is YOUR house and you shouldn't allow anyone to enter that you don't want to. No keys, no doorbell access. No way.
• He can expect whatever he wants - who cares, not your partner, not your problem.
• He, His brother / friends whoever can all think whatever they want is unreasonable - who cares, not your partner, not your brother, not your friends, not your problem.

The best thing you can do is simply not engage with this man in any way, about anything. The dialog gives him the opportunity to attempt to control you and continue the abuse. Make the children available to him to allow a relationship with them as appropriate but do that either through a contact app or email. Preferably a standard schedule so you don't need to discuss that much either. Block everything else and don't engage with him at pick up /drop off. Any discussion on a topic other than access to children is ignored. Don't rely on him for lifts or any interaction whatsoever - it's not worth it. Its nice that you get on with his mum and sister - it would be nice to maintain a good relationship but please be wary of this too. If YOU want to maintain a direct relationship then it is exactly that, direct, nothing goes through him. Even then I would be careful as everything you say and do WILL be reported back to him.

Just stop speaking to him altogether. Only communication through a parenting app and ignore anything that isn't about what day or time he is seeing your child or info about your child's welfare.
Meet somewhere neutral to hand over your child. If he tries to talk to you, be a broken record "I don't want to talk to you, if it's important send it through the app. And walk away. He is still using any means to try and control, bully and abuse you. You need to cut off his access to you so he can't do that.

Until custody arrangements are court ordered, arrange a time you are meeting to hand over your child for visitation. Wait 15 minutes and if he isn't there, go home and he will need to arrange a new day and time that suits you. If he is only using your child to get to you, he will get tired of not being allowed to do this and will disappear soon enough. Better he fucks off soon so your kid doesn't have to endure having this awful man as a father.

Keep his family at arms length. His mum might seem nice but she raised him and his piece of shit brother didn't she so isn't to be trusted. She and his sisters will go behind your back to him eventually and try and talk you into doing what he wants you to do, pushing a bit at a time so you don't always spot it until your boundaries are trampled. You need a clean break from him and seeing his family isn't that. If they are really good people, they will understand when you say you need to take a break for a while from anything to do with him that isn't your child.

Bloody well done for getting out. It must have taken some determination and bravery for sure. You can do this.

I honestly mean this with love and from bitter experience but please speak to women's aid and try and arrange some therapy to work out how you ended up having a kid with such a disgusting man and then not being able to clearly see how he is continuing to abuse you. Don't even think about another relationship for a long time until you are super confident you won't end up with someone else abusive. Sometimes we don't see more abuse from someone new at first because it doesn't look the same as the abuse from the previous dickhead. Please do not get pregnant until you have been in a stable relationship with a really good man for a long time. Make friends with strong women who take no shit from men and hold you up as well.

In the meantime you have us. ❤️

You feel harassed because he is harassing you. He is abusing you mentally, emotionally, financially. Please know that this is all him- none of it is you. He (and his mates) are scummy abusive tossers and you are currently experiencing his rage at you escaping him. He knows he’s full of shit and he wants you to keep buying it so you stay controlled by him.

Freedom Programme is a good shout, also the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft- you can read it for free online. I found that really really helpful.