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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh been caught out and trying to hide it or am I mad?!?!

106 replies

girlmum1999 · 13/06/2025 02:09

Situation -
a random girl has added me on Facebook, I saw that she has liked some of dh posts so I thought she was someone he knew so added her. I then saw on her page that he had been liking her posts. I then asked him about her to which he said straight away why what has she said. I said nothing howcome and he replied funny story but I messaged her to see if she was being loyal to my friend as they have recently started talking. He then said I have blocked her on everyone now tho as she pointed out I had a partner and a child.

dh has then rang his friend and before the phone call has stated I bet his says ….. and when on the phone his friend said the exact thing word for word which dh has told me what he would say then friend said I need to go which is not like him. Dh has admitted to talking to his friend about this while I have been in the house however has hid it by saying that he is showing him the garden furniture. I asked dh when did this start he said 3 days ago so I said well why not tell me if it was fake and you was just doing it to see if she is talking to other people. Just to clarify dh’s friend is not in any sort of relationship with this girl.

I asked dh if he had complimented the girl and told her if she’s good looking he said he couldn’t remember exactly what he said but he probably did. I have expressed to dh that this has really annoyed me that he has been saying this to another woman but he can never compliment me and in the day he hardly messages me, so it makes me question when has he been messaging her, through the day while at work, at home when I’m there, it has really upset me.

aibu for thinking deeply into this, It just doesn’t add up but if I said anything he’ll just say you don’t trust me but it’s weird.

when I have spoken to dh’s friend in the past, he was trying to chat up one of my friends I stated that she most likely isn’t interest as she is talking to other people however he stated he isn’t bothered and is just looking for a good time, so why the sudden change of heart with this woman he hardly knows.

dh has also said that he doesn’t have the messages, surely you’d keep them and show myself?

I just think its bizarre not to tell my and for me to find out by her adding me on Facebook and me having to ask if he knows her.

im not saying I don’t trust him I just do not believe the situation makes sense. Am I going mad?!?!
do I message the girl and ask?!??

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 13/06/2025 12:51

It's entirely possible that he's not slept with this woman BUT he's definitely been trying to and has got his mate to lie for him.

So sorry OP, it's unforgivable at any time but when you have a small baby it's particularly cruel. Just the fact he's complimented this woman but has never complimented you is bad enough and would seriously have me thinking about any sort of future with him as he does not appear to have any respect or affection for you.

IberianBlackout · 13/06/2025 12:54

He’s cheating or getting ready to cheat.

That’s it. Mystery solved.

Katheclepto · 13/06/2025 12:56

He’s cheating on you.
Tell him you know and get rid.
Prick! Topless pic could have been old one.

SlightlyJaded · 13/06/2025 12:58

I don't think it's confusing at all OP.

Your H thinks she's fit and has been trying to start something with her.
He has messaged her and sent her a topless picture - whether it was taken two weeks ago or a month ago is completely irrelevant.
She has or hasn't met up with him, but he is definitely the pursuer
You caught him
He roped his mate in to cover his cock and bull story
Mate agreed to 'pretend' he was talking to this woman but DH gallantly offered to 'test her loyalty' by flirting with her to see if she reacted.

Read that again.

Especially the last bit.
An adult man is talking to a new person on facebook. He has only been talking to her for a few days, but recruits his friend to try and lay a honey-trap to check out if she would have her head turned. It's so ridiculous that I'm cross you are even entertaining it.

Facts are pretty simple.
You have a new born
He is looking elsewhere

It's shit and I'm sorry OP. But this is all depressingly common behaviour.

Userengage · 13/06/2025 13:06

None of this makes sense?

It really does. Most of the time, the obvious answer is the correct one. He’s either cheating, has cheated or is trying to. That woman has been kind enough to give you proof of that however, you, unsurprisingly, do not want to accept it, probably as you have a young child. You need to decide if you want your life to continue in this vein of cheating and distrust and have some more children, thus tying yourself more firmly to this liar OR drop this lowlife and have a more fruitful, stress-free life with your baby.

TheHappyBug · 13/06/2025 13:07

SlightlyJaded · 13/06/2025 12:58

I don't think it's confusing at all OP.

