Ex’s unreasonable demands to my house?

[rudddy]

Me and the father of my child are no longer together due to various issues including emotional and verbal abuse on his part.

For some reason he expects a key to my new house and access to the Ringdoor bell to ensure if there was ever an emergency he would have emergency access if required.

I dont want him to have a key or access to my Ringdoor bell and I have told him as such.

He has asked his friends and siblings who are also in a similar situation and have said the fathers all have keys to the other parents house and that I ABU.

Also as I live in a house and he now lives in a flat he expects his family and friends to all visit DC in my house.
I don’t like his friends and they caused a lot of issues in our relationship and we’re quite disrespectful to me so I don’t want any of them in my house.

I get on well with his mum and sisters so that’s not an issue.

His brother expects to bring his various child’s mothers and criminal adult children to my house and I don’t want people involved in crime and knives in my house but as I live in a spacious house my ex thinks I am BU to not want to accommodate these visits.

Ex now lives in a bad area, drugs being sold, a lot of drugs addicts around.

AIBU?
End of the day I just want what’s best for DC.

Heaven NO!
He sounds like a child wanting a toy because “all the other children have one!!!” & that’s rarely true either!!
Please hold your boundaries on this and all the other batshit bonkers demands he will be sending your way. This is definitely a case of your house your rules.
Good luck.

Say no to absolutely everything. If you say yes to one demand he will think he has the power to do what he wants.

It's your home. He has no rights at all whatsoever.

He can ask and ask and ask until the cows come home.....but the answer is still no.
If he gets aggressive then go down the legal route.

100% NO FECKING WAY

Your house, you get to say who is allowed into it.

Never, ever, give him a key. Check your Ring doorbell and if he ever gets in somehow then call the Police.

You need to remind him he doesnt live there anymore. No key and no visits. .

He is now nothing to do with you.
He has no rights to ask you to do anything.
He has no rights to request any access to your house.
He is bullying you, speak to womens aid.
Stop all contact, go through a contact app. Dont speak to him directly at all.

No way does he need to have door ring bell of your house on his phone and I certainly wouldn’t give him a key. Tell him in an emergency who has a spare key. If you have to wait in car at his, do the same to him.

Absolutely not. It's definitely not the norm.

He should not have any access to your home.

His relatives visit children on his visitation time in his home.

He's just trying to access and use your house post split. Tell him that's not happening. When your relationship ended, so did his access to your home. I wouldn't let him in the house at all. He can wait in the car or on the stoop for trying to be an asshole. Don't leave your keys out or hidden around outside, this guy sounds weird and I would not trust him to not copy them. Your router pw might be on your kids' electronics. Make sure it's encrypted and secure access to your router.

Nope, tell him it's not happening. You should be the only one with access to your camera. Give a key to your mum or close friend for emergencies. If he doesn't think his flat is suitable for family and friends to visit, then he needs to sort somewhere that doesn't involve you or your home. He's trying to control you even though you've split up and keep an eye on you in case you're bringing people into your home.

I hope you make your ex wait in the car like he does to you

Ha! As if. No one has to give anyone unfettered access to their property. Even landlords need to give notice to enter without good reason.
On yer bike, mate. His current circumstances are nothing to do with you. If he wants a house somewhere nice then he needs to work for it like everyone else.

Why on earth does he think that in an emergency he would be the one person you would call on to help. I'll bet that he was controlling when you were together and cannot accept that he cannot control you any more.

Thank you, he just makes me feel as if I am petty and unreasonable as he constantly comparese
to other woman and it’s always “If I had been with a proper woman”.

I have told him he is not welcome in my house and to do the drops outside as I do with him.

Even when we split up I let him into my house just to be met with abuse and told what to do.

Even for Father’s Day he has made it quite clear that he expects a card, gift but I have told him I won’t be doing that and again I am told IABU.

That would be a big fat no on everything. Hokey or access to ring, absolutely no need for it

as to friendS and family visiting dc at yours, again a bit fat no they visit at his flat, or his parents place

stand firm

Every time he says “If I’d been with a proper woman” you can answer either

”I know, right? I’m looking for a proper man, myself. Do you know of one? My ex was useless”

Or:

Go find one, then.

Obviously he doesn’t want access for emergency reasons. He wants it so he can maintain a level of control over you and come and go as he pleases. Absolutely not. And if he wants visits in a house, he can save more money so he can afford a spacious house of his own to be in. Absolutely do not let anyone in YOUR home that you do not want there or feel comfortable with.
Just laugh and say, umm no. If he asks again. Bloody ridiculous request on his part, all about keeping the power.

Oh he’s a fucking knobhead isn’t he?! What an actual idiot!! 🤣🤣

Did he do Mother’s Day for you? Guess not so a big fat no again

as to the comment if I had been with a proper women I would be counter arguing if I had been with a proper man who treated his partner with love and care, not abuse

Just laugh in his face and tell him you really don't give a damn what he thinks of you!

You do not have to do anything for this man other than make your children available for contact as long as it is safe to do so. I had one like this and recommend not speaking to him about anything but contact arrangements.

All this stuff that his siblings and friends have supposedly said is most likely made up to manipulate you. Ignore it all, what others have to say is irrelevant.

He doesn't get to try to control you, your environment, what you do, who has access to your home, or what happens for Father's Day. He will find fault with all sorts of things that you do / do not do / are / are not. His lists of complaints and demands are his alone. He has no power over you.

You are completely in control. You are not doing anything wrong.

Exerting your own power is tough and terrifying at first, but it is a muscle that you need to exercise. It WILL get easier.

Source: left controlling marriage a few years ago and now navigating life as someone with her own agency and voice that is heard.

Yes to setting boundaries. He is trying to continue the abuse that he inflicted on you in your relationship. He does not get to make demands on you. Under no circumstances should he have a key to your house or access to the ring doorbell. It doesn't matter what other people do (although I doubt if many allow this, I certainly don't). His friends and family have no right to enter your home either, just as he is perfectly within his rights to stop you from entering his. Do you have friends or family who can support you in setting these boundaries?

You have done so well to get away from him and in setting these boundaries. You need to risk upsetting people if they won’t stay away from your home - his family and friends should see the children in his time unless specifically invited and they aren’t your responsibility.

OP, this is ifficult but what you have to understand is that just becuase you have split up, does not mean he is no longer abusing you. He is abusing you now. He is using manipulation, and guilt, and your own desire to have a positive/healthy/recipricol co-parenting relationship for the sake of your DC against you. I am 100% certain that alongside the abuse you already recognise from when you were together, there were likely many other similar situations to this where he convinced you to do something you did not want to do or did not feel comfortable by telling you that it was normal, or that if you disagreed you were being cruel/unloving/insert whatever term he likes.

The very sad thing about this is that I am so certain about this becuase this situation is almost identical to my SIL. It really is a playbook.

Please please please listen to me and all the other posters on here who will tell you that his demands are unreasonable. YOu do not have to facilitate any of this.

But, I must warn you so you are prepared, the more you hold your boundaries, the more he will punish you by using your child. You absolutely must refuse to allo whim and his friends/family to visit your child in your home, but be prepared, he will then stop seeing your child and will claim it is YOUR fault.

Any rational, normal person knows that is not true.

But he is not a rational normal person. And any friends he still has are either equally irrational or, mor elikely, he is lying to them too.

This.

There's no way on earth he'd be getting a key to my house, the ring doorbell access or visiting with his family and friends. If he wants them to see dc he does it in his time and in his space.

But I would do the father's day card, for DC's benefit. Make sure you use a fuck-tonne of glitter.