To ask… if you drink a lot on big nights out, do you judge more moderate drinkers?

[Hertsmum78]

I have recently been wondering whether it might be easier from a social point of view to give up drinking altogether than carry on as I currently am, ie drinking very little.

My impression is that if someone says they don’t drink at all, people leave them alone. They may assume alcoholism or religious reasons or health.

But amongst certain friends, I definitely feel slightly uncomfortable if I only have one or two drinks at a party/big night out and then stop. Nothing horrible is ever directly said (so this may be mainly in my head - hence the question) but I always get some comments if, for example, I go home at midnight and they are all staying late. Like ‘oh you’re leaving already? Do you have something important to do tomorrow?’ etc.

I am 47 for context, not 21! So having just a few drinks and going to bed at midnight feels fairly normal to me.

But please be honest - if you drink quite a bit on a big night out and I was your friend, would you consider me boring?

Honestly OP you should only drink what you yourself are comfortable with drinking.

It doesn't matter a damn what other people think about you drinking moderately.

And anyone who tries to encourage you to drink more isn't your friend.

Drunks are boring and embarrassing. Why would you want to be like them anyway?

I've found it much easier now I've stopped drinking. When I drank a little there was a lot of pressure to drink more. People even getting me alcoholic drinks when I'd asked for soft ones. I tell people I dont drink anymore because it gives me migraine. I make a sorry for myself, but what can you do? face, and they sympathise and that's the end of that.

@Sometimeinadifferentworld Fully agree and I have no plans to drink more to fit in!

I was just genuinely curious and would welcome views from heavier drinkers - do you find it spoils your fun if you’re out with someone who only has a couple of drinks? Do you find teetotallers easier to deal with/understand than moderate drinkers?

Heavy drinkers put pressure on moderate drinkers and call them boring or lightweights simply to try to normalise their excessive drinking. They don’t want to countenance that just having a couple of drinks is a viable option on a night out. Bugger them. Drink only what you feel comfortable with.

@5128gap This is an excellent strategy and I can fully imagine it makes your life easier… I occasionally contemplate doing similar but the problem is, I don’t actually want to never drink! I like the occasional glass of wine or too but never want more than that.

I don't drink much. Three pints is my absolute limit before I'm beered out and just don't want anymore. I usually stop after two.

I've never judged, or felt judged by, people who drink more. But, then, I wouldn't consider, "Are you leaving already?" to be anything more than a question if I leave somewhere before others.

Why would I read judgement into that? Or care?

No. I have friends who drink a lot, some who drink little, and others who don’t drink at all. It’s quite literally never been an issue. Everyone drinks at their own pace.

But I wouldn’t take “oh you’re leaving already? Do you have something important to do tomorrow?” from friends as judgemental in isolation. They’re having fun, they assume you’re having fun, they don’t want to stop having fun and are surprised you do.

I agree @Notreallyme27 - I just find it baffling that people comment so openly.

i have a much bigger appetite when it comes to food than alcohol, but I would never say to a slimmer person/smaller eater than me ‘oh come on, what’s wrong with you? Why won’t you have a second helping of pasta like me?’

How would any of you even know how much each other have actually had to drink.

Drunk people aren't really aware of how drunk others are or how many times they've been to the bar.

@ComtesseDeSpair - I would agree with that if I was leaving at say, 9 or even 10pm. But I don’t think leaving a dinner party at midnight in your late 40s is so early that it’s worthy of comment?

You could adapt it to "Any more than a couple and I get a migraine".

I think you’re reading a bit too much into it. They’re just sad you’re leaving because they were enjoying hanging out with you! It doesn’t come across as a negative reflection.

Having been a binge drinker (I now don't drink) i felt uncomfortable around moderate drinkers because a) I couldn't moderate myself b) it made me feel self conscious as it highlighted how much I was drinking c) i knew i would end up getting drunk and they wouldn't which again made me feel self conscious d) I wondered if they were judging my drinking and e) it reminded me that my drinking was problematic

So basically it was a me problem. You are dojng absolutely nothing wrong and if you can have a couple of drinks and you enjoy that, keep doing you. If the heavy drinkers make a comment it is literally them being forced to examine their own drinking and its very uncomfortable

But @Hertsmum78you didn't say they comment on your drinking or encourage you to drink more, your example was to do with you going home early?

Drink what you are comfortable of course but what has not being 21 got to do with it?

No I think your friends are weird. I only drink at the weekends. My friends know that. And even then I’m not out very late. I love a few pints at the weekends but never drink on a “school night”. Your friends are odd.

