to not believe in unconditional love

[ZippyPeer]

My love for friends and any partner is entirely contingent on them treating me with respect and me in general finding them interesting and enjoyable to be around (of course people have off days/weeks/times, but the overall vibe is positive).

My love for my child I just also feel is finite like if they behave consistently badly I just wouldn't want to be around them and wouldn't have warm feelings towards them... I imagine I'd still think about them but not sure it would feel or seem like love...I don't want to sacrifice everything for them and tbh would only want them around if they had a positive or neutral affect on my life.

Do other people feel this way or is this a me problem?

Children are meant to feel loved unconditionally. I actually think only having conditional love for your dc is a problem and something to maybe think about with a therapist, it really isn't ideal for their development.

I wish i was more like you, believe me!

I love my parents and my child unconditionally. I don't think anything would change that. I agree with you in terms of relationships, friends and extended family.

Even the love for your children is not actually unconditional. You love your children because they are yours. If they were the same exact children, with the same looks, same personality and character traits, but someone else’s children, you wouldn’t care about them.

Well yes, of course they should be loved unconditionally as children.

Recognising that the love might go should they commit the most heinous crimes as adults is not something you need to see a therapist for.

Everyone has a breaking point. It's just easy to say you don't have one when your children are young and your adult children aren't out there torturing others.

I didn't have unconditional love for my father like a lot of people say they have for their parents. For me, love is affection, respect, acceptance of who they are, care, connection and so on. The whole love is a verb resonates with me.

I don't feel any of that with my dad due to his behaviour. I have mixed emotions, but it's not actually love. I can't love an adult who I have none of those feelings for and don't actually see. It wasn't a quick process but that love did die.

Really? I'm not too sure I'd love mine if they went round bombing people, or raping kids etc

Ime unless you are in the situation you can't gauge your reaction...
My teen ds SA his small dsis..
I was the one to ring the police..
I attended court with dd.
I accepted I had lost my ds.
It was truly horrific but I can't say I don't love him. Unfortunately he will never know I still do.

Ugh.

I had an older brother and this also happened to me.

Older brothers are a danger to younger sisters. Women are not safe anywhere

I acted immediately.. I hope your family did too ^

Dd was believed by police and it went to court....
He pled guilty to lesser charges which meant dd didn't have to have her witness statement viewed...
The accused saw it though..
A dm's worst nightmare.. Sorry to all affected.. I had absolutely no idea it had been happening.. I know that can't be said for all SA victims....

I believe unconditional love can exist between parent and child.
That’s it really.

I have thought about this and concluded that whatever my children did I would be there for them, even if it was something awful like paedophilia or rape.
Whether that would be from love or from a sense of responsibility I don't know

I don’t actually love my DD for “who she is” iyswim (I do like her very much) I didn’t wait to see if I liked her personality before being able to love her. So it doesn’t surprise me that I believe my love to be unconditional. She could have been a very different girl and I would have still loved her. I think love for your kids can be very primal, it’s a specific kind of love which makes sense from a human survival perspective, a drive that we have little control over.

I’m not surprised when parents continue to visit their children in prison or house them regardless of what they have done. I am surprised when people don’t acknowledge the truth about their child's actions. Reminds me of that case Casey Anthony, her parents were fucking insane imo, she was clearly a compulsive liar with zero conscience.

My mother was/is incapable of unconditional love. Every relationship was contingent on how it made her feel or benefited her. Her love was transactional. I learned from a very, very young age that I had to be her definition of "perfect" in order to win her love or approval, and even then, it was very fleeting.

I realized that in return, I never loved her. I haven't spoken to her in years, haven't missed her for even one minute, and celebrate the fact that I never have to see her again. There is nothing that could make me ever speak to her again. She also has no interest in me. She could take me or leave me, and actually speaks to none of her children because they have somehow each disappointed her by simply being themselves (one is gay...and a brain surgeon...for example...)

Look, as a result of being raised by someone like this, I went through periods of becoming overly attached to people I barely knew if they were kind to me, and then as the years went on, I struggled to truly love pretty much anyone, and that includes my spouse and everyone else in my family of origin. HOWEVER, my child would have to commit some brutal act of violence for me to waver in my love for her. And even then, I think all the good memories would make it impossible to stop loving her.

My love for my children & grandchild is absolutely unconditional as is my love for my for my furry son (who is sadly deceased) and his was for me.

That is naive, people hurt the ones they love all the time. It might be through low self esteem, a poor upbringing, addiction, mental health issues, selfishness or all manner of other reasons.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

I think this is how would feel. I could think of a number of scenarios where I could not see them again but my love for the human that they previously were would not go away

My father felt like you. His relationship with everyone and anyone was entirely transactional.

My mum however loved me unconditionally.

The love I have for my children is almost unconditional. Note the word ALMOST.

My love for family members could vanish very easily for things much less serious. Eg if I had a toxic parent why on earth would I love them?

I am with you with the friends and relatives, but not my children. I whenever stop loving my children.

If he murdered someone, yes I'd still love him and worry about him, even if I couldn't have him in my life on day to day basis. I can love him without loving his actions. I'm his mother, he's part of me and if he did something dreadful I would wonder where I had went wrong
I loved my siblings unconditionally too but then we went no contact for years due to her behaviour and I thought I didn't love her, or like her. But now I think the pain I felt about her behaviour was part of the love I have for her (we are now reconciled after 10 years).

I think, yes, which would make it probably even more painful and impossible to deal with.

I like to look at these things through the lens of evolution. I guess from an evolutionary point of view it makes sense that children are loved unconditionally by their parents and to an extent also that children (at least very young ones) unconditionally love their parents. Unconditional love outside a dependent relationship probably makes less sense.

I don't always like my parents or my siblings and often I don't want to see them or think about them but I do love them and it's not easy to stop.

This was the thing that really rocked me to my core when my dad died- the only person who I absolutely knew without doubt loved me unconditionally and would always show up for me, no matter what, was gone. It is a very lonely and frightening place to be.

My relationship with my mother is much more complicated. I think she loves me, on that deep biological level between parent and child. I know I have been a disappointment to her in many ways, and that for a time I don’t think she liked me. In truth, if she weren’t my mother I don’t know if she’s the sort of person I would make time for or get on with. However she is, so I try really hard to do my best to look after her.

I love my husband deeply. I know he feels the same. But I’m well aware that love is conditional. He was, I think, a little offended by this, when I said the one person in the world who loved me unconditionally and I could rely on unconditionally was gone. He tried to reassure me, which i appreciated, but I’m not that naive.

I love my DC unconditionally. The eldest is a young adult, and as teens etc go they never did anything to test that, so it’s difficult to imagine where the line might be. I don’t think it exists. I think there are scenarios in which I’d be heartbroken at their actions, and I might not like them. But I would always love them and do anything I could to keep them safe.

I don’t understand your point. If they looked the same and acted the same but weren’t yours you wouldn’t care about them. So essentially you wouldn’t love a stranger? No argument there. I love my own children and I don’t give much of a hoot for other children no matter how much they resemble my own…
Isn’t that pretty much the definition and the whole point about parental love? Absolutely, fundamentally it’s a selfish love, I love my children because they’re mine. But I fail to see how that proves that the love I have for my children isn’t unconditional.

@SalmonDreams

@Rockmehardplace

have both put it perfectly. The whole thing about unconditional love is that no matter what they do, no matter how much you hate them for it, dislike them, feel guilt about what they did, whatever, they still fill your thoughts, they don’t let go. If a friend does something the letting go is possible and the loss and anger passes.

This.. it’s weird to think otherwise