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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not believe in unconditional love

141 replies

ZippyPeer · 10/06/2025 23:24

My love for friends and any partner is entirely contingent on them treating me with respect and me in general finding them interesting and enjoyable to be around (of course people have off days/weeks/times, but the overall vibe is positive).

My love for my child I just also feel is finite like if they behave consistently badly I just wouldn't want to be around them and wouldn't have warm feelings towards them... I imagine I'd still think about them but not sure it would feel or seem like love...I don't want to sacrifice everything for them and tbh would only want them around if they had a positive or neutral affect on my life.

Do other people feel this way or is this a me problem?

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 11/06/2025 19:45

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 11/06/2025 19:27

I don’t understand your point. If they looked the same and acted the same but weren’t yours you wouldn’t care about them. So essentially you wouldn’t love a stranger? No argument there. I love my own children and I don’t give much of a hoot for other children no matter how much they resemble my own…
Isn’t that pretty much the definition and the whole point about parental love? Absolutely, fundamentally it’s a selfish love, I love my children because they’re mine. But I fail to see how that proves that the love I have for my children isn’t unconditional.

Don’t worry their post didn’t make sense to me either

ohdelay · 11/06/2025 19:45

I'm with you OP. There are different conditions and different tolerance levels, but I like myself and need to be treated well, otherwise I'm out.

tsmainsqueeze · 11/06/2025 19:55

I'm not asking you to tell us the 'situation' but as the mother of 2 adult sons i absolutely cannot imagine not loving them.
I am interested in how life evolves once you reach this conclusion , are you in a state of permanent worry , are they always on your mind ?
I am so sorry for you and any other parents this happens to , i am under no illusion and i know that life can change in the blink of an eye depending on someones actions.
I do believe in unconditional love but mainly towards animals ,babies ,young children , i hope my love continues as unconditional as my children age but being realistic who knows ?
I know for certain my love for my husband is absolutely conditional ,dependant on mutual respect ,trust ,kindness and all the other positives etc a relationship hopefully contains but do the opposite to me and that would be the end of it for certain.

Masmavi · 12/06/2025 00:34

Love for my children follows no such rules; everyone else yes.

Taytayslayslay · 12/06/2025 13:01

I don't love either of my parents. They are both awful humans and I have no contact with either and I'm happier for it. I feel nothing towards them, not love or hate just, emptiness.

Usernamenotavailable19 · 12/06/2025 13:04

Suflan · 11/06/2025 00:29

I watched a documentary.

A teenage boy killed his younger sister.

His mother still went to visit him in prison.

Was his name Paris?

BertSymptom · 12/06/2025 13:18

Is the expectation to love your children unconditionally thing a relatively modern concept? I ask because you hear a lot about people getting disowned or abandoned or treated horrifically for things like getting pregnant as a teenager in the 50s and 60s or being gay in the 80s.

I also think it must be dependent on culture. You hear about modern examples of honour killings and things.

I do hear those examples and think how could you treat your kids like that. I couldn’t. I’d love them regardless in those examples. But I just mean I don’t think it’s as biologically hard wired as people make out.

I certainly would have limits I think if they committed heinous crimes.

HRTQueen · 12/06/2025 13:25

my love for ds is unconditional. Its stronger than love its a bond that I feel can not be broken. And if he committed a terrible crime yes I would still love him, liking him or even feeling I hate him maybe but the love would still be there as I would rather be in pain than him in pain

everyone else its conditional and the love can change overtime

I think for my cats its been unconditional too

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 12/06/2025 13:28

My love for DH, my DSis and my friends is definitely conditional on them behaving like decent people.

My love for my parents? Yes, I think this is probably conditional as well though I'm not completely sure... my lovely parents have never really tested this!

My love for my dd? I'm pretty certain that there is nothing she could do that would enable me to switch it off completely. Of course, she could (in theory!) do something utterly awful which would fill me with shame / anger / sorrow / disappointment or whatever. Or she could just behave like a really annoying, selfish, nasty twat whose company I wouldn't enjoy. But I still cannot conceive of anything that she could that would just switch off that visceral love that you have for your child. I couldn't switch off caring about her. She is a part of me and we are bonded for life.

sharpenedroof · 12/06/2025 13:32

Love for everyone else - conditional

Love for my children, unconditional or effectively unconditional. They'll have to do something really extreme. Even then I think I may cut them out of my life if they did something terrible, but I imagine I would still grieve and love them. I might even still text them...

seanconneryseyebrow · 12/06/2025 17:23

My adult child did something u forgivable to me and to her siblings. I still do love her but I cut her off (she’s mid 20s) and I will never speak to her again. No one believes me when I say that but I know without doubt that I mean it. I’ve felt this way for 3 years. She reaches out regularly. I won’t ever forgive. But I can’t stop loving her. I am absolute 100 per cent sure I will never have a relationship with her again. It’s broken me but it is what it is.

Jerrypicker · 12/06/2025 18:35

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 11/06/2025 19:27

I don’t understand your point. If they looked the same and acted the same but weren’t yours you wouldn’t care about them. So essentially you wouldn’t love a stranger? No argument there. I love my own children and I don’t give much of a hoot for other children no matter how much they resemble my own…
Isn’t that pretty much the definition and the whole point about parental love? Absolutely, fundamentally it’s a selfish love, I love my children because they’re mine. But I fail to see how that proves that the love I have for my children isn’t unconditional.

What I meant actually is that there’s no unconditional love generally speaking. I believe humans are fundamentally incapable of it. You love your children, because they are yours…that’s a condition to begin with. Maybe I’m not wording it too well. But otherwise the closest thing to human unconditional love is a mother’s love for her children, I think we agree on that.

Extragreen · 29/11/2025 16:30

Buxusmortus · 10/06/2025 23:35

I agree with you.
I thought I had unconditional love for my children, but as an adult one of them did something that I thought was so dreadful and unforgivable that after that my love for them simply disappeared.

and absolutely no chance of ever rebuilding a relationship with your child @Buxusmortus ?

Crispus · 29/11/2025 16:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Extragreen · 29/11/2025 16:42

Even if one of my children did the most heinous thing one can imagine, I would still love them. I would visit them in prison. And they would have a room in my home if ever released.

It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be distraught, sickened, revolted, striken, devastated - I would be. Would my closeness with my child be negatively impacted? Unquestionably .

Would I still love them? Would I still stand beside them? Yes

ObelixtheGaul · 29/11/2025 17:29

I wonder if love possibly exists even if a child does something absolutely terrible whilst at the same time the parents can't forgive what they've done, or maintain contact? But the love, rather than being unconditional, as such, is based on who they were rather than who they are, and a hope that maybe that person they were, or you thought they were is still in there.

Maybe it's hopeful love. Maybe a belief they can't be all bad because you remember when they were a toddler giving you hugs (if that was the case). Then there might be guilt-"what did I do wrong?"

I don't know, never been in that situation, but maybe for some mothers, the love is simply a memory they hold that they can't let go? Of a child before the murder, or whatever, or of those moments, evening if fleeting, when little Johnny seemed like any other little boy.

I remember the parents of one of the Bulger boys saying they had no sign he'd do anything like this. I wonder if, particularly when a child is still young when they do an awful thing, it's really not that you love them no matter what they do, but that the love you have before they do it isn't so easily erased? I read somewhere that some parents in that situation feel like their child died. The love is still there, but it's for a person who isn't there any more.

Could be I have just waffled utter rubbish, but it's quite an interesting topic.

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