To dislike it when people shorten my child’s name?

[Sleepingqueen]

Before anyone has a go I know that this is trivial.

My child has a very common name that can easily be shortened. Imagine Thomas, Daniel, Oliver.

We don’t ever shorten his name, he doesn’t like it to be, it doesn’t suit him so we stick to his full name.

I know that people will always shorten it, but when family do it for some reason it irritates me. It feels like they’re referring to someone else.

I have a long name that can be shortened and it really doesn’t bother me because I’ve always shortened it, it just doesn’t suit ds.

There was a thread yesterday about name pronunciations which turned to a similar question to this.

I think it’s all about choice and familiarity. I’ve a 6 letter name that is often shortened to a 4 letter name and sometimes a 2 letter one, and really some just call me by my first initial if they want. I like all of them except my full name. Actually I’m now coming round to that.

But all those abbreviations were ones introduced by close friends and which I then held onto. I chose to use them. I never much cared for the long version, and it got to that the only person who used it was my mother. My mother was difficult and rather scary and so I still have to stop myself jumping and thinking I’m being told off whenever someone uses it.

My mother used to say, ‘—- is your name, I chose that and that’s what should be used’. Yes… but it’s my name now, and I should be able to choose by what I wish to be known.

That said, my point on the previous post was an argument against those strangers that randomly decide to call you something else. I’ve a colleague I had to tackle who is constantly shortening people’s names (even in correspondence). He started referring to someone called ‘Bob’ and it took me a while to realise he meant our (rather stern and very ‘proper’ CEO) Robert, whom I doubt has never been referred to as Bob my anyone. i asked my colleague if Robert had asked to be called Bob, and my colleague said, ‘oh, no, I was just being friendly’. I mean even if Robert doesn’t mind a shorter version of his name there are several alternatives and he might hate Bob!

I would say that at 8 your son is getting to a point when he can decide what version of his name to use, but needs your support in that. You say he likes the full version, and so you are perfectly right to help him ask others to use it. But over time he may decide that he quite likes the version of his name his friends sometimes shorten it to.

For this very reason I did not use 'Alexandra' (not sure if it is your DD's name). I do not like Alex for a girl (fine on a boy).
I loath nicknames.

I'm afraid your son has a lifetime of this ahead of him and there is nothing you or he can do about it.

I'm in my 70s. I have a longish but very common name that can be shortened to one syllable (which I hate). Total strangers have unilaterally shortened it all my life. I will introduce myself to someone new by my (full) name for the first time and they will start shortening it literally within seconds

I appreciate that people think they are being friendly when they do this, so I try not to mind. But if I say, in a very polite, friendly way, that I prefer to be called by my full name, people often react as if I am being rude.

My name is not unusual or difficult to pronounce so why are people so resistant to using it, even when asked nicely?

Far from getting used to it, I am actually finding it more and more irritating as I get older. Grumpy old woman? Who, me?

No, but similar idea.
I have absolutely no issues with names being shortened if the person who the name belongs to is happy with it. In fact I specifically chose names with at least 2 recognised shortenings, so my girls had some control over what they are called, they are the ones who have to live with it their whole life, not us. But if someone wants to be called by their whole name, or 1 shortening rather than another people should respect that.

I have a name with no recognised shortenings, but people still try, which is really annoying, as they sounds ridiculous

One of mine hates having his name shortened as it's not his name. I do find it odd that I say this is David and people say back hi Dave. Not what I just said! I feel the need to uphold his preference, but wouldn't if he was happier to use the short version.

I think don't pick a name with a common shortening that you don't like, eg don't choose Stephen if you hate Steve.

My brother and SIL did this, spent his whole childhood saying 'no it's Stephen' and getting irate. I've been drummed into Stephen now and can't say anything else, but if course, nephew is an adult now and is Steve to everyone and actually doesn't like Stephen!

Just chill out about it.

Your son has probably picked up the behaviour from you if you don’t like it shorten. Not a big deal but people will call him a short version of his name whether he or you like it.

This. He’s 8 so he better start getting prepared now.

People do this to me and it’s absolutely rude. It should not be necessary for me to correct them because if I provide my name, that is clearly the name I want used.

we intentionally gave dc a name that can’t be shortened for this very reason.

It seems a very mumsnet thing to shorten a perfectly good name but I personally don't like it. My name is 2 syllables and most people use that name, and it is my name. Occasionally people who hardly know me shorten it, which is annoying. Trouble is, it can be tricky to ask them to use the full name without it seeming petty.

We did choose our sons' names bearing shortenings in mind but DS 2 has a name which is almost always shortened and he kind of gave up. He's still known by the full name in the family though; the short version just seems like another person to me.

Stick to your guns @Sleepingqueen

I’d hate it too - because it’s not his name! I know someone called Dave who has always been called Dave. I presume his first name is David but I’ve never heard anyone call him that. On the other hand, my friend’s DH is called David. Always David, never Dave. They’re like two different names in a way, and it would be really weird to hear someone call David Dave.

