Ex’s unreasonable demands to my house?

[rudddy]

Me and the father of my child are no longer together due to various issues including emotional and verbal abuse on his part.

For some reason he expects a key to my new house and access to the Ringdoor bell to ensure if there was ever an emergency he would have emergency access if required.

I dont want him to have a key or access to my Ringdoor bell and I have told him as such.

He has asked his friends and siblings who are also in a similar situation and have said the fathers all have keys to the other parents house and that I ABU.

Also as I live in a house and he now lives in a flat he expects his family and friends to all visit DC in my house.
I don’t like his friends and they caused a lot of issues in our relationship and we’re quite disrespectful to me so I don’t want any of them in my house.

I get on well with his mum and sisters so that’s not an issue.

His brother expects to bring his various child’s mothers and criminal adult children to my house and I don’t want people involved in crime and knives in my house but as I live in a spacious house my ex thinks I am BU to not want to accommodate these visits.

Ex now lives in a bad area, drugs being sold, a lot of drugs addicts around.

AIBU?
End of the day I just want what’s best for DC.

OP, you have had good advice and a lot of extraneous fluff so please consider these points.

No key to your home - no need for reasons.
No access to your Ring doorbell - no need for reasons.
Contact Women’s Aid and discuss your situation with them.
Communications with him only through a Co-parenting App - noo need for reasons.
If you haven’t already (it doesn’t sounds as if you have) get a Court ordered Child Arrangements Order. Foe your and your DC's protection.

Be very wary of his family even though you think you have a good relationship with them. He will always come above you in their priorities. I’ve seen too many ‘trusted’ family members facilitate meetings with an Ex because they trust them or have been coerced by them when the Court order says no unsupervised contact, even by his family.

I wish you and your DC all the best.

Can see why he's an ex, so he still wants control even though you've split.

Stand your ground if his flat is too small suggest he buys a bigger place it's not your problem. His mates dislike you yet want to be entertained in your home no chance tell them to jog on.

Echoing everyone else. Stand very firm on this, NEVER let him inside your home again, or anyone else that you haven’t personally invited. If you start to allow him any access he’ll just push and push so you need to have a firm clear boundary and stick to it. Handovers outside, communication through a parenting app.

OP, just to highlight how this is not normal from him, but actually surprisingly common for men like him. Here are some things I've read on MN or seen in real life that I can easily remember:

The man who is sending lawyers letters to his ex, 10 years later, because he wants her to pay him back for her engagement ring, the cost of "storing" their shared DC's toys at his house and her "share" of the petrol they used on a trip while they were still together.

The man who insists his ex let him stay in her house because they have a poorly DC and he refuses to kit out his house to cope. Whie there, he does not help, insists that HE must sleep in her bed while she sleeps on a cot in her child's room, and uses the time to masturbate. he also claims this is HER fault as she will not "sort him out" (or words to that effect).

The man who is still angry that his ex's family do not include him in family events: her SIL's birthday and he doesn't get an invite? She receives torrents of abuse. x100 if SHE hosts any of these events at HER house.

The man who refuses to arrange contact time for his toddler, but expects his ex to be available whenever he calls and wants to come over. If I recall correctly, he has threated to take the child and/or call social services because it is his RIGHT to simply turn up at any time and take the child.

All of these men tell these women that their family/friends/colleagues agree with them and/or attempt to use their family/friends/colleagues to force these women to do what they want.

You share a DC with this man and now you are no longer in a relationship that's where it stops.

Neither of you need a key to each others houses.

His family, unless you say so, aren't to entre your house.

As for his DB, why does he think he gets a say, he's as much right as I have.

Just keep getting on with your ex's mum and DSis...but be mindful that she doesn't start hinting that her family should be allowed due to xyz.

If you are not a proper woman, you must be an improper woman. Sounds a lot more fun!

No, no, no to all of it. Absolutely not.

Id also be warey of my children staying overnight with him in such an awful area.

Bloody hell - my ex didn't have a key to my house and wasn't welcome in it even when he was still a part owner!

