To keep providing a new pair of socks every day?

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

They are for my DGS. He's 5. He has ARFID and possibly autistic. There are various sensory issues.

My daughter is saying that she's happy to send him to school with no socks. She thinks that this will eventually stop his obsession/compulsion.

He constantly pulls threads from his socks. You can tell exactly where he's been because you can follow a trail of threads. If he's stayed in one place for a while there will be a small pile of threads. His teacher says exactly the same - she knows exactly where he is by following the trail of threads.

Every day there is a pair of ruined socks which cannot be worn again. He has pulled the top off so that the sock is baggy and there are random huge holes all over both socks. He's also picked the fabric off around the top/back/heel of his shoes and picked out all the fabric from inside the heels of his trainers.

No one has seen him doing this. He promises to not do it again when it's pointed out that he's been doing it. It's been happening since he went into reception class.

When I go shopping/supermarket, I throw a pack of boys socks into my basket without thinking - it's become 'normal' just like buying the milk.

I would absolutely love to wear a new pair of socks every time I put some on but I know that it's wasteful. I can't bear to think of DGS going to school without socks - so I keep buying them.

My daughter recently shared a picture of the sock threads which were under DGS's bed. (He insists on wearing socks in bed.) They were from the floor up to the mattress - a deep pile. H was unaware that DGD does this and he's gone ballistic since he's found out I'm buying new socks every week.

We've been told that it's his way of stimming (by his speech therapist). He also chews his nails down so far that his fingers look sore - again we've been told that this is another version of stimming.

He has a spinning chair in school and at home which he uses whenever he feels it necessary. This was introduced as a way in which to distract him from destroying his socks - it hasn't worked. His current fidget toy is a key ring sized retractable tape measure - he's obsessed with measuring and he's outstanding at maths (just had parents evening).

I cannot 'not' buy socks for him - his mum won't.

We try not to mention this to him too
much as he gets upset and his other sensory issues also take up a considerable amount of time/headspace.

How do we approach this? Of course we would like this to stop - it feels like a life long fixation right now.

Or do I continue to buy the socks?

If he wasn't doing this when he had his comforter then surely it's a reasonable adjustment for school to allow him his comforter???

but why is he destroying socks at night? Surely he's allowed his comforter in bed??

I'd try giving him a muslin square to start with, if that met his sensory need previously. I can't see any reason why that would be 'not allowed', when there's a clear sensory issue at play.

You sound like a lovely grandma. Buy the socks.

Yeah, I think this. And also recommend seeing an OT - we found out about various supports and sensory products we didn't know about plus got some great exercises disguised as fun games

What does his mum think?

Why did your husband get so mad? Do all the socks impact on your own budget? Or does he think you are interfering? Or something else?

If his mum is happy, it helps your grandson, and you can afford it I'd just keep buying the socks tbh. Yes, its very wasteful but if it helps his welfare.

He shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed by his behaviour.

But... if you know a muslin helps, then why cant he just have another one? He might want to keep it in his pocket or something to avoid any mean kids teasing him.

It could be worse. I used to go to school with a girl with some sort of SEND. She had a thing about textures and the only way she could calm herself was by rubbing satin type material on her face. Her item of choice was a pair of satiny knickers. She'd had these knickers for years so you can imagine what they looked like!

My.mum.was a carer for a lady with profound needs but she picked her clothes etc unless they tied a pair of cheapest thin denier tights around her chair etc. And she's happily sit and unravel them all day. It is a waste but her tops/trousers weren't unravelled. Could you tie something through his belt loop on trousers that's just for unpicking like tights? He might just gravitate to that

When my DC started school at 4 I sewed a piece of his blanky he dragged everywhere with him into his coat pocket. If he got upset he'd go and put his hand into his coat pocket.

My take on this is his stin is an indication of his distress at having his muslin taken away from him.

I would be asking for him to have that back in school and make sure there are a stock of acceptable muslins for him as they may wear out quite quickly, or get a lot and let him have them in batches so he can take just one to school etc. He may be fine just knowing he has access to it when he needs it.

I can't understand people saying to replace the socks with something else.
It just doesn't work that way.
He has to stop himself .. that will be when he decides and when he replaces that comforting stim with another one.
My Grandson used to suck the ends of his jumpers/ long sleeve t shirts/ hoodies.. until they were soaking wet.. wasn't any good us not putting one on or using a short sleeve t shirt.. he would just have melt downs.
He stopped that for his new stim.. which is sniffing.. like he has a cold ( he doesn't). When younger it was wheel spinning.. turning his buggy / toys with wheels upside down and spinning the wheels.. been so many.
I'd buy the socks.. like 5 pairs for a couple of quid in primark.. if he's not fussy on the kind he has.
Let's hope his next stim is easier to manage.
Good luck..
From one Granny of ASD Grandkids to another.
💐

This may seem like a silly idea- but could you buy him long socks? To the knee and covered by trousers so he is unable to pick at the seams.

@Moierim not saying replace the socks with something else, im saying give him back the comforter he had before the sock pulling started.

Presumably his mother doesn't object to him wearing socks, otherwise she could stop him putting them on very easily. If he didn't have the socks it looks like he'd be pulling his shoes apart or something else.

