Dh’s mum slapped ds

[eeleeee]

Ds is 3, he screamed in frustration about something, never normally does so this was unlike him. Dh mum was next to him and almost like an instinct slapped him on his back to tell him off for the scream.

I was so taken aback but it’s been really bothering me. mainly angry at myself for not saying anything. I was in shock, and my main focus was consoling my son but I feel like I betrayed him almost by staying quiet.

she didn’t apologise or discuss it

I guess AIBU in the sense of, it was like a sort of knee jerk whack to say stop screaming, or am I right in feeling angry about it

Good idea? Could you be a bit clearer?

I'm trying to understand the difference between slapping a child and flicking water in its face.

My eldest is 45 I certainly never slapped him or his siblings and I had absolutely no idea that people were throwing water at their children's faces, what bizarre behaviour.

Please speak in very strong terms to your MIL OP and never leave her alone with your child. She need to be told to learn to control her 'instincts' to hit small people.

I had a go at my dm for slapping my puppy for nipping her when excited.
I can’t imagine saying nothing to a person slapping my dc.
You need to tell mil it's unacceptable.

You probably don’t want to permanently cut her out of your life so I would tell her there is to be no smacking under any circumstances. I wouldn’t leave him alone with her though because, as others have said, if she can do that so freely right in front of you, you can’t trust her to not repeat it (or harder) in your absence. Be strict about it and don’t take any ‘gaslighting’ from her. My mum used to smack us as kids but never, ever laid a finger on her gc.

Really can’t understand why you didn’t say anything but maybe that’s because I’m older now and a lot more assertive. Are you afraid of your mil?

My mum did something similar to my DS when he accidentally trod on her foot, she tapped (not smacked) him on the arm. It was a reflex and I am sure she felt awful afterwards but I wasn't worried that she would be smacking him without me there, and I didnt want to make a massive deal of it. Yes my parents smacked me when I was child and no, I didn't smack my DS as times had changed but I wouldn't have made a big fuss over something that was an instant reaction, it probably shocked her like being trod on the food if it was in close proximity. I doubt your child will be traumatised over it, I just asked my 19 yo son if he remembers and he doesn't but said he probably deserved it!

She should have acknowledged it and apologised though. It’s the fact she didn’t do either of those things that would concern me. (OP’s mil that is).

Angry? I'd be raging. You are there to protect your son, what she did is not ok and you need to be very clear in telling her that & also explaining to your son that it shouldn't have happened & why (boundaries).

I think you need to go back to her. I would go back to your dh and have an open conversation about her parenting style as sometimes grandparents revert to what they did as parents forgetting themselves and if she had no problem hitting your dh then you know she thinks it's acceptable.

I also agree next steps depend on her response and how hard it was. If it was hard enough to hurt him then she doesn't get to be alone with him again period. If she's not remorseful then I just wouldn't have her around him again at all.

I totally understand freezing and not knowing what to do at the time, there's reasons why people can react in that way on instinct so don't be too hard on yourself. You focused on your child and you can still address this. It will be important that your dh is on the same page with this. I would confront her as a team, together so she knows you are both in complete agreement on this.

Obviously if there are additional circumstances like dementia or other vulnerabilities advice might be different but you've not mentioned that here.

but that's when you do something that you know is wrong, and socially unacceptable.

If she did it as it's "natural" to her, why do you pretend she thinks it's wrong or she has to hide? makes no sense.

I am a lot stricter with my kids in public than at home, and I am not the only one.

Her instinct when faced with a screaming child was to slap him?! That’s not someone I’d ever have around my child unsupervised and I’d be close to saying at all unless she sincerely apologised and could see why I was upset.
I would probably speak to DH first, to make sure we were on the same page and that he knew what I planned to do re the conversation with his mother. I expect he wasn’t quite as surprised as you were op as she probably slapped him a few times in his time… but times have changed, and it’s just not okay anymore.
As for the pp flicking water in her children’s faces for expressing emotion in a very normal-for-their-age way… 🤯

Obviously it’s not acceptable for her to hit one’s child, but is there not just a little irony in the replies “she would get a slap from ME”? I thought that one reason (among many others) that many of us think it’s wrong to hit children is because nobody should be hitting anybody.

