To keep providing a new pair of socks every day?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

They are for my DGS. He's 5. He has ARFID and possibly autistic. There are various sensory issues.

My daughter is saying that she's happy to send him to school with no socks. She thinks that this will eventually stop his obsession/compulsion.

He constantly pulls threads from his socks. You can tell exactly where he's been because you can follow a trail of threads. If he's stayed in one place for a while there will be a small pile of threads. His teacher says exactly the same - she knows exactly where he is by following the trail of threads.

Every day there is a pair of ruined socks which cannot be worn again. He has pulled the top off so that the sock is baggy and there are random huge holes all over both socks. He's also picked the fabric off around the top/back/heel of his shoes and picked out all the fabric from inside the heels of his trainers.

No one has seen him doing this. He promises to not do it again when it's pointed out that he's been doing it. It's been happening since he went into reception class.

When I go shopping/supermarket, I throw a pack of boys socks into my basket without thinking - it's become 'normal' just like buying the milk.

I would absolutely love to wear a new pair of socks every time I put some on but I know that it's wasteful. I can't bear to think of DGS going to school without socks - so I keep buying them.

My daughter recently shared a picture of the sock threads which were under DGS's bed. (He insists on wearing socks in bed.) They were from the floor up to the mattress - a deep pile. H was unaware that DGD does this and he's gone ballistic since he's found out I'm buying new socks every week.

We've been told that it's his way of stimming (by his speech therapist). He also chews his nails down so far that his fingers look sore - again we've been told that this is another version of stimming.

He has a spinning chair in school and at home which he uses whenever he feels it necessary. This was introduced as a way in which to distract him from destroying his socks - it hasn't worked. His current fidget toy is a key ring sized retractable tape measure - he's obsessed with measuring and he's outstanding at maths (just had parents evening).

I cannot 'not' buy socks for him - his mum won't.

We try not to mention this to him too
much as he gets upset and his other sensory issues also take up a considerable amount of time/headspace.

How do we approach this? Of course we would like this to stop - it feels like a life long fixation right now.

Or do I continue to buy the socks?

Are there different types of socks you could buy that would make this more difficult? I think it would be really hard to pick the threads on my socks and they are a tightly wound glossy thread.

If it's none of my business then my single mother daughter, with three ND children who wants me to give her children breakfast, get them ready for school, remember their reading books and PE kits, pick them up, help with homework, feed them again and take them home, take them to activities, take them on holiday, take them to appointments, have them for sleepover every Friday, occupy them during school holidays - then I don't know 🤷‍♀️

Do you think that it is none of my business? She would need to spend a small fortune to get that service from someone else - making that a nice little business for someone else. But I've never asked for any payment.

I love the company of my grandchildren.

Would you rather I ignored them? Or my daughter ignore me?

I'm in a spot of bother for wasting money on socks which are being ruined on a daily basis and asking for advice -
sheeeeesh!

My daughter said it was expensive. I'm happy to pop a pack of socks in with my weekly shopping. H (my addled husband) says it's a waste of money/throwing money away, which I agree with. He didn't know I was buying them every week. He's very cross with me for some reason - for spending a few pounds on socks. He obviously forgets about the amount of money he wastes.

Keep buying the socks. I bet you can get a job lot on ebay for even cheaper (though it might be no good if he likes the feeling of the supermarket ones).

I would suggest to mum to apply for DLA or whatever it's called now - no specific diagnosis is needed but she might want to look into the guidelines to apply. They can help to cover costs like needing to replace socks more frequently than average.

And yes ask the school for a reasonable adjustment to allow him to have his muslin! Although it probably won't undo the sock obsession at this point. Have the school actually said he can't have it or was it something the nursery teacher said to try and "help" him give it up (I mean honestly FGS!!!)

Ask DH if you were buying sweets or a comic for DGS once a week whether he would object. Or if it was a medicine he needed or a bandage for a skin condition or a special allergy type of bread that cost 5x the price of normal bread. That's how our doctor told us to think about sensory sensitivities, BTW - as being like allergies. You can't fix them and it's nobody's fault but you can learn to live around them.

I honestly think it's criminal how long they make children wait for assessments. He is clearly in distress due to his needs not being recognised and met, he should be able to access things like OT and an autism assessment much quicker. I know it's not the fault of the people working in the system but I do think it's political - these services have been underfunded and barely holding on for a long time now, and it's the people who are the most vulnerable who suffer.

Until he gets the support and help he needs I would do anything to help him feel comfortable at school personally no matter how unconventional or wasteful. Try the other things alongside just in case, but I would not stop the socks unless we had a working alternative.

I’m autistic, both my DC are autistic. I also have ADHD and can’t cope with still hands.