Your H thinks she's fit and has been trying to start something with her.
He has messaged her and sent her a topless picture - whether it was taken two weeks ago or a month ago is completely irrelevant.
She has or hasn't met up with him, but he is definitely the pursuer
You caught him
He roped his mate in to cover his cock and bull story
Mate agreed to 'pretend' he was talking to this woman but DH gallantly offered to 'test her loyalty' by flirting with her to see if she reacted.

Read that again.

Especially the last bit.
An adult man is talking to a new person on facebook. He has only been talking to her for a few days, but recruits his friend to try and lay a honey-trap to check out if she would have her head turned. It's so ridiculous that I'm cross you are even entertaining it.

Facts are pretty simple.
You have a new born
He is looking elsewhere

It's shit and I'm sorry OP. But this is all depressingly common behaviour.

Exactly this.

OP - He's up to no good and got caught out. Rarely do people get caught out the one and only time they do something wrong, more likely she is one of many girls.

ginasevern · 13/06/2025 13:09

pikkumyy77 · 13/06/2025 02:11

? Don’t be married to someone you don’t trust.

I see this all the time on Mumsnet and it's a totally meaningless comment. You can trust someone until your head explodes but how does that stop them cheating or stealing or running away to join the circus? One person's unshakeable belief holds no sway over someone else's choices or the many twists and turns of life in general.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 13/06/2025 13:12

she's a good egg. your OH is a knob.
please ask her for screenshots - then you have factual evidence and you can have a serious think about what your future holds then.

Marble10 · 13/06/2025 13:14

A simple hey do I know you is needed here …

DontTouchRoach · 13/06/2025 13:18

You asked him if he had told this woman she looked good and he said “Probably, I can’t remember”? Yeah, right.

I am absolutely not one of those Mumsnetters who says “omg always trust your gut, if he’s liked someone’s picture / had his hair cut / blinked differently, he’s cheating” and I’m also not someone who is unduly bothered by partners having female friends etc, but your husband’s behaviour is really fishy. He might not have done anything with this woman but he’s certainly tried to.

Sulking · 13/06/2025 13:18

If he wanted to play a childish game with his mate; he would have said to you “Hey DW, Friend wants me to message this girl to see if she’s being loyal.. what should I say and are you happy for me to do that?”

but he didn’t, so he either doesn’t respect you; or and I suspect most likely; he’s lying, is a coward, also still doesn’t respect you and will if he hasn’t already, cheat on you.

StooOrangeyForCrows · 13/06/2025 13:36

Sdpbody · 13/06/2025 10:24

Ahh this is normally their MO.

Man isn't getting attention at home. Man is pathetic. Man finds young woman attractive. Man is weak.

Show quote history

I agree with this. This is around about the time they feel they are not getting enough attention as they are emotional pygmies themselves.

Utterly pathetic.

booboo24 · 13/06/2025 13:39

I'm sorry OP, but it makes total sense, and you are just desperately (& understandbly) trying not to see it. It IS clear though. He's tried it on with her and she has let you know, good on her. Don't be fooled by his lies, he is just grasping at anything to get you to believe him. I'm truly sorry, I know this is dreadful, but don't put yourself through years of mistrust because this won't be the first time, or sadly the last, that he'll pull this kind of stunt. He's well and truly been caught out this time

pictoosh · 13/06/2025 13:56

"he replied funny story but I messaged her to see if she was being loyal to my friend"

Unless he's a 13 year old girl, he's lying. Imo.

His story is a mish mash of pish. Again, imo.

OchreRaven · 13/06/2025 14:08

He’s trying to cheat on you. This will not be the first time either. He’s too cocky about it. Asking to pick her up when she barely knows him.

He obviously sent an old pic which he thinks he looks hot in.

You are lucky she has morals and integrity because he has none.

He won’t change. He doesn’t respect you and he thinks only about himself. So do you accept the behaviour and turn a blind eye or kick him out?

TheHouseElf · 13/06/2025 14:21

He is not committed to you, and at a bare minimum is putting feelers out to try and cheat on you. You've seen it now.

Even if you allow him to weasel out of it this time, it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again. He's shown you who he is - you know you deserve better. Don't let him do this to you.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 13/06/2025 14:23

He’s spouting more bullshit than a cattle market my love….x

Wednesdayisme · 13/06/2025 14:23

Complete BS

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/06/2025 14:28

@girlmum1999 lies never make sense! Sorry op but you’re not making much sense either .
So you have now messaged the female ?
Id ask her to please tell you the truth. Your not mad at her but if she has been spending time /sleeping with your dh you want to know so you can make decsisons about your relationship.
Either way op I’d be throwing him out .
He either cheated or wants too.
No respect for you and tbh he sounds like a creep .