I stopped drinking as I developed an allergy. I was never a regular drinker but would occasionally go wild for a few nights and then stop for a while.

In the past I’ve certainly had people pressuring me to drink more when I say I want to take it easy and just have one or two. BUT, since stopping completely about 5 years ago, I’ve also had people pressuring me to drink when I say I don’t drink. ‘Oh go on, just a few tonight’. Colleagues, friends and even family! And even when I’ve said it makes me ill!!! They think I’m just giving an excuse and it can’t possibly be the truth.

Thankfully I wasn’t an alcoholic and I don’t particularly miss it - and I’m fine about saying no - but I can only think it must be hell for those that were.

There seems to be an attitude amongst some that booze is an essential part of life: nights out, nights in, an evening with people, weddings, dinner, lunch, etc. And that anyone who doesn’t is trying to somehow spoil things for the rest.

Since the lockdowns ended I’ve quite a few friends who have given up the booze. Some thought they were becoming too reliant on it and others discovered fitness and healthy living. That’s taken the pressure off a lot and meant that an awful lot of my socialising (dinners out etc) now don’t involve alcohol at all.

I have a group of friends who I see occasionally who drink more than me. My only issue with it is that come the end of the night they expect to split the bill equally even though I’ve had a couple of drinks and they’ve had a couple of bottles (or more). They make me feel petty for wanting to only pay my share so I’ve just stopped seeing them as much (which doesn’t bother me as I don’t enjoy the evenings that much anyway!)

I am a moderate drinker but sometimes go hard on nights out because I go out so infrequently. I don’t judge those drinking less. I know they have lives to lead and don’t want to feel shit tomorrow.

When I go out I buy my own drinks. My friends buy theirs. I have no idea how much anyone is drinking and I really don’t care. Sometimes we will get a round of shots or bombs but if someone doesn’t want one I’ll drink theirs 🤣🤣

so basically when you go out say you are getting your own drinks and have as much or as little as you want.

But if they do you just look at them and say why does it bother you so much Jason/Sarah, what feelings does it bring up for you - this is about you mate and not about how much i drink. This may get you not invited out again of course!

I am sober, but I used to drink a lot. No, generally heavy drinkers don’t really care what anyone is doing after they themselves have had a couple drinks. I would have absolutely no idea how much someone was drinking and if it was ‘moderate’.

Actually a lot of heavy drinkers are more concerned with getting alcohol in before it runs out, bar closes, shop closes, etc and if people more sober than them are judging them for how much they’re drinking.

I haven’t had a drink in over 2 years and I honestly have the same conversation about how, yes, I stopped drinking, yes, it really was 2 years ago, no, not a sip since, yes, this really is just fizzy water, etc every single time I go out. Most people don’t notice or don’t really care or care more about getting the booze in themselves. Sure, some of them may come across like twats, but it’s genuinely because they are feeling anxious about their own drinking. Not because they care what you’re doing.

Absolutely not.
I’m in my 30’s now, and I know where my cut off point is, and I stick to that the vast majority of the time.
I can go out, enjoy a few drinks but when I feel I’m approaching my cut off point (merry but not drunk) I’ll switch to soft drinks. Very occasionally there’ll be times where I’m having such a blast with my friends that I completely skip over the cut off point and end up bladdered 🫠 usually when shots are involved….which normally I’ll say no to because sensible me knows that shots hit me like a bus.

Personally, I found it harder when I didn't drink at all. For context, I have autoimmune hepatitis and when I was really ill I had to stop drinking completely for several years. I felt people were pitying me for not being able to drink, perhaps because I used to or because of the illness. But I compared it to giving up smoking, for which you get congratulated. No one congratulates you when you say you have stopped drinking.

Now my liver is pretty much recovered and I am able to drink in moderation, I feel so much better being able to share a bottle of prosecco, rather than having my individual Nosecco bottle. I usually water my wine down and then switch to water completely, but I feel less of a misfit. There is never any pressure to drink more because I am driving and they want a lift home!

On a big night out, I’ll have quite a lot to drink (very rare now I’m in my 30s) but I have no judgment on what anyone else is drinking.
I only wouldn’t like if they were judging ME. If someone goes home early, I might say “awww you’re leaving” to a friend but because I don’t want them to go, not because I’m judging them.
I gave up drinking for 5 years and tbh, balance for me is the best. Drink when I’m out at an event but don’t really drink at home. Just do what feels right for you OP and what serves you. Being so black and white didn’t work for me (ie not drinking at all)