To ask… if you drink a lot on big nights out, do you judge more moderate drinkers?

[Hertsmum78]

I have recently been wondering whether it might be easier from a social point of view to give up drinking altogether than carry on as I currently am, ie drinking very little.

My impression is that if someone says they don’t drink at all, people leave them alone. They may assume alcoholism or religious reasons or health.

But amongst certain friends, I definitely feel slightly uncomfortable if I only have one or two drinks at a party/big night out and then stop. Nothing horrible is ever directly said (so this may be mainly in my head - hence the question) but I always get some comments if, for example, I go home at midnight and they are all staying late. Like ‘oh you’re leaving already? Do you have something important to do tomorrow?’ etc.

I am 47 for context, not 21! So having just a few drinks and going to bed at midnight feels fairly normal to me.

But please be honest - if you drink quite a bit on a big night out and I was your friend, would you consider me boring?

I think you are looking too much into the comment about leaving early,

it could be they are loving your company and when you say that you are leaving earlier then the May be wishing you were staying longer as they are enjoying your company with nothing to do with what you are drinking.

i don’t pay attention to what others are drinking, you want to drink 1 drink then that’s your choice , if you want to drink 10 then that’s your choice too, as long as you aren’t making an arse of yourself or falling over!

You’re 47, if it bothers your friends how much you drink they are only doing it because they are embarrassed about their own drinking and trying to coerce you into drinking more to feel less guilty about their own behaviour. Going teetotal won’t solve that problem, will probably make it worse.

This is what annoys me most about being someone who does drink alcohol, but who doesn’t drink much.

I enjoy having a glass of wine with a meal so will usually drink one glass while other heavier drinkers are drinking multiple glasses.

Then when the bill comes the teetotallers don’t contribute anything to the cost of the alcohol, which is totally fair and makes good sense. But then everyone who did drink alcohol is expected to contribute equally to the cost of it.

And I’d feel really petty pointing out that actually I had only one small glass of wine while others drank the equivalent of a bottle of wine, so it’s not fair I pay the same as them!

So my initial thoughts right away were if my friends judged me for how much alcohol I drink, in a scenario where you don't have a drink problem, I'd think the issue is your choice of judged friends not your choice of drink.

I think you may be reading too much into it. "Are you going home already? Do you have something important to do tomorrow?" Sounds more like them gearing up to ask you to stay out with them not a comment on your drink choice. You could stay past midnight on soft drinks (not saying you have to im in the bed by 12 crew myself)

I think drink what you like, nothing wrong with moderation or abstinence

This exact scenario is what makes me tee total with one group of friends, and a one glass of wine person with another group. Very different drinking dynamics and attitudes towards bill splitting and spending. It’s just easier/much cheaper not to drink when I’m out with the booze hounds!

I am usually the first to leave my social groups and I feel a light weight as I’m one I the youngest
but I have small kids who wake me up and I have a pathological horror of hangovers

I don't judge anyone for drinking less or none at all. Anyone who does judge is an idiot, frankly! I still occasionally drink a lot, but always regret it. Increasingly I drink less. Nobody has ever commented negatively about it.

I’ve had periods in my life when I’ve drunk a fair bit and periods where I’ve barely drunk at all. I’d never in a million years pressure anyone to drink more than they wanted to and anyone who does isn’t worth worrying about, have you’re one drink if you enjoy it and don’t worry about the heavier drinkers.

I don't think I notice who's drinking heavily and who's not (and on any given night I might be doing either). I've definitely said "oh are you leaving already" a few times but it's because I'm sad that someone I like has to go! I'm not judging them for it - we've all had to be the early leaver in our time.

Please don't ever feel pressure to drink more than you are are comfortable with. The problem is with others not you. Heavy drinkers do not like a mirror being held up to them.

Frequently on MN there are threads about drinking and there absolutely is a subset of people who judge people who never drink at all. In fact there was a thread recently where a number of MN’ers confessed that teetotalism was a dealbreaker in a relationship.

They’re all without exception pathetic.

I am teetotal, have never really liked the taste of the stuff, and when I was younger I used to have people say things to me like “I’d love to spike your drinks to see what you’re like when you’re drunk.” Personally I couldn’t give a shit if people had a problem with my not drinking. That would be them and not me, and frankly if people feel can’t have they’re arseholes not worth being with anyway.

Nobody should be bending over backwards to justify why they’re not drinking.

If anything people need to stop and think about why they drink so much.

@Hertsmum78 I was diagnosed with MS a few years ago and put on some medication for it. If you ask any of my heavy-drinking friends, it's dangerous to get drunk whilst taking the medication. They know this because I told them. 😉

For my friends who don't mind if I only have one or two drinks, I have not had to spin this deceptive web.

Admittedly, it's quite an extreme way of getting out of heavy drinking, and I'm not sure I would recommend it...

I’m a similar age to OP and rarely drink. I wouldn’t say people leave me alone - it gets commented on quite a bit, though more by booze hound family members than anyone else.

I find this baffling. I havd a range of friends - some have never drunk (mainly due to religious reasons) , some have given up more recently for health reasons and some of us drink - in varying amounts and frequencies. No one judges or pressurises anyone. I went out with a friend last week, I had had a heavy weekend the week before so after one pint switched to alcohol free beer, they made no comment at all.

OP, you're 47, please do whatever the fuck you like and don't give a thought to moderating your behaviour to please others!

Heavy drinkers/problem drinkers feel uncomfortable when people are able to drink moderately. Their whole idea of social fun revolves around alcohol so when other people opt out of that they feel judged and insecure.

I think if you are known to be teetotal its probably easier because that is the expectation. If you have previously been a known drinker there's a sense from other drinkers that you're no longer a "team player". They are desperate to reclaim you on team booze.

@Hertsmum78You will find anyone who is judging your moderate drinking who is a heavy drinker have a problem with alcohol..

As a sober alcoholic of 22 years (I was a binge drinker, on a night at home once the children were sorted over about 5 years) I as do those I hung around with drunk like me.

I got off the slippery slope quicker than most however this is a very common story, that at some stage in my drinking I found I had stepped over a line where I could take one drink safely as it would set off a craving where 1 was too many and I then drank to black out.

That's perhaps not the answer you were looking for. I just thought I would throw it in the mix from someone who used to drink to much