People do this to one of my DC too. It’s like they just use a general name not the actual name. Called Thomas, oh you must be Tom then. My DC is a name like Charlotte and is always called Charlotte, never shortened, yet some TAs insist on calling her Charlie. I think they think they’re being friendly or cool or something. I actually asked the school to stop it as it was upsetting DC as it wasn’t her name and she felt like they were talking about someone else and didn’t know her.

TLDR - just tell them, OP.

Always baffled when people say it will happen get use to it or it’s not a big deal.
It’s plain rude to call someone a shortened version of their name when they have given their full name.

I’ve had this all my life. My name can be shortened using either beginning or end of it. A bit like Jonathan can be Jon or Nathan. People always shorten it to the first half which I detest but my family always called me by the second half which I’m fine with. It took me till I was a confident adult to be able to say to people who shortened it incorrectly ‘that’s not my name’ quite firmly and give them my full name.

Do this for your son and encourage him to say the same

I get the opposite where people assume my name is shortened and ask me what my ‘actual’ name is. I once went to Boots for an eye examination and when I said ‘I’m X, I have an appointment at 3’ she responded by telling me she needed my real name because the glasses prescription is a legal document. I was like yes, X and she said ‘no, your full name’ - i just whipped out my driving licence and showed her and she said ‘oh, right ok, because you know if it wasn’t your real name…’ I was absolutely stuck for words.

Firstly, you speak to your DS and make extremely clear that he is absolutely entitled to say "no, my name is [full name]" or, when they say "Tommy" say "Thomas". Teach him polite but firm phrases.

Secondly, when it is said to you - you do the same and, if you hear someone ignore his request, you step in and advocate for him.

It is his name and his identity. Frankly, I couldn't care less whether you prefer it shortened or not - it is his name and he is old enough to choose - and he has chosen. It is a violation of his boundaries to continue to refer to him by a name that is not his name - it is rude. I don't allow people to be rude to my child any more than I'd allow my child to be rude to other people.

Treat it exactly how you would treat them calling him an entirely different name. If he's Jacob and they call him "Jake", respond as if they called him "Leo" - it's simply not his name.

I think it’s a case of get over it. All three of my boys have very shortenable, traditional names. Throughout their lives they’ve each been called numerous versions of their name…think Benjamin, Ben, Benjy. By different people and at different times. I fully knew that would be the case and made my peace with it…you can’t control other people, only your own reaction. I call them all by their full name and like that it’s only me that does it…when they play sport the other parents laugh at me shouting it out. They do actually all just get called by their surname now by all their sports friends and coaches, which I didn’t predict! And my eldest has a completely left of field nickname too. Let it go or you’ll go mad!

Where it gets tricky (as the name caller) is when you know numerous people of the same name but go by different shortenings or not. If you don't have time to think you sort of grasp for the one you're most used to saying. 😬

I used to have a manager called David, there were also several daves that worked there . Manager David was often addressed as Dave and corrected it every time. Someone would go ‘ Dave, can I have Friday off’ and he would say “it’s David , and no’ every single time. It took fucking ages but eventually we all got it. I either you or your ds need to do this. “Tom do you want an ice cream” ? “It’s Thomas and yes with a flake” every time.

I have a short name and people lengthen mine for me 🤣. My parents gave me my name so it could not be shortened. They did not account for people lengthening it instead.

British people seem pathologically incapable of using a person’s full name. I absolutely hate it. People try and shorten my name all the time and it drives me nuts.

This is why both my kids have one syllable names!

Sorry your son doesn’t like it. I actually think to insist on calling someone by something they’ve told you they don’t like is really disrespectful.

I don’t get why people do this, it’s just plain rude. It’s his name, he gets to choose what version of it he wants to use. Keep correcting people. We’re the other way round, DD prefers the shortened version of her name. I’ve had to email several teachers to explain this. They all took it on board and used the short version in the register. As a teacher myself, if I notice a child using a shortened version of what’s on the register I’ll ask them what they would prefer me to call them. I don’t understand how anyone thinks it’s acceptable to decide to call someone by a different name to the one that person has told them to use, it’s their name for goodness sake, they get to decide.

This thread makes me feel very glad that all my DC have names that can't be shortened. People messing about with their names would have driven me nuts.

Exactly. Basic manners to call people by the name they say.

Tells me the person doing it is disrespectful and lazy. Ime, said people don’t like when they’re called a shortened version of their name.

DS1 & DS2 names can’t be shortened and DD1 could be but no one would without sounding ridiculous and no one knowing who they’re talking about.

But that's just rude if uninvited.
Absolutely fine, if Joseph wishes to be called Joe, or Alexandra wants to be Alex, but it's not at all polite to just assume that's how someone wants to be addressed, regardless of the intent.
If OPs child wants to go by their full name then that's what people should use.
I'd be taking the approach that If people don't use the right name, they don't get a response.

I never ever shorten anyone’s name unless I hear them (or parent) do it first.

Just keep using his full name.

It’s fine for him to tell people ‘my name is xxx’ too.