to not believe in unconditional love

[ZippyPeer]

My love for friends and any partner is entirely contingent on them treating me with respect and me in general finding them interesting and enjoyable to be around (of course people have off days/weeks/times, but the overall vibe is positive).

My love for my child I just also feel is finite like if they behave consistently badly I just wouldn't want to be around them and wouldn't have warm feelings towards them... I imagine I'd still think about them but not sure it would feel or seem like love...I don't want to sacrifice everything for them and tbh would only want them around if they had a positive or neutral affect on my life.

Do other people feel this way or is this a me problem?

No. The love for my children I think feels definitely unconditional. No one else though. I would do anything for them.

There is nothing on earth that would make me stop loving my child. He could do things that disappoint me, yes, but I'd never stop loving him.

I agree with you about friends and relatives.

Not about my kids though - even if they are painful some days / weeks / years, I have to keep on. I have said “I will always love you - unless you murder your sibling” - it would take something seismic for me to walk away from my child.

OP, I agree.

I do kind of see where you are coming from. I realise that now I have adult children that although I do love them unconditionally (and I really do) sometimes I can easily envisage not seeing them again if they continue to behave in painful ways. It hurts and I don’t like the pain. Little kids are far easier to love usually. I think until you have adult children you don’t really know.

Unconditional love is ONLY for children (and, arguably, pets) because they need it as part of a healthy development while they can't be responsible for all their own actions.

Everybody else, you'd be a fool to love unconditionally. People fuck you over, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. People do bad things, some are actually bad people. Love adults conditionally.

I agree with you.
I thought I had unconditional love for my children, but as an adult one of them did something that I thought was so dreadful and unforgivable that after that my love for them simply disappeared.

I agree with the partner/ friends thing but not my children. My love for them is primal and completely unconditional. I might be terribly hurt by their behaviour and not like them but I could never not love them.

If he has a sibling - if he murdered his sibling? Or worse. You’d still love him?

I can imagine (in a very different life) reaching a point where it would be better not to see ds, but I can't imagine not loving him.

My dc committed a terrible crime. I still love them but haven't had them in my life for over half of theirs..
And that's the way it will always be..
Estranged but still loved..

I agree with you OP

I don’t love anyone else except my children and my husband. I like my friends a lot but wouldn’t say I love them.

I could totally not love my husband if he cheated etc… that love would disappear in an instant but I adore my children and that’s unconditional. I would do anything for them and I love them so much that I can’t imagine ever not feeling this way.

I love my husband, but yes if he did something unforgivable I can see that love could disappear. I don't have kids, but I believe my love for my dogs is unconditional. There is nothing they could do that would change that. But in terms of actual humans, there is no one I love unconditionally.

No, my love for my children, siblings, and parents is unconditional. My Dad has been hard to love over the years due to alcoholism but even when I wasn’t speaking to him I still loved him, and I will always forgive him for things. I love my children the most and if I had to choose it will always be them. If one of my children did something terrible I would turn them in (probably) but I would still visit them in prison and love them the same.

The cat though… she’s the one I would go to war for. I’d invade and conquer far away lands for that cat.

I think even love for children could be conditional in some circumstances. I’ve read on MN loads of times where parents are at the end of their tether with addiction, behavioural issues, estrangement or just rude piss taking adult children where the love is wearing thin…

I kind of agree. I love unconditionally but there is only so many times you can be let down and it's ok to have boundaries

Oh my god, I totally believe in unconditional love. I am an older person (59) my little sister (56) could literally do anything and I would support and love her. Anything.
i might disapprove, but I have and will have loved her my whole life. Unconditionally.

My granny once said to me, that even if one of her sons murdered some one, she would still love them

My immediate family and DC, I love unconditionally. I have been poorly treated by a parent and a sibling and not liked them, in the case of sibling, still don’t particularly like them. But underneath all that, I love them very much. DC I love without question, depending on what they do, I could stop liking them, there is nothing they could do which would stop me loving them.

partner, friends etc… that is conditional and depends how I am treated, I give back the energy I receive and don’t tolerate being poorly treated.

I don't feel that way. I think really shit behaviour makes you dislike the behaviour and to an extent the person. But love is bigger than that.

It's a gutteral thing - gut wrenching feeling of missing someone. And an ability to drag yourself to do something for that person that you didn't think possible or wanted to do. And desire to go to their aide when they are suffering, or being able to laugh at things about them that aren't particularly attractive, or see the best in them at their worst.

And sometimes it's only defined when it's missing or gone.

It isn't tolerating abuse though. It does require reciprocation. But I don't think it ever dies, it gets transformed. As the law of thermodynamics goes, energy cannot be destroyed.

I don't believe in unconditional love, because i didnt have a loving family.

My dad abandoned me. I thought "if my own dad doesnt love me, then love doesnt exist"

Yeah this. Or SA a sibling or the commenter herself. It does happen.

of course love is conditional, unless you are a disgusting human who would accept your loved ones if they started murdering and raping, or child sex offending…I don’t believe people who say otherwise, they’re messed up

I sort of agree with you OP. I think no matter the relationship, there is a tipping point where a loved ones behaviour goes beyond what you can accept. For children of course that point is far beyond what you would accept from a brother or sister etc.

I am one of those weirdos who the only thing in this world that i loved totally and completely unconditionally was my dog. I suspect because he gave far more to me than I could have ever given to him, and he got a lot.