5128gap · 13/06/2025 14:33

You partner has been chasing the other woman and this included asking her if she was faithful to his friend to check if she'd be up for it with him. She went on FB to check him out, found you and told him no. He's now invented the story that he was just checking on his friends behalf.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 13/06/2025 14:43

Rewritten in a legible format. Sorry OP, I couldn’t make head nor tail of the original!

A random girl added me on Facebook. I saw that she had liked some of DH’s posts, so I thought she was someone he knew and added her back. I then noticed on her page that he had been liking her posts as well.
I asked him about her, and he immediately said, “Why, what has she said?” I responded, “Nothing, how come?” He replied, “Funny story, but I messaged her to see if she was being loyal to my friend, as they have recently started talking.” He then said, “I’ve blocked her on everything now though, as she pointed out that I had a partner and a child.”
DH then called his friend. Before the call, he said, “I bet he says…” and during the call, his friend said the exact same thing word for word. Then his friend suddenly said, “I need to go,” which is unusual for him.
DH admitted to having spoken to his friend about this while I was in the house, but he hid it by saying he was showing him the garden furniture. When I asked DH when this all started, he said three days ago. So I asked, “Well, why didn’t you tell me if it was fake and you were just doing it to see if she’s talking to other people?”
Just to clarify: DH’s friend is not in any kind of relationship with this girl.
I asked DH if he had complimented her or told her she was good-looking. He said he couldn’t remember exactly what he said, but he probably did. I’ve told him how much this annoys me — that he can say things like that to another woman but can’t even compliment me. He barely messages me during the day, so it makes me wonder when he had time to be messaging her — during work? At home, when I’m there? It really upsets me.
AIBU (Am I being unreasonable) for thinking deeply into this? It just doesn’t add up. But if I bring it up, he’ll just say, “You don’t trust me.” Still, it’s weird.
When I’ve spoken to DH’s friend in the past, he tried chatting up one of my friends. I told him she probably wasn’t interested as she was talking to other people, but he said he wasn’t bothered and was just looking for a good time. So why the sudden “concern” about this girl he barely knows?
DH also said he doesn’t have the messages. Surely, if it was innocent, he’d keep them and show me?
I just think it’s bizarre that he didn’t tell me — and that I only found out because she added me on Facebook and I had to ask if he knew her.
I’m not saying I don’t trust him. I just don’t believe the situation makes sense.

Am I going mad?! NO
Do I message the girl and ask?! You could do, but the main issue is your DH behaviour…

Badgerandfox227 · 13/06/2025 14:59

I’d ask her to see you any copies or evidence of things. Then I think I’d be walking out of your relationship with your partner/DH

Happyher · 13/06/2025 15:14

I think you and he should just delete Facebook

JFDIYOLO · 13/06/2025 15:27

You're not going mad.

Of course it makes sense.

Wife has baby.

Husband feels no longer centre of universe and is pouting about it.

He starts sniffing around.

His friend covers for him.

It is exactly what it looks like.

Sad accounts we've seen over and over and over again here.

I'd have a proper frank conversation with her. Keep it polite and controlled but just find out what he's been saying and doing.

And get it in writing because the 'you're crazy / she's crazy ' narrative will then start.

Whatbloodysummer · 13/06/2025 15:33

Of course it makes sense OP !

Of course he was just doing it for a friend....

Of course that friend has had a complete personality transplant and is suddenly, inexplicably overly interested in the 'loyalty' of a girl he's never even met...

Of course you should believe every single word your DH says, despite him coming up with a clearly quickly thought up 'reason', which doesn't make any sense whatsoever to you, and despite him obviously coaching his mate on what to say before you could ask him about it...

Of course the woman is going to lie through her teeth about knowing your DH's friend, because obviously, she's just a liar, despite her having zero reasons to lie to you...

Of course your DH must be upset at you for doubting his honesty and fidelity, because obviously, he's done nothing 'wrong', so he's going to accuse YOU of not trusting him...

OP, if you can't see the wood for the trees, or you willfully ignore the facts before you, you're going to be hurt again, and again, and again by your 'D'H, because he won't change, he'll just get more practiced at hiding it...