Cry it out - AIBU

[Chunkychips23]

(posting here for traffic and to get a general consensus on what approaches others have taken)

DH is desperate to do cry it out with our 18 month old, but I don’t feel that it’s the best approach - I have no judgement on those who’ve done it, I just don’t think it’s the right approach for our toddler. DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep at night, but sleeps through until morning.

Bit of background: I’ve recently had a baby and due to having a rough delivery and PPH, DH took over toddler care for the first week whilst I recovered. He completely changed DC’s routine, from nap times to meal times. As DH has the inability to literally just sit and exist, DC has been out on adventures all day everyday. Add all that to a new sibling, I feel that’s completely thrown him. Prior to this, DC went down to sleep with a cuddle and was happy to be placed in his cot and would drop off to sleep. He now also cry’s when someone leaves the room, which he never used to do. Again, DH is getting annoyed with this.

DH is getting incredibly frustrated that DC isn’t falling asleep independently anymore and needs someone to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. I personally think he just needs more time to adjust to all the changes that have happened as it’s only been a couple of weeks. DH won’t hear it and thinks DC is doing it on purpose and trying to manipulate. The last time he tried cry it out, DC got so upset he projectile vomited and I stepped in, much to DH’s annoyance. He tried to do it again tonight and DC got very distressed, not ‘faking it’ as DH claims. Again, I stepped in and got DC to sleep.

Yes it is frustrating and DC is attention seeking, but he’s a toddler. He has very little emotional regulation and I think DH is being impatient and expecting too much for DC to just ‘get with the program’ after big changes. He’s roped his mother in to try and push me into leaving DC to cry until he falls asleep, so I’ve got both of them going on at me.

I think he just needs more time to adjust and I’m going to speak to the HV for some advice.

Am I being unreasonable by derailing his sleep training?

An 18-mth old being accused of attention seeking and left to cry until he was so distressed he was sick. I honestly can't get my head round anyone treating a tiny child like that. He needs more reassurance not less.

He sounds awful and can’t parent an 18 month old like that

Yep this

Personally I'd cancel the bloody sleep training and follow your gut - he needs more reassurance now!! Dependence breeds independence with infant sleep, he needs to know you'll (both!!) respond to him. Your DH sounds a bit cold tbh.

Yeah definitely don’t cry it out! None of this is forever I promise. I know it’s frustrating when you’re both tired and want a quick bedtime. He’ll sleep on his own again eventually. Mine were exactly the same and now late teens and I look back on those toddler years and so glad it was me who ‘suffered’ and not them (if you know what I mean! Suffered with the long bed times!). Lovely memories looking back.

CIO is cruel. There are much better ways.

I used the No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and found it really effective.

I sleep trained my DS when he was 6 months old using the cry it out method but never just let him cry until he was sick! It was always leave for 10 minutes but be outside the door and then go in and pat/shush/reassure if still crying and repeat. Within 2/3 days he would just roll over and go to sleep on his own or chat away to himself for a bit then roll over.

I would try and come up with a gentler way to get him back into the routine of getting off to sleep than cold turkey nobody responding at all to his hysterical crying!

Cry it out is cruel. Controlled crying is completely different and absolutely worth a crack. When they start crying, go immediately, resettle and say goodnight. When they start again, leave them a minute then go back in, resettle etc. then two minutes, then three, then four etc until they settle themselves to sleep.

Had to do it with DS when he was 2.5/3ish and the first night he stopped after we got to the 7 minute wait, the second night was 4 minutes and then he was good as gold again and still sleeps like a dream now aged 7.

You have a baby. It’s normal for you to not get much sleep even for 2 years. I’ve heard couples who tried it and it worked until the next sleep regression. I tried it for 10 mins and it broke my heart. And just coslept after that. They do sleep eventually

Why would you have a second child with a man who resents a toddler this much?

Your DH is a knob. And 18 month old has NO idea how to manipulate. I’m sure that ‘skill’ doesn’t come in until they’re about 3. I’m totally with you on this OP. He needs more reassurance, not less.

FWIW, my now 7yo DS is an excellent sleeper and I did all the ‘wrong’ things. Breastfed him to sleep when he was a baby, co-slept until he was nearly 3 and carried on lying by his bed until he fell asleep for a while after that. He has no problem getting to sleep on his own, is a very independent and resilient kid. No way would I have let him cry it out at any age

Personally, I would get your DH to look after the baby, and spend time with the toddler. The toddler has been used to having your full attention, and now a new baby has come sling and his world has changed.
Help him to adjust to the new world, baby won’t care that your attention isn’t on them.

