Dh been caught out and trying to hide it or am I mad?!?!

[girlmum1999]

Situation -
a random girl has added me on Facebook, I saw that she has liked some of dh posts so I thought she was someone he knew so added her. I then saw on her page that he had been liking her posts. I then asked him about her to which he said straight away why what has she said. I said nothing howcome and he replied funny story but I messaged her to see if she was being loyal to my friend as they have recently started talking. He then said I have blocked her on everyone now tho as she pointed out I had a partner and a child.

dh has then rang his friend and before the phone call has stated I bet his says ….. and when on the phone his friend said the exact thing word for word which dh has told me what he would say then friend said I need to go which is not like him. Dh has admitted to talking to his friend about this while I have been in the house however has hid it by saying that he is showing him the garden furniture. I asked dh when did this start he said 3 days ago so I said well why not tell me if it was fake and you was just doing it to see if she is talking to other people. Just to clarify dh’s friend is not in any sort of relationship with this girl.

I asked dh if he had complimented the girl and told her if she’s good looking he said he couldn’t remember exactly what he said but he probably did. I have expressed to dh that this has really annoyed me that he has been saying this to another woman but he can never compliment me and in the day he hardly messages me, so it makes me question when has he been messaging her, through the day while at work, at home when I’m there, it has really upset me.

aibu for thinking deeply into this, It just doesn’t add up but if I said anything he’ll just say you don’t trust me but it’s weird.

when I have spoken to dh’s friend in the past, he was trying to chat up one of my friends I stated that she most likely isn’t interest as she is talking to other people however he stated he isn’t bothered and is just looking for a good time, so why the sudden change of heart with this woman he hardly knows.

dh has also said that he doesn’t have the messages, surely you’d keep them and show myself?

I just think its bizarre not to tell my and for me to find out by her adding me on Facebook and me having to ask if he knows her.

im not saying I don’t trust him I just do not believe the situation makes sense. Am I going mad?!?!
do I message the girl and ask?!??

Don’t bother messaging the girl, it won’t matter what she says, he will have an answer for it.

He lied, and what is even more mental to me is that he had the audacity to ask someone else to lie for him. He could have come clean, begged for forgiveness and put in the work, instead he tried to get away with it.

There are two kinds of cheats, those who regret it and realise it shouldn’t have happened, and those who are just upset that they got caught out and will deny it.

kick him out

It shouldn’t be. It’s so obvious that he’s cheated or has tried to cheat.

Nothing is making sense? Err, yes it is - its clear as day he is lying. He’s either already sleeping with her, or wants to/is planning to. You quite rightly don’t trust him, because he isn’t trustworthy! I’d message the girl and ask what’s going on for starters.

You don't trust him because he's not trustworthy. Your gut knows this. You know this. HE knows this even though he's trying to gaslight you to the contrary.

If you don't trust him, just end it.

He has been trying to cheat on you with her, at minimum.

Do you mean a girl, like a child?
or do you mean a woman?

He might have sent her an old photo of him in the gym. I’d trust what she is saying over him to be honest.

He’s not been chatting her up to test if she’s loyal to his friend (who she isn’t even with - why on earth would he need get in touch to test her?!). He’s hit on her, she’s pointed out he has a partner and baby and then he’s blocked her in a panic.

What did you ask her?

The suspicion that my husband is lying to me, would cripple me.

I 'm assuming she is a single woman and clearly instigated contact with you because he was chatting her up and she was suspicious of him. She sounds decent.

I would message her and tell her you are his wife and you have a 5mth old baby and you are now concerned that your husband is TRYING to mess around and that he has told you a tale to explain the contact. Tell her this is not her responsibility as he is the married one and she kindly befriended you so presumably she had some suspicions he was married and you would like to hear her side and ask if she would give you screen shots of the exchange. Tell her you are sorry to bother her in this way but what your husband is saying doesn't ring true and you need to know if he is lying because in some respects, the not knowing is worse than having the proof, as you will always doubt him.

If she provides you information that shows he has actively being trying to start a "friendship" with another woman. You need to sit down and think about this carefully because if you let it go, without at the very least firing a warning shot at him...it will continue in time.

Sit back and consider your relationship, there will be big changes as you now have a baby and some couples struggle with the change in the dynamics but not wanting to sound too brutal...its only been 5 months and he is potentially wandering already.

Only you know if you can cope with this but think about your child. The old fashioned view is stick together as its for the benefit of your baby. The modern view is that this is no environment to bring a child up in, one of deceit, lack of trust etc.

If she confirms he has tried to wander, at the very least you need to challenge him. Wait for a quiet night, maybe get a babysitter so its just you and him and ask him to go through it all again, how and why he made contact with her? Listen to what he says, don't interrupt with your opinion, only interrupt to clarify stuff. Then tell him you have corresponded with the woman concerned and she has sent you copies of everything and (presumably) she knows nothing of his mate but don't tell him what you have seen. I would then tell him to think about what he has done and the lies he has told. And then I would tell him its not acceptable to treat you or his child this way. Don't tell him what you are going to do...ask him what HE is going to do and then make your decision based on his reply.

Good luck OP, don't let him tell you ihat he felt lonely as you were concentrating on the baby. Life has changed vastly for you too and you haven't started chatting odd men up!

Big Hugs

Did you ask her when he sent the picture? Ask to see the picture?

Don’t be a mug.

What annoys me more than anything in this situation is the way he’s insulted your intelligence by making the biggest crock of shit up to cover his tracks. Hope you’re ok, this must be a terrible shock!

He's absolutely full of shit OP. You know this really.

I couldn’t understand most of that.

Your DH has been seeing how far he can go with this!

Mate he’s guilty as sin. She has told him she is going to tell you and he has worked out an alibi with his pal. He’s just not as good an actor as he thinks .

If it doesn’t make sense it’s because part of the story is missing.

It is highly likely your husband is a cheat sadly. They are ten a penny and follow the same script when cheating/caught.

It is likely he was sniffing around this young woman and maybe she has had the common sense to check if he’s a cheating weasel. And sure enough he is. In my teens and 20s I was regularly approached by cheating weasels - all the same sad story lines, all looking for a secret shag. All sly and unattractive.

He may well have a saved gym weasel photo saved in his phone (secret photo section possibly) that he uses to woo women.

Sorry op - do you have friends and family you can speak to?

She sounds like a good egg by the way

He's lying, that's why his whole story sounds bollox - because it is! Either he's slept with her or he plans too.

Ask her.

If it walks like a duck quacks like a duck…..

She's added you to see if his side of his bullshit adds up. He's lied he's not with you, or the old "we're separated, separate bedrooms" crap and she's fact checking.

The reason it makes no sense is that we often hold people accountable to our own standards. As in, no one could be this low, you could never be this low, so it must be something else. Testament to what a decent person you are that your mind can't compute what is actually happening because your mind can't comprehend everything behaving like this.

He's looking for an affair at least. Already having one at worst.

Occams razor says that when considering two explanations, you should assume the more obvious one is the factual one.

Oh come on. I voted YABU because this is just so obviously BS and the friend drafted in to lie for him is clearly uncomfortable with it. No grown man messages his friend’s new love interest to test her loyalty, they aren’t 12. Really sorry though OP I hope you and your baby will be okay.