Dh’s mum slapped ds

[eeleeee]

Ds is 3, he screamed in frustration about something, never normally does so this was unlike him. Dh mum was next to him and almost like an instinct slapped him on his back to tell him off for the scream.

I was so taken aback but it’s been really bothering me. mainly angry at myself for not saying anything. I was in shock, and my main focus was consoling my son but I feel like I betrayed him almost by staying quiet.

she didn’t apologise or discuss it

I guess AIBU in the sense of, it was like a sort of knee jerk whack to say stop screaming, or am I right in feeling angry about it

When my 3-year-old (now 47!) had screaming fits I followed Penelope Leach's advice and sprinkled cold water on his face - this works, amazingly. I am not sure thumping someone on the back will stop a tantrum (left my DD in the deli aisle of the co-op superstore when she threw a tantrum once - I hid behind the nearest shelf unit so I could see her but she couldn't see me - when I was not watching she stopped screaming, remarkable!) as it's more attention. Ignore tantrums unless there is physical danger.
Get DH to explain all this to MiL.

You definitely need to approach her about this otherwise she’ll think it’s acceptable and perhaps do it again. Speak to your DH and hopefully you’ll have his support and both talk to her together.

I dont know what country you are in but in Scotland she has broken the law by slapping your child

I wouldn't be allowing her anywhere near my child again if I'd seen this. Or at least until there had been serious discussion with her involving your H and yourself and she showed that she had taken on board that physical punishment is assault and she agreed not to do anything similar again.

Please don’t question your very visceral reaction to this incident. Slapping, hitting, even giving a little shove is a ridiculous response to a child having a tantrum. It’s as if the child’s emotions about whatever triggered the tantrum don’t matter as much as the person’s desire to shut them up. I would be very very pissed off if anyone did this to my child and I would not let it go. Really unacceptable behaviour.

Please don't feel guilty, op- you were more concerned about checking your son was ok in that moment- which is totally understandable.
It's such an unexpected thing that you processed it a bit later, and realised this is not ok.
So, yes, as others have said, you and your husband now need to address this with his mother.
But don't go feeling guilty now! This is on her, not you (and posters trying to ramp up your guilt are not worth any head-space)

Anyone who's first instinct is to lash out and physically reprimand a child, under any circumstances, wouldn't be within arms reach of my DC. I would ring her and say that you have been thinking about when she slapped DC the other day and wonderiing how to bring it up, as it's been really bothering you. That you want to be very clear that it can not happen again and you would like her agreement and reassurance that it won't. And then not leave DC unsupervised with her again.

I'm not sure we're holding up Penelope Leach and her water in the face method of dealing with toddlers emotions in 2025.

How do you find your MIL in general, op? Have you ever had any minor reservations about her attitude towards your son?
It's just that something like this episode gives you a very concrete reason to draw boundaries. Horrible as it was, it's now your negotiating tool and justifies whatever you deem fit in the future.
I'm projecting a bit but I had issues with my own mother and didn't much like her looking after the kids but couldn't really give a good reason as to why. There was nothing tangible, more that she can be quite emotionally manipulative and I was (still am!) always on the high alert for her doing this to my kids (now older teens).

Wait until emotions have died down - but I would be seriously unhappy about this and would want it discussed and an apology given. I would also be very wary about leaving toddler in MIL's care if she is so reactive. Three year olds do scream, it's hardly age inappropriate or surprising behaviour. You just walk away if you can't cope with the noise. I would be more understanding (though still upset) if an adult hit a 3yo as an automatic reaction to being hurt themselves. To do it as a conscious choice to try and "snap them out" of a tantrum is inexcusable - that hasn't been accepted parenting advice for about 50 years.

It is illegal to hit children in Wales as well as Scotland. Hopefully England will catch up soon (sorry, I can't remember what NI's current ruling is!)

Why not?

Because that was 43 years ago and when we know better, we do better.

I would say something to her, obviously in the moment you’ve been shocked, defo bring it up

You need to address it. Tell her that you were in shock at the time but under no circumstances is she to lay a finger on your child again unless she wants to see how mad you are.

Not acceptable behavior. I would speak to your DH and then both speak to her about what she can and cannot do with your child.

Pretty sure water boarding isn’t the done thing nowadays.

you need to look up "waterboarding", clearly.

How do you know that you know better? Are you sure that in 43 years time there won’t be critical overturning of the current approach?!

Water in the face elicits the same shock/fear reflex that waterboarding does.

She would never see my child again. That’s the end of it.

There’s no excuses for hitting children. There’d be no coming back from this for me. You wouldn’t tolerate being hit by your DH, so why would you sit back and continue a relationship with someone who assaulted your child?

We. We, not I. Collectively. As a society. And in 43 years I'm sure, and hopeful there will have been 43 years more scientific research on the emotional development of children and yes, we will then know that some of the things that are seen as perfectly fine today, will be known to be inappropriate.

I don't think you've understood.

Er no, waterboarding creates a choking response, close to drowning,,

That's horrendous. I hope you tell her it's absolutely bang out of order and is assault. That shell not being allowed contact till she realises corporal punishment is illegal and never ever acceptable.

So a child of three is expected to control their emotions but a fully grown adult doesn’t have to? Because they can’t cope with a child’s emotions it’s fine for them to lash out and hit or shock them with water? All because an adult has no self control but expects a small child to?

Cop the fuck on. Anyone who defending hitting or shocking kids with water has serious issues. If you wouldn’t accept your partner smacking you’re or shoving you in a cold shower when you’re upset then you can’t defend doing it to a child.

My response would hugely depend on the level of violence involved as a slap can describe a wide range of things - if it was just a slap on the back that was a forceful pat and not intended to do anything but help him calm down it’s one thing, if it was anywhere close to being a violent slap ie it caused even a small amount of pain/temporarily leave a mark on their skin it’s completely unacceptable without your permission (fyi - I’m not from the camp that thinks slapping is child abuse as long as it is calm and restrained, but (a) it often doesn’t seem to be and (b) I can’t imagine seeing it as productive for my children). If she didn’t get it was unacceptable after that discussion she wouldn’t be round my children if I could legally help it.