Cry it out - AIBU

[Chunkychips23]

(posting here for traffic and to get a general consensus on what approaches others have taken)

DH is desperate to do cry it out with our 18 month old, but I don’t feel that it’s the best approach - I have no judgement on those who’ve done it, I just don’t think it’s the right approach for our toddler. DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep at night, but sleeps through until morning.

Bit of background: I’ve recently had a baby and due to having a rough delivery and PPH, DH took over toddler care for the first week whilst I recovered. He completely changed DC’s routine, from nap times to meal times. As DH has the inability to literally just sit and exist, DC has been out on adventures all day everyday. Add all that to a new sibling, I feel that’s completely thrown him. Prior to this, DC went down to sleep with a cuddle and was happy to be placed in his cot and would drop off to sleep. He now also cry’s when someone leaves the room, which he never used to do. Again, DH is getting annoyed with this.

DH is getting incredibly frustrated that DC isn’t falling asleep independently anymore and needs someone to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. I personally think he just needs more time to adjust to all the changes that have happened as it’s only been a couple of weeks. DH won’t hear it and thinks DC is doing it on purpose and trying to manipulate. The last time he tried cry it out, DC got so upset he projectile vomited and I stepped in, much to DH’s annoyance. He tried to do it again tonight and DC got very distressed, not ‘faking it’ as DH claims. Again, I stepped in and got DC to sleep.

Yes it is frustrating and DC is attention seeking, but he’s a toddler. He has very little emotional regulation and I think DH is being impatient and expecting too much for DC to just ‘get with the program’ after big changes. He’s roped his mother in to try and push me into leaving DC to cry until he falls asleep, so I’ve got both of them going on at me.

I think he just needs more time to adjust and I’m going to speak to the HV for some advice.

Am I being unreasonable by derailing his sleep training?

Maybe for a short period. But a damn sight quicker than spending the next however many years laying beside a kid until they fall asleep

Horses for courses I guess. I didn’t really mind lying next to him for half an hour fucking about on my phone while waiting for him to fall asleep 😂

18 months is a classic time for a sleep regression and clinginess, even without a new routine and new baby sibling.

I’m totally fine with sleep training in general. However CIO is all wrong for an 18 month old, they will not get exhausted and go to sleep quickly as a much younger baby might do, they will cry for hours.

I would suggest settling DS for a few weeks, it might be a phase he will snap out of. If not, then some gradual retreat and explain every step.

If my dp was happy to leave out toddler to cry until they were sick out of distress, I'd be really worried about whether there was a problem his him bonding.

Of course you can't let him do that, it's unsafe if the toddler chokes and emotionally harmful.

It sounds like he could do with a better understanding of child development. An 18 month old is crying to "be manipulative".

I must admit, I was so used to lying by him until he fell asleep that I kept doing it and exH told me one week “I don’t lie down by him anymore, you can just tuck him in and kiss him good night and carry on with your evening”
And I was like “wait; what? Seriously?” First time I tried it, it worked. He was gone three by then and I felt like a right wally. Imagined him lying there thinking “I dunno why you’re here mummy but whatever makes you happy I guess” 😂

I think what your DH needs to do is decide what it is that annoys him so much about it and come up with a ‘fix’
Is it because he wants to start his evening sooner? Chill out sooner? If so, why can’t he lie next to your toddler with earphones listening to a podcast or audiobook and see it as a bit of chill time for himself as well? Me and ExH used to quite enjoy this little bit of ‘down time’ either lying there thinking about and/or processing the day, reading threads on MN or whatever.

Suppose that's ok when you don't have other kids to deal with. If I spent half hour every night laying with DS then that's half hour less I could be spending with his sisters

If id had been lying next to DD2 then DD1 would be running riot

Lying next to DD1 then I'm not sure who would be looking after DD2

DC2 has started sleeping at the time DC1 goes to bed, so I’ve taken back over bedtime. To be fair, DH was getting frustrated, so I’d have to take over anyway and he’d hold DC2 if he woke. A few times I’ve fed DC2 whilst cuddling DC1 - bit of a juggling act, but worth it to not hear him cry.

DH just barges in and tries to take over. He did tonight as DC2 woke as I was settling DC1, so I popped out of his room and DH said he’d sort. Came back upstairs to him extremely distressed as he’d just shut the door and was standing outside. I honestly don’t know how he can just stand there passively, listening to him like that.

