Cry it out - AIBU

[Chunkychips23]

(posting here for traffic and to get a general consensus on what approaches others have taken)

DH is desperate to do cry it out with our 18 month old, but I don’t feel that it’s the best approach - I have no judgement on those who’ve done it, I just don’t think it’s the right approach for our toddler. DC takes around 45-60mins to fall asleep at night, but sleeps through until morning.

Bit of background: I’ve recently had a baby and due to having a rough delivery and PPH, DH took over toddler care for the first week whilst I recovered. He completely changed DC’s routine, from nap times to meal times. As DH has the inability to literally just sit and exist, DC has been out on adventures all day everyday. Add all that to a new sibling, I feel that’s completely thrown him. Prior to this, DC went down to sleep with a cuddle and was happy to be placed in his cot and would drop off to sleep. He now also cry’s when someone leaves the room, which he never used to do. Again, DH is getting annoyed with this.

DH is getting incredibly frustrated that DC isn’t falling asleep independently anymore and needs someone to stay in the room with him until he falls asleep. I personally think he just needs more time to adjust to all the changes that have happened as it’s only been a couple of weeks. DH won’t hear it and thinks DC is doing it on purpose and trying to manipulate. The last time he tried cry it out, DC got so upset he projectile vomited and I stepped in, much to DH’s annoyance. He tried to do it again tonight and DC got very distressed, not ‘faking it’ as DH claims. Again, I stepped in and got DC to sleep.

Yes it is frustrating and DC is attention seeking, but he’s a toddler. He has very little emotional regulation and I think DH is being impatient and expecting too much for DC to just ‘get with the program’ after big changes. He’s roped his mother in to try and push me into leaving DC to cry until he falls asleep, so I’ve got both of them going on at me.

I think he just needs more time to adjust and I’m going to speak to the HV for some advice.

Am I being unreasonable by derailing his sleep training?

When he said “show me one person this has harmed” And I said “you” Him and his siblings have really poor emotional regulation. Though they could be down to the fact MIL shipped them all off to boarding schools when she re-married.

One of my neighbours confided in me her dh refused to let her attend to her dd's as newborns.. In their own rooms from birth.
Youngest is severely damaged.. To the point genetics team became involved... Nothing found. Apart from severe neglect...
Didn't particularly shock me he killed a man. He wasn't quite human imo.

She sounds absolutely horrific. Next time she gives parenting advice laugh hysterically and through hiccups declare, oh, I'm sorry I thought you were joking since you didn't actually bother parenting, then fall over into peels of laughter again with tears if you can.

If a man had tried to keep me away from my newborns when they needed me he'd have been the man that was killed. Those early days with the heightened senses and hormones I'd have torn through a wall with my teeth

I don’t honestly believe that you can train dc to any meaningful extent. Once you get one thing sorted out and under control, something comes along to mess it up - teething, a virus, a new sibling, a developmental shift or just the bloody clocks going back.

I’m not saying not to establish good routines but flexibility, compassion and patience are very important.

I have teens now and I swear that their brains rewire in early adolescence to forget all the skills they learned as younger kids.

Dh is a very generous, kind and compassionate husband but I had to “translate” baby and toddler behaviour for him. He was inclined to see things as naughty or manipulative, and also didn’t intuitively grasp the difference between forming routines (chains of events, activities, and sensations) and training. I definitely think upbringing played a part and it helped that my career gave professional weight to my opinions.

I’ve never quite grasped why people find it so awful to lie with a child while they go to sleep and want to be able to go and ‘chill out’. This was my favourite part of the day, and probably the only part where I did chill out. The one time I could sit down and read for an hour without feeling guilty about the housework I should be doing 😆 do other people just lie there staring at the wall or something?!

PorkPieandPickle my DC would never have gone to sleep with me reading! They required me lying in bed with them, lights out, silent. I imagine this isn’t unusual.

put him in thr bed with you.

My approach has worked. He’s now back falling asleep independently after a cuddle. Able to leave the room and he’ll drop off, no crying. Thanks to all for the advice and validation x

An 18 month old doesn't have the executive function to be 'manipulative'. He's unsettled from all the changes that have happened in a week and wants reassurance.