I’m glad this worked for you and I’m not against it, it sounds like more work than just lying with them until they’re asleep 😂

I would never do cry it out because I absolutely don't agree with it, but no way in hell should he be doing that while you have a brand new baby as well! Your poor toddler has had a massive change and now your husband is leaving him to cry, he must feel so rejected.

What @TheatreTraveller said.

I couldn’t hear my child cry for me and ignore it. My two were/are awful sleepers but I don’t regret all the time spent cuddling them while they fell asleep.

Don’t be bullied. Sounds like MIL is projecting her guilt onto you & DH. He is buying it. Stand up to them.

Agree and it was! But as a single mum in COVID lockdowns at the time, I needed the evenings to catch up on housework and have some much deserved time to myself 😁

Hi, another mum of 18 month old here!

My baby has never slept through. Also has had no routine disruptions such as different caregiver or new baby.

Since hitting just over 17 months old sleep has gone to absolute shit worse than ever. Used to go to sleep really well (staying asleep more of the problem), now is taking 2 hours plus to go down. Huge separation anxiety but from both parents (so basically is never happy 😅), has started refusing most food except berries and snacks.

And you know what? All my parent friends from baby groups with babies same age are going through the exact same! It's developmental, and tbh sleep training isn't likely to work because of it. It only works if there isn't a 'reason' for the sleep issues. Developmental leaps, teething, illnesses etc all trump even the best sleeper.

Your toddlers world has completely changed. Crying it out in these circumstances is cruel.
I couldn’t watch that happen either.
I did properly sleep train my DC1, who took to it very quickly. My DC2 didn’t and I stopped; but they were sleeping through in their own room at 6 months. They all regress when unwell or their routine changes. They need cuddles and reassurance not being left alone to cry. That’s horrible. The pressure you’re getting to continue this must feel awful for you too.

Your DH need some empathy and lessons in child development.

18 months old, new baby, different routine, different primary care giver. No wonder your DC is seeking more connection at bedtime.

Being a parent is hard and incredibly frustrating sometimes. As the adults we are the ones who have to deal with that as we are the emotionally more mature ones after all! Your DH is trying to remove his discomfort by pushing the discomfort onto your DC.

Fair enough if he decides to make gradual changes to the routine to help LO be more settled but that is not cry it out.

I have nothing against cry based sleep training and think that controlled crying (although never cry it out) can be quite effective under the right set of circumstances but an 18MO with a new sibling absolutely isn’t it. He needs lots of love and gentle reassurance. Your DH is expecting far too much from such a young child and needs some lessons in empathy and child development.

You never let him cry till he was sick? Oh my god. I feel so fucking sad for that baby.

Thanks all! We had a big argument about it and for a moment I was doubting myself. I’m personally happy to sit and hold my child for as long as he needs to fall asleep, feeling safe and loved.

I’d hand over DC2, but we’re literally only a few weeks into breastfeeding and going through the cluster feeding stages. I’ll start pumping in a week or two and will have DH do a feed whilst I’m settling DC1. To be fair, I’ve not mastered breastfeeding the baby when needed, whilst holding the toddler in the other arm 😂

I think DH gets very easily pressured into things by his mother. Bit of a mummy’s boy (you’ll see I’ve posted about these issues before) so once she starts pushing something, he starts pushing me to agree.

An 18m old faking it? Being left to cry so long that they vomit?

That’s a bloody joke. Your husband is a wanker and although I’m not sure how recently you had this new baby, you’re not much better for letting this cry it out happen more than once. Your priority is your child(ren), not appeasing the cruel excuse for a father they have.

Clearly you understand exactly what your toddler’s issues are, and all of them are totally expected given the new baby etc. So stand up for him and put an end to this for now.

Sleep training is cruel and teaches them not to need you. After having a new sibling and his Dad changing his routine, this seems cruel. He won't know what he's done to deserve it. Sounds like he was a good sleeper. It's actually very normal for babies that age to still wake in the night so he is doing well.

How can you let him do that to your child? He cried so much that he vomited? Project your child. I couldn't give a fck about your husband. Why are his feelings more important than an 18 month old? No or child is not doing anything for attention. He is a baby, he is expressing his need.

Your husband needs more patience and he needs to come up with his own way to get him to sleep. And you need to protect your child from this. He probably misses you. I'm assuming you put him to sleep before the new baby came? Everything they do comes and goes, he is just adjusting and needs extra support at the moment, not less. Put your foot down on this.

Could you breast feed your baby and hold your toddlers hand or talk/sing to him and then gradually retreat from
the room?