I’d usually say each to their own but in these circumstances please don’t use CIO! Your poor toddler is desperate for attention having just had their life turned upside down. Also they sleep through the night already so you’ve got it pretty good! They already know how to sleep, you don’t need to teach them that.

If my husband left our toddler to cry until he was physically sick, and then accused him of being manipulative, I’d leave him. I’m not exaggerating. I could never be in an intimate relationship with someone who was so callous.

Your DH has accidentally assimilated some 1950s child rearing habits and it may be very difficult for you to detail his views but you are definitely right to stick to your guns. In an ideal world he would see the light and realize an 18 month old isn't quite that manipulative, but he almost inevitably will find it mind bending to switch his viewpoint.

Yes that is a very, very fair point. I realise I was (and still am) lucky in that regard

Cry it out is awful. Studies show that the cortisol in the mothers body decreased as time goes on and the baby cries less, but the stress hormones in the baby remain the same. They are still distressed, but have learned no one will come. Like that NSPCC commercial "miles has learned that bo matter how long he cries, no one will come".

And to do it to a toddler who has a new sibling seems particularly counter intuitive. They are anxious about being pushed out, so let's really drive it home and just leave them to cry.

Ditch the husband. Sounds like he is no help anyway.

I love that ❤️ he was probably just happy that you were happy to be with him 🥰🥰

Your husband is being a wanker

I’ve been in a similar position to you, I had my second baby when my first was 15 months old so have dealt with many sleep regressions between them. The most effective methods for me were following the Huckleberry nap schedules during the day and Co sleeping. Don’t let your toddler cry it out, it’s beyond cruel. And don’t let your husband make you doubt your instincts as their mother

I have a 21 month gap and found keeping the toddler routine and fitting the baby in around that worked best.

No no no. This is just a phase, like almost everything else with toddlers. And the crying thing… mothers’ brains are hardwired to intervene when their child is in distress. It’s part of the secure attachment thing. Your DH can’t ask you to sit back and listen to the baby crying and getting sick. It is not natural.

We did similar to this - just repeated putting back to bed and reassurance, but silent, following supernanny. It worked well after a couple of tough nights, but our DC did not get distressed - he was just jumping up and down and laughing in the cot because he had mirror wardrobe doors in that room and could see him through a hardly open door.

There is no way I would do what your DH is doing. And to be frank, I would tell him that if his mother does not butt out it will irreparably damage your relationship with her. My DH knew very well that if he’d recruited MIL into, in effect, bullying me over childcare the result would have been explosive.

OP, I don’t know how old you are, but I’m probably closer to your MIL in age. I know no one of my generation who did what your DH is doing. He needs to stop now, and you might need help from an authoritative HV.

Your poor 18 month old is just getting used to having a new sibling and a totally different routine with his Dad. Please don’t do cry it out - cuddle as much as is needed right now. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.

She’s in her mid 70’s. She does have the habit of butting in with my parenting choices from breastfeeding over formula feeding, not weaning early or me not putting my babies to sleep on their front etc. My mum is a bit younger, but same generation and says that’s not what she was told to do. She’s told me that all her kids were left to cry and they turned out fine - being married to one, I have to disagree 😅

So many posts about husbands who think they know more than the child’s mother about sleep and what makes them feel safe. They all need to read a book on child development and stop treating babies and toddlers as if they are teenagers being unreasonable

Honestly he can do it because he's a horrible person. There's no way this is the first time he's been cruel.

So what did you do? And what would you have done had your older child been distressed?

I have 2 with a 3 yr age gap and eldest has a diagnosed sleep disorder. Bedtime for him has always been distressing for everyone really. When my daughter was a baby one of us would manage his bedtime and the other would have the baby and if need be I'd lie down with baby feeding on one side and my son tucked in my armpit on the other side. Even now at 7 and 3 bedtime is a fiasco requiring ideally 2 people. We adjust ourselves around that rather than have children suffering real distress because that's what you do when you have small children.

If my husband had reacted as ops husband is there firstly wouldn't have been a second child but secondly if he hadn't been an obvious neanderthal prior to second child and this was new we'd be splitting up. Noone is treating my children like that and having me condone it by continuing a relationship with them.