To keep providing a new pair of socks every day?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

They are for my DGS. He's 5. He has ARFID and possibly autistic. There are various sensory issues.

My daughter is saying that she's happy to send him to school with no socks. She thinks that this will eventually stop his obsession/compulsion.

He constantly pulls threads from his socks. You can tell exactly where he's been because you can follow a trail of threads. If he's stayed in one place for a while there will be a small pile of threads. His teacher says exactly the same - she knows exactly where he is by following the trail of threads.

Every day there is a pair of ruined socks which cannot be worn again. He has pulled the top off so that the sock is baggy and there are random huge holes all over both socks. He's also picked the fabric off around the top/back/heel of his shoes and picked out all the fabric from inside the heels of his trainers.

No one has seen him doing this. He promises to not do it again when it's pointed out that he's been doing it. It's been happening since he went into reception class.

When I go shopping/supermarket, I throw a pack of boys socks into my basket without thinking - it's become 'normal' just like buying the milk.

I would absolutely love to wear a new pair of socks every time I put some on but I know that it's wasteful. I can't bear to think of DGS going to school without socks - so I keep buying them.

My daughter recently shared a picture of the sock threads which were under DGS's bed. (He insists on wearing socks in bed.) They were from the floor up to the mattress - a deep pile. H was unaware that DGD does this and he's gone ballistic since he's found out I'm buying new socks every week.

We've been told that it's his way of stimming (by his speech therapist). He also chews his nails down so far that his fingers look sore - again we've been told that this is another version of stimming.

He has a spinning chair in school and at home which he uses whenever he feels it necessary. This was introduced as a way in which to distract him from destroying his socks - it hasn't worked. His current fidget toy is a key ring sized retractable tape measure - he's obsessed with measuring and he's outstanding at maths (just had parents evening).

I cannot 'not' buy socks for him - his mum won't.

We try not to mention this to him too
much as he gets upset and his other sensory issues also take up a considerable amount of time/headspace.

How do we approach this? Of course we would like this to stop - it feels like a life long fixation right now.

Or do I continue to buy the socks?

I have ocd - I would speak to the dr about being referred for assessment for that and autism
hes using it to calm himself - if you take his socks away he might do something else like pulling out his hair
I’d ask for sock donations - kids grow out of socks quickly

You sound like an absolutely wonderful grandma. Thank you for being there for them all.
If your daughter is ok with you buying the socks, tell your husband to get lost. A pack of 7 are super cheap from Asda etc.
Trying buying him a contigo byron travel mug for school, keeps drinks cold for ages. The ice cubes were still there after an entire night when my daughter was unwell. We put some fun stickers on it for her.

My autistic daughter pulls out her hair. Am constantly finding tufts of it in her pockets and around the house. She also picks off the skin all over her hands. I would rather socks to both of these. I also pick my skin and used to bite my nails v badly. Habits like these are tricky to stop. Am assuming you have tried all kinds of fidget toys?

Pom poms is a fantastic suggestion from pp.

But yeah you just keep buying socks, being autisic is expensive in alot of ways.

If you take this stim away he'll find another one, probably hair pulling or skin picking to provide the same kind of feeling. I had a friend who pulled all her eyelashes out for years

Just bulk buy super cheap socks.

I'd stop worrying about the socks and speak with the HT about having back the comforter as a reasonable adjustment and questioning why it was taken away.

Thus isn't about socks. It's about whether he's at the right setting. Will be interesting to see if the stimming improves in the holidays

For the time being:
Comforter back
Crocs no socks
Meeting with HT
Professional intervention rather than an early years teacher banning a muslin

Meanwhile, if my DH ever showed off, over cost, because I bought a needy grandchild seven pairs of socks a week, my DH would feel particularly needy around his backside.

Having read the last few posts, I'm wrong about no socks. Apologies.

I haven’t read the entire thread, but if you want a suggestion for cheap socks, Primark did a pack of 10 pairs for £3.50 last summer (I only know this because DD kept losing her PE socks and I got tired of replacing them with M&S ones!)

Get on Alibaba and buy a truckload (or go to a market stall and see if they'll sell you a box load) if the price is your husbands problem, get the price down to pennies.

I think that whilst it seems wasteful, letting him pick at socks is better than many alternatives.

You're amazing. I hope your daughter realises this and understands about the socks.

As for the EHCP that's a bigger issue. It's a legal document and has to be enforced, particularly for your dgs who turns blue. I would be taking this back to the LA and speaking to the CWO.

