To ask how to resolve this!

[Singleee]

So, both kids go to their dads on a Sunday to sleep over, I prepare all uniform etc but it is getting really frustrating as the uniform never comes back. I also know he wouldn’t wash it (he has no washing facilities) so I don’t mind ensuring they look presentable for school but o am now scrimping for uniform. He has 2 lots of PE kits too. I can’t just keep buying more so what do I do. I wanted him to stop the school nights for this reason but obviously weekends are too special for his social life and won’t sacrifice them for his kids. Any ideas?

A dad who takes his kids' uniform from them and keeps it from them so they can't have it.

Why?! Why would you take your kids' clothes? I don't understand what he's doing with it!

That's great but don't hesitate to go through the courts if he won't play ball. One step at a time and you will get there.

what an arse

I would stop sending any pe kit there or uniform - and tell school what is happening.

Could they keep PE kit in school? or do you live near school and could bring it on for them ?

He's controlling you psychologically and financially by his actions. His failure to disclose his address is not selfishness is it?

I think you have to maybe get the 8 year old to be responsible for both of their uniform. Say that we are sending you with this many of each thing and those things all must come back. Even remind them just before they're due to leave his house.

I'd say tell the dad to be more careful but he sounds like he won't bother!

No, it's too much to put on an 8 year old. My bet is they hate going there anyway - this would make it even more stressful.

My 8 year old has started saying she doesn’t want to go.

She's now of an age where, if you go to Court, CAFCASS will listen to her.

Oh really as when I told him she didn’t want to go he said she doesn’t have a choice. Apparently she doesn’t have a choice if he takes her on holiday either. She has told me clearly that she doesn’t want to go without me again.

Sorry OP I've only read your responses so others may have mentioned this.

I would talk to school and let them know what's going on, and ask them if there is anything they could do to help.

Practically speaking could you:

• send them to him on Sunday with nothing but what they are wearing
• arrange to leave a PE kit and uniform at school on Friday and see if school would facilitate your child changing into that PE kit first thing Monday morning then allowing them 5 minutes at the end of the day to change out of it, similarly would they then allow 5 mins at the start of Tuesday to allow your child to change into the school uniform you left for them at school
• then when you do Tuesday school pick up you get your PE kit back ready for later in the week or washing if needed, and you haven't lost a uniform

(And if he does Tuesday pick up then similarly ask school if they will allow 5 mins at the end of the day for your child to change out of the uniform you've provided and leave in a bag for you to collect on Weds).

The worst the school can do is say no, but if you discuss it with them they may be able to help.

CAFCASS should listen to her. They might not agree to her not seeing him at all but will advise the Court of what she has said and why.
They may not recommend yours or her perfect solution but the Court will order what is best for the children, not just what he wants.
I think a pp suggested a co-parenting app too which is a good idea.
Sorry, slow fingers, that was in response to OP's previous

He is keeping the uniforms deliberately so you have to beg for them back and buy new ones, it’s a control tactic and he’s controlling the nights he has them too. He has said you are hassling him, yet he deliberately causes problems so you have no choice than to contact him. He doesn’t want you ringing his family incase they help you, he wants you to feel totally helpless over his control.

Legally, he may not be required to tell you where HE lives (odd, but there we are), but you not knowing where your 5 year old is just doesn't sit right with me. A 5 year old is a vulnerable child, and as his/her mother you should know where they are.

His family aren’t much help anyway tbh. They live abroad and don’t show much interest in the kids. His sister lives here and I think she doesn’t like getting involved understandably

Have you ever had proper legal advice on the custody arrangements? Because you seem to base crucial decisions about your children’s wellbeing on what he tells you and what you think - having been brainwashed - is acceptable and/or feasible.

Your children are being damaged by his controlling behaviour, more so since he doesn’t seem to take any real risks interest in them. In fact he is using them to control you!

The school uniform/PE kit issue is merely the tip of a huge iceberg. You need to address this and fight for your rights and your children’s wellbeing. Trying mediation may be helpful, but I fear that he is unlikely to engage with the process. Being controlling and abusive is who he is and he won’t change.

Please start by speaking to Women’s Aid, but ultimately you will need to get legal representation and take him to court.

I would document all of this and stop sending them there.

Let him apply to court if he wants to have contact tome (assuming it’s not currently court ordered), and set this all out for the courts.

Mediation comes before a court hearing once he applies.

If he must have contact, can it be on a weekend (eow for example, Sat-Sun) so school uniform doesn’t come into it?

PS - I have this a bit with my exh but I do get stuff back eventually- he’s just woefully disorganised and cba to engage with it, rather than being deliberately spiteful like yours sounds.

Luckily my youngest (DS) is 11 so beginning to take responsibility for his own stuff - although there are times when it has to go through exh.

Im sure he also thinks I’m still desperate to contact him on a personal level but I absolutely am not - I just need to push him a lot to engage with organisational tasks!

If I call him he says what do you actually want, why do you still care about me. Oh get over yourself.

I would tell him, it’s obviously the other way round as he doesn't return the kids uniforms, if he really didn't want to hear from you, he would make sure there was no reason for you to ring!
I would be a nuisance to get on his nerves till he gave them up.

Can you stop sending them? Tell him you can't afford to keep replacing uniform and pe kit so it will have to go to court to put a new arrangement in place.

When he says this you just say, calmly & clearly every time, we have to communicate because of the children, that's what responsible parents do - so, about the uniforms....

Exactly this 👆🏼

He is with somebody else though appears really happy, I can’t see it being that. I honestly think he is just lazy, I don’t understand why he thinks I still love him as I have done nothing (in my eyes) to suggest that. Surely somebody in love would be messaging his new gf etc, I don’t even know or care what she looks like, just glad he is out of my life.

Him being seemingly happy with someone else, doesn’t stop him from still wanting control/revenge over you.

YOU ditched HIM didn’t you?

So his ego has taken a hit. And you’re the one responsible for denting that ego of his. That makes you enemy number 1 to him.

I suppose so. I could feel the same though? I just don’t feel anything at all, just relief.