One strategy that appeals to lots of fiddly-loving kids is Blu-tack. It’s got a good sensory resistance without being too much. You can pull it apart and put it back together infinitely so it’s perfect. Also small enough to pop into a pocket.

Only useful though if he’s not likely to put it in his mouth.

You can’t forcibly swap one stim for another, but quietly modelling how to fiddle with the Blu-tack and then offering it to him might work.

He’ll carry on pulling at his socks until he finds a preferable stim/soothing mechanism or it’s not pleasurable any more.

I used to have one of those candlewick bedspreads and I pulled the threads out of all the holes. Drove my mum insane at the time 😂

If giving him his comforter back or Blu-tack don’t work, I’d carry on buying the socks.

We used to go through 2-3 pairs of pants every day (they had to be binned) so I know what it’s like. But it won’t be forever and not making it a big deal is a real kindness ❤️

@Danioyellow

I do not control my children.

Two of them, I have three, (daughters) have children.

They live independently both have mortgages and they certainly make their own decisions.

I childmind for both daughters.

I probably spend more than I ought to on my grandchildren (according to my husband - their grandfather).

My younger daughter is married and lives an hour away. I go over there two days a week.

My older daughter is a single mum (she's autistic and picked a partner who turned out to be an arsonist and a cheating sadistic pervert who left her when she refused to abort her third child) and I see her between 3 and 5 days a week. If I didn't take care of her
children as often as I do, I dare not think of the outcome. She's often in floods of tears, telling me she's drowning and can't carry on. She has very little sleep because her son has seizures most nights and is awake for hours at a time every night. She's alone. She works. She's exhausted.

I would never say no when my children ask for help. I'm often guilty I can't do more.

I am more likely the one who is being controlled rather than me being 'controlling' as I live my life around my young grandchildren. I chose to do that. I know that there is a fast approaching day when grandchildren will no longer want to visit grandparents because of their burgeoning social life and independence. I'll support my family first and foremost.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Candlewick - my mum had a dressing gown made out of it. She called it a lambing gown. That takes me back. Candlewick was made for picking it threadbare.

I will try blu tack - he doesn't put stuff in his mouth. It's one of his issues.

His obsession is a retractable tape measure at the moment - it's a tiny key ring version. But it doesn't stop him pulling threads out of his socks.

I'm happy to buy socks - my nip screw husband thinks it's an utter waste of money but probably spends far more on takeaway drinks every day. He can't see the hypocrisy.

@BertieBotts

Asking school for reasonable adjustments - we can but ask.

We've asked for his supplemental energy drinks to be kept in the fridge as they're more palatable for him. Nope. Even with ice packs in his pack-up bag the drinks are not cold when he has them - they make him gag and he vomits and then he says the teachers are cross with him and make him cry.

We asked for him to be allowed his muslin - nope. All other children will want to bring their comforters.

When they did a lesson on healthy eating he was told that his diet wasn't healthy and he stopped eating altogether. He was so upset. He has ARFID.

His brother has a very specific EHCP which we absolutely know is not being followed. He has to be within sight of an adult at all times as he has drop seizures. I went to pick him up for a physio appointment and he could not be found. The teacher looked outside (I was stood outside the nursery play area) he was not outside. They looked inside,
not inside. Looked outside again - no sign. Went inside again. Eventually he
was found outside behind a
shed/container. It took 10 minutes to locate him. He has fits where his heart can stop and he very quickly turns blue. No one knew where he was. We know his EHCP isn't followed on further objectives because my daughter's best friend's mum is the assistant in the nursery.

I know it's all about staffing/money. We just seem to need adjustments which are completely unreasonable.

It's this sort of stuff which has made my daughter ill. She was worried sick when
her son was 'lost' in the playground -
she rang SENDIASS who urged her to report it as a safeguarding concern to LADO Which she didn't because she thought it would result in her other children being treated differently by the school staff.

Even when reasonable adjustments are written in black and white on a prescriptive EHCP it doesn't mean that it will happen.

My son used to do this with his socks, along with taking a long time to put them on so they felt right. I continued to buy the socks. He eventually stopped picking them. Hopefully in time your DGS will too.

Can you try to get him a stimming toy with threads/strings he can unravel and put back together? Might have to do a niche Google search. Or try all sorts of other stimming stuff like slime (lets you tug and pull as well, and you can buy different textures like meant to emulate different things like cotton candy, string, etc)

I've just had a google and it seems there are a lot of these thread/fabric unpicking toys meant to cope with trichotillomania (hair pulling) so that may help

I would try different socks - are they cotton or acrylic? If the latter they may be itching or make his feet hot. Do they have seams on them toes? If he is ASD then sensory issues may mean that he is sensitive to these factors . I and my children are ASD and ADHD. I can’t bear socks, esp sports socks that are heavily elasticated around my ankles so as an adult I chose shoes that don’t need them and never wear them even in trainers (I just buy and replace the liners a lot). My DD has never been able to tolerate seams or overly thick socks, but is fine with ski socks (fine, no seams) which she has to wear with ski boots. Otherwise she goes bear foot too.