I agree, it’s a silly response imo. Plus how upsetting for an already upset and hurt child to have their mother slap their grandmother in front of them, as unrealistic as it is that it would actually happen.

Its not acceptable for her to hit your child you partner needs to have a strong word explaining this to granny and telling her she won’t be left alone with him now and his mother is happy to press charges for child abuse if it happens again. I would also reduce contact considerably for his sake, and maybe ask him if she’s hit him before?

I was a parent during the Penelope Leach time and had her book, didn't follow much of the advice in it, don't remember the water flicking thing and would not have done it, sounds beyond weird. As for the OP's MIL, this not good and she needs to have very clear boundaries about how she acts towards her grandson

I got smacked frequently as a child, by my adult female relatives. I wasn't a rude, violent child or on any neuro-diverse spectrum. I was just "different." The consequences were that I trusted the only person who didn't smack me - my maternal grandmother- and my pet animals. Many decades later, I still don't wholly trust anyone - only my horse and my cat.

Do you think maybe she was just shocked and caught off guard by the screaming and gave him a quick tap/ nudge to snap him out of it but it looked worse from your perspective? I don't think a 3 year old would really comprehend that kind of punishment however maybe ur MIL is old school and needs a bit of education around this. Maybe the more appropriate thing would be to say something like 'nanny we only use kind hands around here'. Or something to that effect. The poster who cornered her own mother and threatened her sounds like a delight by the way. Really teaching your child great lessons there! I was hit when I was naughty as a child and I am not angry about it. In fact i never swore at my mother apart from that once in my whole life and I learnt a lesson that day. I look back on the times when I was given a hit and think my poor mother being driven up the wall. However I don't advocate for people to hit their children especially a child who does not comprehend the situation However I think some of these comments are just adding fuel to a fire. Children aren't made of egg shells they are much more resilient than you think and no one was beaten or abused it was a tap. If your MIL is a prominent person in your life don't burn your bridges over something that has no lasting damage. Your child won't even remember the next time they see your MIL.

How hard was the slap? Or was it a little tap /touch on the back because he scared her? How did he react?

If it was a slap, I’d be tempted to give her one back. Either way she would not be left alone with my child or pet ever again.

Sigh. A splash of water, not sticking them head first into a pond. The shock brings them out of the tantrum - and if your DS was a) screaming and b) then holding his breath until blue in the face then you might like to know this trick - Penelope Leach was the go-to childcare guru of the late 80s and I still think her advice works (and v. pro breastfeeding and bugger the housework, as I remember).
Of course, you may be making a joke, in which case 😉

So when you’re having a really tough time and you’re really upset, can I spray you in the face with water? Is it okay if your husband does that because he can’t handle you having any other emotion than fine? If you wouldn’t accept it being done to you is unacceptable to do it to a small child whom you haven’t yet taught to cope with big emotions.

The 80s was 40 years ago. Jeez, even Ferber went back on his cry it out method to a degree.

Yes it was a joke 🥸

You need to quietly and firmly explain that you do not slap or hit your children ever and that you will have no choice but to keep him away if she cannot abide by this rule. No ifs, no buts.

If an adult was having a full hysterical meltdown, I have to admit that - like in any good movie or tv serie - I would be tempted to slap them 😂

Not sure I would bother to go for the more gentle water in the face option.

I'd be doing some slapping of my own. How dare she slap your child?!

…so if an adult is crying and extremely upset then you’d just hit them?

I’m sure you think you’re hilarious, but clearly violence is amusing and acceptable to you.

This is the 1980s equivalent of chucking a piece of processed cheese on their forehead. That shuts them up too, according to tiktok. At least in the 80s the event wasn't videoed and publicly shared.

OP if you don't bring it up explicitly, your silence on the subject implies your approval. You need to say something unless you are comfortable with her doing it again. Start with asking her about it, see if she feels it was ok to do or not.

Heroically missing the point of the thread but I think I'd rather have my back slapped than water sprinkled in my face.