to not believe in unconditional love

[ZippyPeer]

My love for friends and any partner is entirely contingent on them treating me with respect and me in general finding them interesting and enjoyable to be around (of course people have off days/weeks/times, but the overall vibe is positive).

My love for my child I just also feel is finite like if they behave consistently badly I just wouldn't want to be around them and wouldn't have warm feelings towards them... I imagine I'd still think about them but not sure it would feel or seem like love...I don't want to sacrifice everything for them and tbh would only want them around if they had a positive or neutral affect on my life.

Do other people feel this way or is this a me problem?

God thats taking unconditional love too far

Once your dc become adults it’s so complicated.

its easy to say you will always have unconditional love for them when they are little

You might be surprised at the amount of parents who stand by their kids who murder or rape another family member. I’m interested in true crime so read about these cases and a lot mention similar instances from cases mentioned.

I'm not surprised at people who stand by their kids who have murdered someone. As ive read about lots of cases.

I am surprised at a woman who had her son attack her with an axe, so much that she lost an eye, still standing by her son

I think those who are saying that love for children is unconditional are either:

Not considering how extreme actions change things, or getting confused between loving them, and loving who they were.

In a hypothetical world where my son committed a truly awful and evil crime, I don't think I could love him - but I think I would always have love for who he was, for the son that existed before etc. But love for a rapist/murderer etc in the present? No.

I suspect the feelings are more "I will always love my little boy" - phrasing which shows that the parent can never not love their child, but it is inherently past tense, and not who that child is now.

I love my children unconditionally, one is extremely challenging but I love him completely. Two are adults and that love hasn’t changed.

I love my cats unconditionally, but that's about it lol

Its like people in the kink world who say they have no limits... Yes you do, you numpty.
Shall we get a chainsaw and chop your legs off? 😅

Aside from your children, steadfastly believing in unconditional love would be extremely unhealthy and open you up to all forms of abuse. In fact that's what abusers say "you should love me no matter what".

Boundaries and expectations are healthy and necessary. Also knowing that if someone breaks those boundaries, you have the capacity to love YOURSELF enough to walk away.

I love my children unconditionally. Even if they grew up to be evil murderers, I'd still love them (though I wouldn't like them).

There are lots of things I couldn't forgive. If they did something bad enough, I'm sure I'd hate them... but I'd still love them too.

There are conditions for everyone else though.

I want to believe in unconditional love but there are traits and behaviours that trigger a real revulsion for me. I don't know how it feel if someone I love displayed those things. Would I be able to separate the behaviour from the person or would it start to kill the love.

I love all my children unconditionally. No matter what they did i’d still love them, so yes, I do believe in unconditional love.

I've made it clear to my husband of 20 years that I do not love him unconditionally. We're together because he makes me happy, but if he stops making me happy, it's over.

I find this ' I will always all them stuff, no matter what heinous crime they commit' attitude a bit performative to be honest.

There will be many examples where you probably wouldn't, sibling on sibling crime is the best example.

I think if my child turned out to be a predatory paedophile the unconditional love thing wouldn't exist.

I find this ' I will always all them stuff, no matter what heinous crime they commit' attitude a bit performative to be honest

Me too. And no-one can know that to be true of themselves unless that love has been tested in some terrible way. So it's pointless to say it.

I think those saying unconditional love of a child, never failing etc etc are in the stage of life where the thought of not unconditionally loving your child feels impossible.

As adults, children can behave horrifically towards parents, at times forcing estrangement. I have never got to that point, but have been headed in that direction before. It is a worst case scenario, and is a nightmare to live. It's also impossible to imagine that, while one's children are younger.

Other forms of love are absolutely conditional.

Nope….there are times when my adult children make me feel shit….but my love for them never wavers. My partner can be a dick, and I can ‘not like him' for a while, but ultimately, I wouldn’t be without him, because I do love him deeply.

transactional love isn’t real love.

Nobody's said it's transactional. That would imply love being 'paid for' by some defined benefits. Come to think of it, many people do love on that basis and it's not for you or me to declare their love inauthentic.

Are you also saying you'd continue to love your partner after finding out he's a murderer, a people trafficker, a rapist or something? Or after he'd attacked you with the carving knife? If so, I think you're a dangerous idiot.

This.

I agree. I think anyone who continues to love their child unconditionally after a horrific crime is a feeble idiot.

I was taught, years ago, that unconditional love only applies to family. Partners will always be conditional, ie people stop loving partners for all sorts of reasons; affairs, DV, changing, weight gain, getting the ick, losing their job etc etc.

With my kids, parents and brothers I just love them and can’t see a time when I wouldn’t.

My love for my children is absolutely unconditional.

100% unconditional

I have found your description of love helpful,but I guess I can't imagine missing someone if you don't like them. Would it be just missing the parts or snapshots of them you do like?

How could you both hate and love someone at the same time?

I am not a feeble idiot thanks very much poster a bit up thread..
Quite angry at that accusation..
Walk in my shoes then decide that. Ignorant insults are disgusting..

I believe in unconditional love because thats how i love. I may dislike traits or behaviours but it doesnt change my love.

My love you my child is unconditional. Friends, partner, other family, not so much. My love for them is dependent upon their actions. My love for my children is not.

Parents possibly too might be somewhere close to unconditional - that’s a messy and complex though. My mother, for instance, treated me appallingly at times, her fury at my father leaving her channeled at me. Absolute rage. She said and did some awful things. And she was volatile so you were never safe in the moment as she might switch. I have said to others when talking about her that I don’t think I love my mother. That she broke that in me. However, she is now bed bound and with dementia, and recently took a turn for the worse and we were told she might have days left (months later she’s still hanging on!). At that point I started mourning something. Because for all the hard and bloody awful times, as with everything, there were good times too. Dancing on her feet while she sung to me; snuggling up on the sofa as a child. Perhaps there is residual love there, a thread that could never quite snap for all she did, because she was my mother. Or perhaps I was merely mourning what might have been, the potential that was there in our relationship and was never fully realised. Mourning the mother I nearly had.

But I do think (most of us) love our children unconditionally. I remember being struck with a thought recently, while watching Adolescence: while both scenarios are utterly awful - the absolute nightmare for a parent- would it be perhaps better to have a child killed than a child be a killer? At least when a child dies you are left with their memory unaffected by their future actions. Your ‘perfect’ and precious child frozen in time (my father, for instance lost his brother young. My grandparents idolised the dead child and vilified my father for daring to carry on and becoming a difficult teenager). If your child kills another child you then have to try and process that this person, who is the most wonderful and precious thing to you, has done something completely abhorrent. I still think that the love remains, only it is tainted by everything they have done. They break everything you ever thought you held sacred and certain.