It's hard. My oldest was a sock picker, well he may still do it, but is an adult, so his wife can be annoyed by it. I just kept vacuuming it all up and only replaced the socks that had holes. He didn't wear socks in the house most of the time which helped. I did remind him often to stop picking your socks when I saw him do it, it seemed unconscious.
The other kid left cupboard doors open everywhere he went, so they are all out to annoy us but don't mean to. I wouldn't replace socks unless they fall apart.

This isn’t any of your business! You are not his mother.

He does have a couple of muslin squares in bed - still picks his socks. I'm not even sure that he knows he's doing it. When he stays at my house on a Friday - he shoves it under the pillow because my single divan goes down to the floor.

I began buying socks for him because my daughter was saying how expensive it was getting to buy them every week - I only did it to help out. I didn't even think about fuelling an obsession.

He simply doesn't like being without socks - will not walk around barefoot.

We are waiting for an autism assessment and OT assessment. He's only recently got to the top of the speech and language list and started having weekly appointments.

I have six grandchildren who are potentially ND - we have multiple medical issues diagnosed,
one confirmed diagnosis of autism and one confirmed ARFID.

It's all probably my fault - I've always suspected I'm autistic. I think my dad was. I've passed it down the line.

I do have hundreds of pom poms though. A few years ago I made a six foot Christmas tree entirely out of them for a display. I'm not sure that school would be ok with scattered heaps of green wool. But I'll ask H to get it down from the loft and see how we go.

I feel so upset with all the fuss - he's a fantastic little lad. Currently his mouth is full of ulcers - probably due to very restricted diet. He's gone downhill quite markedly since he had his tonsils out at Easter.

Can't believe H is being so stingy over socks considering all the money he's wasted - and that's a whole other can of worms.

As someone who used to do similar as a child, this is a way of calming himself in a stressful environment. If you take the sock element away but don't replace it, he will find something else or he will get increasingly anxious. My thread pulling progressed to skin picking by late childhood and I still have the scars from it.

There are good stim and fidget toys around these days, I would hope there would be one that involved something similar pulling threads.

Another idea: could you buy old or second hand socks or other cheap material and wrap it round something smallish and solid and then give it to him to play with instead. You can't just give him loose material as it will need to have something solid inside to act as resistance when he pulls the thread (otherwise it isn't satisfying).

You need to respect his parents here. They have thought about this too. If you are not careful they will stop him seeing you.

I’ve just seen your user name. You are a fabulous grandparent and mum and I’m sure your daughter will know above all that you love them and want the best for your daughters and grandson.
Go easy here though…. it’s not about the cost of socks . Sending love xx

Awww - it's very hard to understand isn't it. People just assume you are pandering to very spoiled children's every whim.

My grandson's meltdowns are monumental. His resultant gasping sobs as he calms down absolutely break my heart.

My daughter, his mum, is autistic also.

When I take DGS to school, he walks in happily, bouncing on his toes as he goes. When his mum takes him he has to be physically dragged in, kicking and screaming.

Hopefully the sock phase will come to a natural end soon.

It sounds like you’re just trying to get one over on his parents at this point. If it was a problem about his dad being ‘stingy’ then he’d be delighted, not furious, that you were supplying all of the clothing to be destroyed on a daily basis. Both of his parents have decided that they want to see the outcome of him having no socks, it may be disastrous, it may not. But it is not your decision, and certainly not the decision of people you don’t know on the internet. Why do you value our opinions more than his own parents? You want people to make you feel validated in trying to control your daughter’s family and decisions?

It's absolutely not your "fault" they are ND, and there's nothing wrong with being ND.
My grandma, dad, me and sister are very likely autistic (obviously so), my 3 DC are diagnosed, as are my sisters 2 DC.
One of mine has learning difficulties, the other 4 of that generation are extremely intelligent.
Autism isn't a flaw, it's a difference. Life is set up for NT people because that's more common. ND people then cope through things like stimming like your grandson is doing, or don't cope (the children labelled disruptive, who go into fight and flight mode, who can't cope with socialising and so on)
That's not a reflection on them failing, it's just that their brain works differently. If society was set up for ND people then NT people would struggle hugely and be viewed as odd. It's purely a matter of percentages making one the norm over the other.

He needs his sensory needs to be met.

Is reinstating the muslin viable?
If you can afford to keep him in disposable socks, what's the big issue?
Cheaper than chewing through coats like my son did... sometimes you have to roll with the least awkward option or worse can follow.

And H is still continuing to spend money like water. After the golf equipment, fishing equipment, gym equipment, motorbike and accessories, cement mixer, flintstone patio furniture, multiple parcels arriving every day - he's only gone and bought chickens!

DGD (with PCD) is back in hospital at the weekend for another two weeks - which is 14 weeks in total since last September.

We have pre op appointment in Leeds on Thursday and paediatric neurology consultation on Friday at same hospital.

Lovely to hear from my Mumsnet angel 🥰

I'm happy to keep buying socks - H not so happy. And he's not well

Why is it getting expensive though, does he need a particular type of socks?

Asking just because a pack of cheap socks isn’t really that bad, all things considered.