Reasonable adjustments need to be made and schools who won't do this for fear of treating a child differently are failing that child. Is there any chance of looking at a different school that is more sympathetic to SEND?

Just want to say that you are aMAZing. Hope you know that 😍

Fair play to you for helping out your daughter with her children, but this does not make you the primary caregiver. Your daughter is perfectly capable of deciding what she wants for her child. She's doing a grand job in tough circumstances. You are adding to her mental load by going against her decisions.

You sound like a very caring, hardworking and resourceful person, but this doesn't mean that you are the boss of everyone in your family (including husband!)

That's exactly my point. She doesn't think it's a welfare issue, she just disagrees with how her daughter parents I.e not replacing socks. She says her daughter won't replace them, not that she cant. She's passing off her daughter and her husband by interfering and making it worse busy.saying "I do xyz for the kids and my daughter can't manage without me so I should basically he able to meddle as I want to."

If its not a reportable incident, OP needs to butt out and let mum and dad parent as they see fit.

Exactly this. Destroying socks is better than some of the self injurious stimming I’ve seen. I know you said he picks his nails, but the more socks he can destroy the better if it stops him doing this to his nails as much.

if you get rid of the socks, he’s likely to find something else to soothe the need.

Well there's the issue. How ridiculous that a school teacher won't allow an autistic child to carry a piece of muslin cloth with them.

Give him it back and appeal to the school.

Hmmm I’m not sure they’ve done the right thing taking that away. It’s non-disruptive and obviously comforting. I’d speak to the SENCo and ask for OT advice. My person, professional, opinion is that if the muslin was working then he should keep that. As he gets older he could then keep it more discreetly in his pocket or just a small square of it.

This.
they are his parents, you need to respect their wishes and stop trying to over rule them. Eventually you’ll be cut out as you are not allowing them to parent their child without interfering. I’d be livid.

edited to say, please don’t use your daughters reliance on your help as a licence to undermine her. That is really attacking someone when they are down and there is no glory to that.

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche ignore the horrible commments. You sound like a lovely mum and gran.
Why does your dh get to decide whether you spend a few wound on socks or not ?
Id buy them with cash or do two checkouts and pay for socks separately .
I’d also tell your husband to stop controling your spending a few pounds and have words about his spending.

Keep being you ., you sound lovely.

Could you make him Pom poms? The threads can be easily pulled out, cheap and easy to make.

He should be allowed the comforter - it's really awful if the school won't let him in the circumstances.

With the socks I think it might be worth trialling sending him without?

It’s the child’s mother that doesn’t want him to have socks as she is trying to see if this will help break the cycle.

Sorely if he's not got access to socks he'll move into something else? My ASD children have various fidget toys, small soft toys and squidgy balls - slime, has your DD tried this approach ?

If it’s only the cost that’s an issue then I’d suggest asking the school/other parents if they could donate any socks their children have grown out of.

As the dm of a child with jokes in his fingers from skin picking, I’m reading this thinking that they’re just socks. I’d give my right arm now if ds’ stimms were still as harmless as shredding a pair of socks

Didn’t want to just read and not respond. Gosh your life still isn’t becoming easier from when you first posted about your DH, it makes me sad that life isn’t becoming any easier for you and your family, so just wanted to say with everything you have got going on, most people would run a mile, but you are fantastic at supporting your family. Whether or continue buying socks is right or not, I don’t know, but don’t be put off because your DH says so (which I know you won’t).

My son is very similar he spent months going to school with no socks. Currently wears no pants 🙈 but a football kit. He simply cannot tolerate more in a already overwhelming environment.

What we find helps is taking all pressure off. I'd be talking with school and really getting them on board. They (should)want him going to school and comfortable so whatever (within reason obviously my child obviously couldnt go naked 🙈) they need they need and it needs to not be a thing at all.

Only by taking all the pressure off my son felt able to start dipping his toes back in with socks but he knows he has the choice it's up to him. Sometimes school unfortunately need to see the meltdowns before they take them seriously which is shit.

I think being a grandparent you will have to tread lightly and be there as a support. It's very hard you feel like you're failing your child no matter what you do. It's hard to navigate your own feelings of wanting you child to "fit in" be "normal" they will really need to know you're not judging them and you support them.

We don't have any grandparents involved but if we did I'd absolutely love for one to take my son out and treasure him just as he is. Do his favorite things,slow down with him. Be a safe place of no pressure no learning just fun and love.