To ask how to resolve this!

[Singleee]

So, both kids go to their dads on a Sunday to sleep over, I prepare all uniform etc but it is getting really frustrating as the uniform never comes back. I also know he wouldn’t wash it (he has no washing facilities) so I don’t mind ensuring they look presentable for school but o am now scrimping for uniform. He has 2 lots of PE kits too. I can’t just keep buying more so what do I do. I wanted him to stop the school nights for this reason but obviously weekends are too special for his social life and won’t sacrifice them for his kids. Any ideas?

Crud posted too soon. I might have missed it, but can you send your kids with a bag and start training them to put their uniform and/or PE kit in a bag to bring home?

So on a Sunday, send a clean uniform for Tuesday. They will wear that Tuesday so you will get it back.

Leave the Monday PE to him. If it's creased etc that's on him . He will start to send to his sister for washing.

I remember yor last post. You want him to stop weekly contact and go to EOW which reduces the time he spends with this DC so I can understand why he wants to say no and stick as now.

You just need to find a way to work this out.

Can you pick them up from his with clothes on a Tuesday morning & take them to school?
Shouldn’t have to but 🤷‍♀️

I would but he won’t tell me where he lives as apparently I’m a psycho 🤣

I wouldn't let my children go to his house if I didn't know where it was. I think you need to take legal action on this, OP.

Another selfish man omg why do these people even bother having kids there not part time kids he chooses when he sees them, he chooses what clothes you have to keep buying, he is controlling you he’s the psycho not you. What if children ever needed you in an emergency you don’t know where he lives. He is playing you. Poor kids having such a shit dad who won’t give up his precious weekends up for them. Tell him cms might be for uniforms but not one for every week. I feel for you he’s a twat.

If there is uniform there don't send any more. He will have to put them in that one. Until there is none there.

Then you send one set which they wear for both days and it cones back on Tuesday because they come back to you.

This ⬆️

You are trying to co-parent with someone who does not want to co-parent with you. Stop. Look up parallel parenting. Thats your only option here.

Don't ring him. Set up one of the court endorsed parenting apps (I think one is called Wizard parenting) and have all communication go through that. Write each message as if you expect it to be read out in court one day.

First message: " I am letting you know in advance that the DC will not be bringing any uniform with them this Sunday. You have x number of sets of uniform at your house for them. I am letting you know now so you have time to make sure it is clean and ready for school next week. Please keep the PE kit. I will return the DC to you next week with the school uniform that they wear to school on Tuesday. It will be cleaned and ready for school on Tuesday. It is your responsibility to ensure that their PE kit is clean for the following week"

And go to mediation definitely. Be very clear about what you want and what is best for the DC. I think you will need to be really specific. One thing you should definitely be raising is that he is responsible for providing everything they need while they are in his care. This includes uniform, shoes and any other items.

He's playing a petty control game, he deliberately keeps you in the dark on where the DC are staying when they are at his, keeps their uniforms hostage as he knows you will buy them new ones or they will go to school in the ones at his. He knows you don’t trust him to clean/iron their uniform so you keep on buying new ones. He does it so you have to keep on begging him to return clothes, it feeds into his fantasy that you still love him. He doesn’t want you ringing his family as he wants you to keep feeling totally helpless! He doesn’t want them on certain nights as it would impact his social life and it would enable you to have weekends free. He is desperately trying to keep your attention focused on him.
You have no choice but to take it further, you need to know their whereabouts when DC are at his and he has to have them at weekends as he won’t return uniforms. He is the one creating the problems, so he can lump the changes.

I don’t understand, are you saying he keeps the uniform and sells it on the side or something?

why would you think this? He’s clearly just being a dick.

Why are you letting him control everything? You should have been in touch with his sister and mother, then stopped contact if it didn't get sorted out. Let him justify to s court why his children aren't in school, in proper uniform and why it isn't returned. Next year your children will be taking more notice of clothes/appearance and they'll vote against sering him.

Ahhh - so he isn’t just being a disorganised melt, it’s point scoring to get a rise 🤷‍♀️

If it’s a court arrangement request order updated with no overnight stays as he refuses to return with clothing or disclose address

What? You don’t know where your kids are when they go to his house?

No, no. Stop all this right now. He’s taking the piss and running rings around you by coming up with this ‘harassing him’ bullshit.

Off to court you go and get some firm rules put in place.

He shares his address so you know where your children are, he returns the uniforms he has at his house and he has them on weekends going forward. Otherwise they don’t come to see him at all.

You can let that happen. He knows that you will choose not to.
Speak to the school, send them without uniform. When he sends them in to school in dirty, mismatched uniforms that’s on him.
Then they can change into the clean uniforms you have left with the school.

I checked this out. Apparently legally I don’t have to know where he lives. A psycho on the other hand, would already know.

I kick myself every single day for having kids with this man. Our relationship was next to perfect before they came along. When responsibility was thrown in it all went wrong.

I just think if anybody should be bitter about the whole thing it should be me! He met somebody else within weeks of our relationship ending, took the children abroad with her which literally killed me but I allowed it. I have tried my hardest to just let him get on with what he is doing but he seems to be wanting my life to be stuck which isn’t fair.

Do you drop them off at his house? If so insist on getting all their clothes back then If he doesn't like you nagging tough shit. or send a bill with the children for the missing clothes.

You're not going mad, you're being abused. But what are you going to do about it? You've been advised by several people to go through the courts. I get that you may feel paralysed as he has so much control. Is there anyone IRL to support you if you are struggling to act?

I have made an appointment with a mediator.

How is it abuse? Surely this is just an act of a very selfish person.

Talk to Women’s Aid and CAB.

Write a detailed, factual timeline of events post-divorce and see an experienced family solicitor, with a view to getting him to agree to mediation. Maybe, hopefully, a formal, legal request will be more effective than your own past efforts.

If this fails, and I fear it will, you absolutely need to take him to court. You cannot, simply cannot let this drag on for the rest of your children’s childhood.

Of course this is abuse. You don’t recognise it as abuse because you have, over the years, been conditioned to accept is as him merely being selfish.

Talk to Women’s Aid.

and read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf online.

Because he’s being controlling

He’s managed to convince you not to contact any of his family by accusing you of ‘harassment’.

He’s purposely withholding his address and claims it’s because ‘you are a psycho’, and thinks anything you do to stop his behaviour is because you ‘love him’, despite you being the one who walked away from the relationship.

He knows full well you don’t want him and that there is no harassment. He’s trying to gaslight you into believing that you are the problem, so that you don’t question him or challenge him.