Just watch out with family - I took my kids to visit my ex's mum once, and it turned out everything we spoke about was reported back to him. So I didn't do that again.

First post nailed it.

this is YOUR HOUSE! You’re not with him and have absolutely no responsibility towards him apart from reasonable facilitation of contact with your joint dc. If that can’t take place at his home, it’s on HIM to arrange a suitable venue (or it goes through a contact centre). His family have absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever.

i can’t state it any more clearly. Just because this man says something does not make it true and you do not have to comply automatically.

God, he’s outrageous!

@rudddy i didn’t even finish ready your post op .
I am in genuine shock that you have to post here instead of saying no .
“we are not together sort your own life and family out . My life is my own not to be ran or controlled by you “ over step the mark and I will contact a solicitor and the police “ EX do you understand ?

Just say no. You don't have to let him in your house at all, nor his family or friends. Keep any communication between you to what is necessary to co-parent and that's it. Quite honestly, it's quite worrying that you even need to ask - you need to be much firmer in setting boundaries and enforcing them. If he continues to harrass you, report him to the police.

You know when he said he asked everyone he knows and they all have keys etc?

He lied.

Spot on!!

Its probably all lies about his friends and their arrangements. But even if it's true, it doesn't matter.

He's your ex. One of the perks, is that you don't have him or his associates in your home anymore.

Its quite common to find that this aapect is equally as satisfying as not having to live with your ex anymore.

Enjoy your freedom and your own private home. Don't let any of them in. Never get out a key. It doesnt matter if he doesn't like it or what he thinks.

Yanbu.

No, and you should be really firm about this. It's your home, your safe space. Don't let anyone in who do don't want there. And under no circumstances let him have a key, or any opportunity to get one copied. And absolutely no access to the doorbell. It's your place.

Absolutely no way and I would cut yourself off from the majority of these people if you possibly can, and try to keep family visits away from your home so that you can set some clear boundaries.

Absolutely not. No no no no, hell no!

Would he be willing to give you a key to his house and access to his ring doorbell/security cameras? I don’t bloody think so.

This is just another way for him to have some control over you and your life and privacy and is absolutely not normal.

@rudddy he should not be allowed into your house full stop!! he can meet the child at the park!! no one needs a key and he certainly does not get access to your ring doorbell! he is in cloud cuckoo land! dont let him in, in case he hides a camera!

How crazy. He absolutely friends could easily rob you between the keys and knowing when you're out.

Hold the line. The only people who need keys to your house are people who live there and possibly a friend for emergencies, this man is not someone who lives in the house and is not your friend.

id also knock on the head you facilitating contact with his family, he can do that on his time. None of his friends are welcome in your house, just tell him you only host people you like and you don’t like any of his friends.

Oh please. You can't seriously believe you should be agreeing with him. This is crazy.

Willing to bet a large sum of money that you received nothing on Mother's Day, your birthday or Christmas ?

So match his energy - nothing on Father's Day, his birthday or Christmas. I take pp's comment re a card and glitter but as his mother and sis are on good terms - they can arrange a card from your child to him. Let them know you will not be doing as as your matching his energy

It's your home. It's not your exes. It doesn't matter what his mates arrangements are with their exes. You don't want him having access to your home, so therefore no key. You are no longer together, you don't have to have his friends visit. Tell him straight, he's not having a key or any access to your home. He's not bringing his friends to your home. He collects the children from your home, he stands on the doorstep, he brings them home, he stands on the doorstep. He's taking the piss and is out of order. Could he collect the children from his Mum's and drop them back there? You then take/collect from his Mum's.

Make sure all your family know he’s not allowed in so he can’t wheedle his way in through them

@rudddy

I say this with no snark and absolutely no mean intentions.

First off well spotted and good job for asking about these ridiculous demands. That being said I do think you might need some help recalibrating after getting out of a relationship with your ex. The fact that you are asking is indicating that you might have some skewed thinking about what is reasonable and what isn’t when it comes to what he saying. Please continue to question everything that he says and perhaps see about some counseling or find a trusted friend or family member to bounce things off of.