I think you and mum need to spend some time sock shopping and exploring with him what he finds uncomfortable about them. There are loads of styles, fabric blends - you just haven’t found the ones he likes yet.

You sound like a really loving ,sensitive & caring grandma to a child with a particular sensory need. His socks are his comfort and his way of coping and managing his environment. Is he in mainstream primary? If so, do you think he would be more comfortable within a special school setting . I have two ds with ASD and although older teens, the right fabrics still fulfil the need to be tactile with something for soothing and relaxing purposes ❤️
Defintely continue buying socks and don’t give a flying ‘sock’ about what others think xxx

I worked really hard on a similar sensory thing but nothing work. Then the behaviour disappeared overnight when some significant (and more inclusive) changes to school were made. I realise with hindsight it was actually more an anxiety response than sensory. I would get an EP in to see him.

A spinning chair is completely different sensation to pulling sock threads. This drives me mad it’s like schools etc just have a list of sensory aids they pull out but don’t tailor to the individual need.

could he keep an old ruined sock in his pocket to pull at? Or cuttings from old clothes? Or is it because he doesn’t like the elastic too tight? In which case you can get loose socks. The best thing to do is speak to him about what it feels like for him and what he’s trying to stop or create and go from there

You sound an amazing grandmother. I’d keep buying the socks. It’s a harmless activity and not worth the distress it causes him to stop. I hope you can get some better care at school for your grandchildren. It must be frustrating for their mum and you and scary for the child when they don’t get the support they need.

Can you cut down a comforter to hanky size and pass it off as a hanky for runny noses.

otherwise send a small sock size patch of (charity shop) material to school in his pocket for the purpose of shredding. look for something similar to sock material.

yes its to do with stimming. Going ballistic is over the top

You should do exactly what his parents ask.

You sound like the most amazing mother and grandmother. Truly. You should be so proud of yourself. It must be exhausting to keep up with such active parenting of both your kids and grandkids.
You expect that to all stop when they reach a certain age, but you've had to start again.

I'm sorry, but your miserable bastard of a husband sounds like he has no understanding of what you do for your family.

My mum went to have an abortion when pregnant with me and at the very last minute she stopped it. So I will always be grateful to her for allowing me to exist and I think your daughters bravery should also be recognised. It sounds like she was in a terrible situation with her ex.

It is very rare that an obsession or stimming tool lasts through childhood and into adulthood. I would keep buying the socks and not make it a big deal. In fact I wouldn't even mention it to him.

If he's allowed to get it out of his system he will eventually move on from it. But if it becomes a big deal it will brcome more rigid in his mind.

A pack of socks isn't crazy expensive and it sounds like you can afford it. If you couldn't, then that would be another story. In fact I wonder if sitting him down and saying that it is costing Grandma a lot of money so could he help you.

Maybe you could come to an agreement where he wears his socks the first day and on day 2 he can pull them. It may not work if he is doing it completely unconsciously but ND children are often good with responsibility when things are explained like that (unless there's PDA elements).

Not all ND children are the same but those sorts of chats have worked extremely well for me with many children.

Anyway, I mainly just wanted to acknowledge how amazing you are. I hope you look after yourself too 💗

You should back up whatever plan your daughter has put in place. She is the parent, not you.

If she doesn't want you buying more and more socks and has decided that sending him to school without them is the strategy, then go along with that. Stop buying them.

Absolutely no idea why you have come here asking opinions and argued with or ignored everyone who is not validating your existing behavior.

No doubt you are a wonderful grandma on many levels, but you are also undermining your daughter, the actual parent, so that's not wonderful on that level. Back up your daughter.

Was it the muslin fabric he liked? Could you cut down a muslin into smaller squares and keep one in his pocket as a hankie?

I would either get a bulk load of very cheap socks from somewhere like Ebay or the skin picking square thing another poster said thats got little bits you pull out. I've got sn autistic child and had never seen the squares until last year and they're amazing. I'm not autistic but reckon I could pick at that for hours. Yes, definitely remove the shame aspect. Sometimes autistic children do grow out of these behaviours on their own. My son will just suddenly decide not to do something and the behaviour stops. So just support him as you are.

@ReplacementBusService

I will.

This seems like the only sensible solution here.

My son has a cellular blanket that he pulls threads from, it is more like a dirty old dish cloth now, but it gives him so much comfort.
you sound lovely. And if you are happy to keep buying socks then go for it.
But long term I do think it would be a good idea to try and transfer the thread pulling to one central item, maybe try and get a really long cotton scarf or a blanket like my son has?